life will break you

There is a quote about life love and loss that I really like. Its by Louise Erdrich and it begins "Life will break you." Indeed. Today was a moment in life that broke me. It shattered me as if I were thin ice on top of a deep pond in February. It's funny because the shifty crappy overly emotional utterly complicated situation that caused me to break has had these moments before. This isn't new. This has happened before in almost the same way. And I have no idea why. But I can tell you the exact moment it happened. It was like a part of my heart ruptured. I shut down. I, who is never st a loss for words, had nothing to say. Moreover I couldn't even speak. I couldn't articulate how I felt. I felt broken. Ruptured. I know this will shift but I'm not sure anymore how I want it to recover. I care about those in my life deeply and hard. It leads me to high and apparently unrealistiic expectations. So given that - now what? Aren't I worth someone's effort in the same way people I care about are so incredibly worth it yo me?

back to begin

I haven't posted or written in a long, long time.  Very lax of me and probably not a good idea.

Today was a bad bad horrible rotten no good day in a string of hard days over the last two years.  The kind of day that breaks you.

It broke me.

So now I am going to try to shift my energies and focus, blog here, get my thoughts on paper, and get my shit together, once and for all.  Today showed me that ignoring reality well just fucks you over.