Grief is a funny (not ha-ha - peculiar) emotion.
You expect, when thinking about being faced with grief, that it's just this overwhelming, cascading, series of waves of sadness.
It isn't.
The stages of grief are simply so accurate - guilt, sadness, anger. I've watched people I love suffer through grief before and, to a person, they have experienced these in some order. The one that seems to be easily omitted mostly, at least by men, is that massive amount of sobbing sadness. It seems to be replaced by extra anger.
I watched someone in the early throes of grief yesterday - someone near and dear to me. I watched him melt in front of me, throwing so much anger my way that I couldn't even figure out how to function. I realized - unfortunately only after the fact - that the anger wasn't exactly at me. It was the hurt from that loss (which I didn't know had happened unfortunately until it was too late) coming out and being directed at me. I'm safe, right? I'm not the person who died. I'm not the people who could necessarily hear that anger without being judgmental. I was going to understand and, what's worse, I was going to take that anger over and over again and own it - own that it was something I did, someone I was or wasn't.
And so I did.
And now I hurt.
Because I've been through awful losses before, and supported loved ones through such losses, I know this anger is normal. It's described brilliantly in this page from Psych Central:
2. Anger
As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617
I GET IT. I REALLY DO.
I'm not sure that means that I can take being kicked like a dog down and then being screamed at - repeatedly - when I cried over being kicked so hard. But that's exactly what happens.
The kicker, of course, is that now I am experiencing regret, and I'm sure this friend is not. I guess that's logical, because I'm not the one immersed in grief. Im supposed to be the strong one, the one who is a friend, who just listens and supports and doesn't think of my own feelings. I'd like to think I can normally do that pretty well.
I absolutely failed yesterday, and I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for that - mostly because I don't think my friend will, not for a long time, maybe not ever.
How do I help someone forgive me when they are so so angry at me? I don't know and it's killing me.
