I haven't written in TOO long. I'm too busy. It's not an excuse - it's the craptastic reality. And when I'm not busy, I'm exhausted!
The good news is that I am so busy, the drama that is my life has been pushed off to the side for now. The bad news is - that's denial. Not necessarily healthy.
What's going on with me?
Let's see. I am buried in a sea of projects at work. I'm the lead on a new system implementation. I'm mentoring a temp on a new feed implementatin. I'm a SME on a major system implementation that has pulled 2 of our other BAs away full time for the foreseeable future. I just found out today that I am likely the lead on another feed implementation. And apparently yet another implementation - on which I'd be at least a SME - is being pushed above the budget line for this year (or the business is trying). Oh yes, and I run production support for our team.
I love my job. I'm good at my job. My job and my career path are very fulfilling for me. I know that makes me a nerd or a dork or stupid - I have worked my ass off to be successful and SUPPOSEDLY the powers that be at my job have "big things in store for me". What those are, when they will come - I don't know. Waiting to find out sucks, but what I can do to accelerate it (with 1 exception - which is on my LONG to do list), I don't know. I am not patient - which makes it worse especially now that this carrot is dangling in front of my in this case myopic eyes.
In the mean time, as much as I love my job - when I look at the lists of crap I have to accomplish, I am frustrated and overwhelmed. I'm one person - ONE person. And I am not so naive to think I'm the only person who is overloaded and overworked. I'm not.
But I AM overwhelmed and overworked. And I have no idea how to unearth myself from that situation. The perfectionist in me hates being too overwhelmed. It causes me to lose focus (HELLO adult ADHD) and get confused and make ridiculous mistakes.
And I think beyond that - because my divisin of my company is small, and so many of us are in the same boat - we've turned into a bunch of petty, back-stabbing assholes. Every opportunity, so overworked fool is shoving others under the bus. The same person pushed me under the bus in front of the same department twice already this week - and the week is only 2 days old.
I realize that it's a recession. And as I watched someone get let go on Friday from my work, I was reminded again how blessed I am to HAVE a job and be obviously valued in said job. I am not one to ignore my fortune, and I have fortune on my side here.
But in these difficult financial times, I think the powers that be can be a bit unrealistic. Cutting a staff in half and increasing their work - the math doesn't add up. Yes, we've staffed up a bit. Thank goodness. But those people need to be TRAINED. If you simultaneously dump 3 times the work on us because we've staffed up by 15% - the math still fails. The new people are neglected. Don't lecture me about taking the time to train them. I'd love to. I'd love to dump the basic shit elsewhere so I can do the stuff that requires the level of expertise I have.
But if I have 7 meetings a day - when the hell do I train these new people?
UGH. SO FRUSTRATING.
Today wasn't a bad day. It wasn't a good day. It was a day. I support someone who I'd like to take a shake. I verbally shook her after the 2nd bus incident. She made me look like an ass because she fired off an email to an inappropriate audience without thinking first. So I called her on it.
Tomorrow is a new day. And I will look my fortune to do a job I love - which drives me nuts but I love anyway - and get paid nicely for it.
I will hope to avoid the high school bullshit drama and put my head down and squeeze out as much work as I can in the unallocated hours I have. I will hope that I will do the best job I can, the best job of anyone - that I will do things correctly and quickly and effectively and efficiently, and I'll fill in the small chip in my shoulder or quelch the "negativity" I supposedly project at times.
And I'll remember that my job, my career - that's only part of who I am. So I won't work until 6:30pm - because I've got a cool kid at home waiting to tell me about his new BFF (who knew 7 year old used that terminology) or how he has an online "appointment" on webkinz.com or to explain to me what he learned about Vietnam from the book he's reading.
Life is balance. I haven't achieved it. I probably never will. But here I sit, running in knots, trying to figure this shit out.
And if you understood one damn thing I said, you win a cookie. I sure as hell didn't.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
on a positive note
One of my friends told me today that I have an eye for photography - and my mother (biased as she may be, she did work for a photographer for 20 years!) happened to say something similar on Saturday.
So I am seriously contemplating taking a little bit of my bonus that I was awarded today and putting it towards an SLR.
Not sure yet, though. Geez being miserly has its drawbacks.
So I am seriously contemplating taking a little bit of my bonus that I was awarded today and putting it towards an SLR.
Not sure yet, though. Geez being miserly has its drawbacks.
in my own skin
*** Introspective post - warning ***
There haven't been a lot of times in my life when I was entirely comfortable in my own skin. People who know me in a peripheral way might not believe that, but people who know me well know this with absolute certainty. That self-confidence you have as a little kid, that utter belief that the world revolves around you, everyone loves you, and you can do no wrong, that everyone thinks you're great...mine was broken when I was 7 years old - and then again when I was 10. And then I sunk into this period where I lacked self-confidence and it showed - in many many different ways.
It took me graduating from high school and then reinventing myself in college to regain a little of that self-confidence and, even then, it was different. Gone was the child-like innocence of it all. There was reality behind it. But I was able to find a way to identify myself positively. I was smart - not because my parents told me I was, but because I was...not at everything, but I was good at my major and bilingual and, hey, that was pretty cool to discover. I was good at school. I also found that I was able to find a small group of people in which I was loved - for my nerdiness and my quirkiness and just who I was.
As I left school, my self-confidence waned a bit - I had a very low point in my relationship, which then ended for a while, and it just wasn't a good time.
Over the years, things got better, than worse. I think that must be the natural progression of this among people who are not naturally self-confident. Having a child was hard, because I was scared and unsure of myself (oh and the year-long PPD didn't really help). As G got older, that got better too. Don't get me wrong, I am not exactly a confident parent! I don't think parenting comes all that naturally to me. But I feel like I try hard and do my best, and I think I've mostly gotten into a groove with it.
So in the last couple of years, I felt like I hit a decent stride over all. Parenting was getting easier, I was feeling successful at work, and I established a decent set of friends.
And now this. In the last few months, things have shaken out from under me. It seems silly - it's high school-like bullshit. But it's just gotten to me.
I don't understand why, at the ripe old age of 36, I am being subjected to a situation where someone is being catty and bitchy about me and towards me. I haven't done a damn thing to this person AT ALL.
What I've done is be me.
And for that, I've gotten hurt. I feel a bit betrayed by a couple of people I viewed (view) as friends.
I don't know who to trust. It's gotten to the point now where there is this undercurrent of paranoia. The person who has an issue with me is someone I have to interact with me regularly. This person has a LOT of friends and, come to find out, is feared by many of them.
And this person is being downright nasty towards me.
Again - because of who I am. Because of who I've chosen as friends and how I conduct myself - which I don't think is half bad.
This person has caused a rift in one of my friendships and has made me wonder who I can trust, because I know damn well that not only has this person said nasty, catty and vindictive things behind my back - but so has some of this person's friends - people I trusted and viewed as my own friends.
Frankly, this has shattered me.
I know, I know - shouldn't be a big deal, right?
Except 5 days a week, I have to go into an environment where I wonder what this person said about me. I have to wonder how this person spun her issue with me towards my friends. I have to try to repair an old friendship where some trust has been lost.
It's exhausting. It's frustrating. And it's killed my confidence.
This person put a target on my back just because of WHO I AM.
Now in a logical frame of mind I should (and do) think to myself "So what? Who is this person to you? Why do you care what she thinks? You have people in your life who care about you and who value you for who you are. Why should this person matter?"
And I believe that and agree with that.
Except for these relationships she'd fucked with.
I guess I just don't get it. I feel isolated and a little persecuted - and frustrated and hurt and sad. I feel like my being - who I am - is the cause of this. And it makes me just wonder what's wrong with me.
I know it's partly self-pity, because I am sad and hurt - but it's beyond that. And it sucks.
So now I have to try to work through it. Wish me luck. Today was a shitty day. I hope tomorrow is better. Hence my writing here. Maybe if I get it out - cry it out, write it out - I can get through it. I don't have a prayer as to how to do it any other way. I can't confront this person. I can't figure out how to trust these friends of mine again yet (although I want to). I'm floundering. I need to find a solution.
There haven't been a lot of times in my life when I was entirely comfortable in my own skin. People who know me in a peripheral way might not believe that, but people who know me well know this with absolute certainty. That self-confidence you have as a little kid, that utter belief that the world revolves around you, everyone loves you, and you can do no wrong, that everyone thinks you're great...mine was broken when I was 7 years old - and then again when I was 10. And then I sunk into this period where I lacked self-confidence and it showed - in many many different ways.
It took me graduating from high school and then reinventing myself in college to regain a little of that self-confidence and, even then, it was different. Gone was the child-like innocence of it all. There was reality behind it. But I was able to find a way to identify myself positively. I was smart - not because my parents told me I was, but because I was...not at everything, but I was good at my major and bilingual and, hey, that was pretty cool to discover. I was good at school. I also found that I was able to find a small group of people in which I was loved - for my nerdiness and my quirkiness and just who I was.
As I left school, my self-confidence waned a bit - I had a very low point in my relationship, which then ended for a while, and it just wasn't a good time.
Over the years, things got better, than worse. I think that must be the natural progression of this among people who are not naturally self-confident. Having a child was hard, because I was scared and unsure of myself (oh and the year-long PPD didn't really help). As G got older, that got better too. Don't get me wrong, I am not exactly a confident parent! I don't think parenting comes all that naturally to me. But I feel like I try hard and do my best, and I think I've mostly gotten into a groove with it.
So in the last couple of years, I felt like I hit a decent stride over all. Parenting was getting easier, I was feeling successful at work, and I established a decent set of friends.
And now this. In the last few months, things have shaken out from under me. It seems silly - it's high school-like bullshit. But it's just gotten to me.
I don't understand why, at the ripe old age of 36, I am being subjected to a situation where someone is being catty and bitchy about me and towards me. I haven't done a damn thing to this person AT ALL.
What I've done is be me.
And for that, I've gotten hurt. I feel a bit betrayed by a couple of people I viewed (view) as friends.
I don't know who to trust. It's gotten to the point now where there is this undercurrent of paranoia. The person who has an issue with me is someone I have to interact with me regularly. This person has a LOT of friends and, come to find out, is feared by many of them.
And this person is being downright nasty towards me.
Again - because of who I am. Because of who I've chosen as friends and how I conduct myself - which I don't think is half bad.
This person has caused a rift in one of my friendships and has made me wonder who I can trust, because I know damn well that not only has this person said nasty, catty and vindictive things behind my back - but so has some of this person's friends - people I trusted and viewed as my own friends.
Frankly, this has shattered me.
I know, I know - shouldn't be a big deal, right?
Except 5 days a week, I have to go into an environment where I wonder what this person said about me. I have to wonder how this person spun her issue with me towards my friends. I have to try to repair an old friendship where some trust has been lost.
It's exhausting. It's frustrating. And it's killed my confidence.
This person put a target on my back just because of WHO I AM.
Now in a logical frame of mind I should (and do) think to myself "So what? Who is this person to you? Why do you care what she thinks? You have people in your life who care about you and who value you for who you are. Why should this person matter?"
And I believe that and agree with that.
Except for these relationships she'd fucked with.
I guess I just don't get it. I feel isolated and a little persecuted - and frustrated and hurt and sad. I feel like my being - who I am - is the cause of this. And it makes me just wonder what's wrong with me.
I know it's partly self-pity, because I am sad and hurt - but it's beyond that. And it sucks.
So now I have to try to work through it. Wish me luck. Today was a shitty day. I hope tomorrow is better. Hence my writing here. Maybe if I get it out - cry it out, write it out - I can get through it. I don't have a prayer as to how to do it any other way. I can't confront this person. I can't figure out how to trust these friends of mine again yet (although I want to). I'm floundering. I need to find a solution.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
sparring
Here's a scenario to ponder.
You go to pick your child up from karate. You have to arrive early because your hubby has to go play basketball (it's funny - go ahead and laugh).
So you endure sparring for 1/2 hour. Sparring would be extremely exciting if it went on for more than 30 seconds. It doesn't. So between sparring matches, you watch your over-tired, over-stimulated child (who wandered into your room at 5:50am for no apparent reason that morning) toss his head gear, wear his head gear backwards, bounce around the room, etc. out of sheer boredom. Oh and he's sucking his finger - you make a mental note that you are glad you ordered the Mavala off Amazon last night and really hope it works....because the bandaids you require he wear (but I gather Dad sometimes doesn't...) don't.
You love your child but you would like to pitch him out the 2nd floor window over this behavior.
During this time, you're shivering. Why? Because you came straight from the gym where you ran 2.5+ miles and are still sweating -and the window is open. UHM BRR.
The torture that is sparring finally, mercifully ends and out bounds your almost 8 year old. He tells you he doesn't have to go into the changing room because "Everything I had with me is here." You note the following:
- no shoes
- no coat
It's winter in CT and all of 24 degrees out - maybe - with snow from this morning on the ground.
Great.
Then in the car - "Oh Mom - and besides my coat and shoes, Dad forgot to bring the form and money for the tournament on Saturday. He got halfway down the hill and said he 'could' turn around for it, but decided he didn't want to."
I love running my household. Clearly I must leave notes about bringing coats to karate now. I didnt realize that required a reminder - in the dead of winter.
----------
Ran 2.56 miles in 26 minutes - felt pretty good. Perhaps I should have run further. ;-)
You go to pick your child up from karate. You have to arrive early because your hubby has to go play basketball (it's funny - go ahead and laugh).
So you endure sparring for 1/2 hour. Sparring would be extremely exciting if it went on for more than 30 seconds. It doesn't. So between sparring matches, you watch your over-tired, over-stimulated child (who wandered into your room at 5:50am for no apparent reason that morning) toss his head gear, wear his head gear backwards, bounce around the room, etc. out of sheer boredom. Oh and he's sucking his finger - you make a mental note that you are glad you ordered the Mavala off Amazon last night and really hope it works....because the bandaids you require he wear (but I gather Dad sometimes doesn't...) don't.
You love your child but you would like to pitch him out the 2nd floor window over this behavior.
During this time, you're shivering. Why? Because you came straight from the gym where you ran 2.5+ miles and are still sweating -and the window is open. UHM BRR.
The torture that is sparring finally, mercifully ends and out bounds your almost 8 year old. He tells you he doesn't have to go into the changing room because "Everything I had with me is here." You note the following:
- no shoes
- no coat
It's winter in CT and all of 24 degrees out - maybe - with snow from this morning on the ground.
Great.
Then in the car - "Oh Mom - and besides my coat and shoes, Dad forgot to bring the form and money for the tournament on Saturday. He got halfway down the hill and said he 'could' turn around for it, but decided he didn't want to."
I love running my household. Clearly I must leave notes about bringing coats to karate now. I didnt realize that required a reminder - in the dead of winter.
----------
Ran 2.56 miles in 26 minutes - felt pretty good. Perhaps I should have run further. ;-)
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
blogging over confusion
Ok, I've been watching Lost for a while - but tonight's episode is confusing the crap out of me. I decided that was a sure sign to half-listen and blog. ;-)
I had a good run today - 2.66 miles in 26 minutes. I actually could have run further - go figure -
but didn't have enough time.
There just are NOT enough hours in the day right now. We have about 15 people in the office all week for project-from-hell - now I'm only a SME on this project at this point, but I still am expected to be pretty involved this week. That in and of itself would be enough but we have the last new hire, the new hire who started this week, and the temp-now-hired who all need training. ACK!!!
I finally got around to printing a boatload of projects off at work today (hey I had 10 minutes left and no 10 minute tasks, so it was answer a couple of emails or print out some knitting patterns). Tonight I started Lion Brand New Cottage Socks. I am excited - I'll do these alongside my "real" socks, but these are chunky and hopefully we'll go quickly. Cross your fingers.
Speaking of, I can get in some work on them while I half-listen to LOST and hope my brain doesn't start bleeding again trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
I had a good run today - 2.66 miles in 26 minutes. I actually could have run further - go figure -
but didn't have enough time.
There just are NOT enough hours in the day right now. We have about 15 people in the office all week for project-from-hell - now I'm only a SME on this project at this point, but I still am expected to be pretty involved this week. That in and of itself would be enough but we have the last new hire, the new hire who started this week, and the temp-now-hired who all need training. ACK!!!
I finally got around to printing a boatload of projects off at work today (hey I had 10 minutes left and no 10 minute tasks, so it was answer a couple of emails or print out some knitting patterns). Tonight I started Lion Brand New Cottage Socks. I am excited - I'll do these alongside my "real" socks, but these are chunky and hopefully we'll go quickly. Cross your fingers.
Speaking of, I can get in some work on them while I half-listen to LOST and hope my brain doesn't start bleeding again trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
Monday, February 1, 2010
one other hobby
Another hobby I have is photography. I am not exactly thrilled with my cameras right now - I want an SLR, but I am saving up for a while for that first. In the meantime, I occasionally pull off a photo I love with my point-and-shoot.
This is one from this past weekend. I loved capturing the solitude and peacefulness my son was experience at the end of an afternoon of skating. It was one of *those* moments and I can feel it now as I look at the picture. I'm happy with it.
on to the next project
I finished the mantel scarf this weekend. See picture below.
I'm happy with it. It could be better. I'm not sure I'm thrilled with the binding around the points - it doesn't seem sharp enough to me.
*** One of the reasons I tend to stall on projects at times is my perfectionism. I'm a perfectionist - in my crafts, in my work, in my parenting, in my life. You would think perfectionism is a good thing, and it can be. But for me, it can be an impediment. When I'm not happy with the quality of something I am doing, I sometimes freeze and can't move forward. Sometimes I move backwards - I've been known to rip apart a quilt and start all over again if my seams are straight enough. But lately, because I am so easily overwhelmed, it simply causes me to stop dead in my tracks. I have the half-started projects to prove it - oh yeah, and the half-assed stuff at work and a couple of rather signficant personal life issues I've left stagnant for a while.
I love and hate my perfectionism. I wish I could let up on myself enough. What's the harm in not being pefect, really? No one else expects that of me - why do I expect it of myself? I wish I knew - it would be so freeing to cut myself some slack on occasion.
*** Sorry, introspective moment over!
So what's next?
Believe it or not, the sock is now about 4 inches long. I am feeling some slight sense of possibility!
I also found a couple of knitting projects - fat/thick socks and a cool laced hat - that I want to make now. I attempted to print the projects out today at work but my blasted printer ate one of them. Argh. For all you "Office Space" fans - "PC load letter?!?!? What the fuck is PC load letter?!?!?" Yeah that sums up my relationship with my printer. LOL.
Hubby has also requested another quilt for the couch. Apparently my heat czar ways are making him cold and he needs more than one blanket. I'm not sure if this is a veiled insult or an actual request for a quilt - I suspect a combination of the two.
That's my 2 or 20 cents for the day. Rough day.
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