terms

God, I love this song - and so appropriate for me right now. Darn work - more later! "The Path Of Thorns" I knew you wanted to tell me In your voice there was something wrong But if you would turn your face away from me You cannot tell me you're so strong Just let me ask of you one small thing As we have shared so many tears With fervor our dreams we planned a whole life long Now are scattered on the wind... [CHORUS] In the terms of endearment In the terms of the life that you love In the terms of the years that pass you by In the terms of the reasons why Through the years I've grown to love you Though your commitment to most would offend But I stuck by you holding on with my foolish pride Waiting for you to give in... You never really tried or so it seems I've had more than myself to blame I've had enough of trying everything And this time it is the end... [CHORUS] There's no more coming back this way The path is overgrown and strewn with thorns They've torn the life-blood from your naked eyes Cast aside to be forlorn... [CHORUS] Funny, how it seems that all I've tried to do Seemed to make no difference to you at all...

the ever ellusive brown boot

I fully admit that this problem is not really a problem. It first world bullshit. But its been a long week. I need the levity. My preference is to not think about the 4536899 projects I have at work, most of which I'm neglecting. Id like to pretend I didn't hear senior management tell us on Weds that they aren't closing our building "or any others any time soon ", or that our health insurance rates are going up 18% next yr, or er probably aren't getting merit increases again - 2nd straight yr for most people - 3rd or 4th for me depending on whether or not $800 counts as a raise. My house is a mess, my kid has 10 yes 10 soccer games next weekend, I owe his social worker and my gun a phone call...and instead - I left work at 520 and went shoe shopping. I have brown boots. Eh. They are 5 yrs old and the heel is too short. And they aren't platforms. I have s new cute sweater dress screaming tot brown boots. Shoe stores abound on my way home from work. I stopped at Marshall's first. I wads immediately reminded of the problem with brown shoes. What brown!?! Caramel? Camel? Chocolate? Shit now I'm hungry. I dint want brown that looks black and I don't want tan. Brown. So difficult. Marshall's had lots of brown riding type boots. And a kick asa pair of designer black boots from last season marked down from $250 to $117. But I do not need black boots! DSW was overwhelming. Found 1 pair of nice reddish Carmel platform boots but they were $150. Uh no...remember no raise in 4 yrs.... Famous Footwear was pointless and by the time I got to Kohl's I was tired hungry and disheartened. They had shit for boots. And why is that place always like a cyclone hit?!? Are all kohls like that?!? I came home and cried my middle class tale of woe to my friend L. I have more seious topics I discuss with her typically so - again - adiversion. As I chatted with her, Amazon called me. And there they were. 1 left. $100 off. Carlos Santana. Platforms. Reviews say they are not loose on thin calves. And oh yes. Mission accomplished.

im too sexy...the pre - pubescent version

G is the ripe old age of 10 now. 10 was a funny age when I was a kid - you know, in the olden days. But I think it's even stranger now. At least half the girls in G 's class are wearing bras. Now while I was 28 before I needed s bra, I realize that's not nor has it ever been the norm. LOL. But I also don't think many girls were rocking bras when I was in 5th grade. I shudder at the thought of whet age precocious puberty appears now! But I digress... While the girls are growing...the boys are short. And they view girls as classmates but generally gross. Usually. G told me right at the start of the school year that a few boys were starting to think girls were cute. When I asked him if he was one of them, he did the blushing eye blink heroes when hes trying to lie. He mentioned a very tall girl - M - as a girl he thought was "nice " but then dropped it. I wasn't going to force the issue. Then last weekend he wad hanging out with our neighbor's younger daughter C. C and G, along with the other neighborhood girls, have been friends since they were babies. C's older sister is 12 and doesn't hang with G and C as much now so C and G have gotten closer. G came bounding in the house for a check-in without C and said to me "Mom I hope C wears the shirt she has on today again soon...she looks sexy." What?!?!? Wait. WHAT?!? I asked him what sect meant to him (kid is verbally gifted - I know damnable well he knows what it means) and he stammered and said "well really really cute! Not gross sexy!" I reminded him that sexy was never ever a good way to describe a 10 yr old and then sent him on his way, noting that the days of G and C playing in one of their rooms alone for hours is nearly over. Shit. I'm so not ready for this.

Curse you potato chips!

I have a problem. I love potato chips. I particularly love potato chips when my monthly visitor bangs on my door, which, now that I'm "old", seems to be all.the.time. LOL! I have passed my love of those salty crunchy nuggets of gold down to my son as well. I am so lucky that, generally speaking, G is a great eater. He'll eat fruits and veggies over junk food most of the time, and is essentially a pescatarian. But chips are his downfall and he has skimped on too many dinners due to his diving into a bag of chips before I got home from work. Damn kid. ARGH - work got in the way...I had such profound things to say...more later perhaps.

How the hell do I have a 5th grader?!?!?

My kid started 5th grade last month. 5th grade. Intermediate school in our town. Changing classes?!?!? He informed me that he thinks 2 girls in his class are SUPER cute - "like sexy-cute Mom" (yes, we had a chat about how 10 year old girls are, in fact, NOT sexy - don't worry). He's definitely firmly entrenched in his 'tweenness. It's funny, I remember my mom telling me OVER and OVER when I was a child and then when G was a baby that parenthood makes time fly, and that I will wake up one day and he'll be moving out. It might be cliche but damn if it isn't true. At least after the first year. Funny - my nephew just turned 1 - the week G went back to school - and I think his first year dragged even for me - and I'm not his mother! G's 9th year, which encompassed the same general timeframe as E's first, seemed faster. And it was the same amount of time. How is that possible? I need to get back to blogging more. I'm in here now for 3 reasons. 1. I need to consolidate 2 spreadsheets into one for work and I'd rather rip my eyes out. 2. I watched Julie and Julia, or whatever it's called, the other day and was inspired by her bloggy-ness! 3. I was just talking to some of my online mom friends about blogs - particularly blogs by only child moms. Hey that's me, and I have a blog AND I've written about G being an only. So...let's see if I can make this happen more successfully again now. I need to blog for my sanity and my mental health and now that I'm parenting a 'tween only - I think that might be even more the case! Oh and by the way - you will be brought to your knees in confusion the first time your kid uses the word sexy. TRUST me. HOLY CRAP!

life will break you

There is a quote about life love and loss that I really like. Its by Louise Erdrich and it begins "Life will break you." Indeed. Today was a moment in life that broke me. It shattered me as if I were thin ice on top of a deep pond in February. It's funny because the shifty crappy overly emotional utterly complicated situation that caused me to break has had these moments before. This isn't new. This has happened before in almost the same way. And I have no idea why. But I can tell you the exact moment it happened. It was like a part of my heart ruptured. I shut down. I, who is never st a loss for words, had nothing to say. Moreover I couldn't even speak. I couldn't articulate how I felt. I felt broken. Ruptured. I know this will shift but I'm not sure anymore how I want it to recover. I care about those in my life deeply and hard. It leads me to high and apparently unrealistiic expectations. So given that - now what? Aren't I worth someone's effort in the same way people I care about are so incredibly worth it yo me?

back to begin

I haven't posted or written in a long, long time.  Very lax of me and probably not a good idea.

Today was a bad bad horrible rotten no good day in a string of hard days over the last two years.  The kind of day that breaks you.

It broke me.

So now I am going to try to shift my energies and focus, blog here, get my thoughts on paper, and get my shit together, once and for all.  Today showed me that ignoring reality well just fucks you over.