I've had two different people recently - i.e. this week - comment to me about my writing abilities, or at the very least, my story telling abilities.
On Monday night, I saw my shrink for my bi-weekly visit. I had a lot to say. It's been a hell of a time lately, what with my sister's wedding and the various dramas and chaos that surrounded that, plus a whole of other bullshit inflicted upon me in part due to my own personal stupidity. I was full-on verbal ramblings for the first 45 minutes of my session - we had a brief actual conversation for the last 5 so, while cathartic, the session was not particularly productive in terms of me getting any sort of direction on how to fumble through this thing that my life has somehow become.
On my way out, he said to me "A - you should write a blog. You need to tell these stories. Not only will it allow you to get them out, but the way you tell them is funny. I know the actual crap you have to deal with isn't funny on the surface, but the way you tell me about it is hysterical. You'd have thousands of readers."
I was totally flattered and told him I DO have a blog but, alas, at this time, some of those stories have to remain in my (private, locked down) journaal. Wrong audience here.
Of course, I am tempted to create an anonymous blog, just to test his theory!!!
In a totally unrelated situation, I had written a sort of "story" for a friend at work today. It's really just my way of releasing stress about a co-worker who drives us crazy. I try to make these stories mysterious and vague enough that, if anyone else were to see it, they'd have to at least think hard to figure out who I was talking about, but also funny or tongue-in-cheek.
I was on a roll this afternoon. I was tired (AM tired) and overworked and at my wit's end, so there I went. Totally unsolicited, after "publishing" a teaser on my latest story (I write them slowly, over a period of days, and provide my readers with "installments"), my one reader told me I was a great writer. WHAT?
Wait - WHAT?
I'm a math nerd.
I'm a former programmer.
I do things that are logical well - that's why I quilt and knit - math.
Writing is purely creative. And this compliment came from one of the most creative people I know. It was genuine.
And I'm still fucking floored by it. I wonder - but it's inspired me (OBVIOUSLY) to get back to my blogging more regularly. Now let's see - like my trip to the gym FINALLY this week - if I can keep this up.
Friday, November 12, 2010
unrelated side note about rudeness across the generations
While I'm on a roll (or not - LOL)...
I go and get my lunch every Friday at the same place. It's a small market / grocery store close to my office and they make some kick-ass (although too meat-laden unless you remember to order the junior size) sandwiches.
And every Friday when I am there - generally between 12:15 and 12:45 no thanks to my horrific meeting schedule - I marvel at the retirees who are there doing their weekly grocery shopping at that time. Here's the thing. This is a freakin' store that's known across that small town for its sandwiches. The only other sandwich shop in the area in Subway and, while I love Subway myself, you can't eat that stuff every day! So come on - grocery shop at 10:30 or 1:30. But 12:35????
To add insult to injury, in addition to my marveling at these people putting themselves through waiting in a line of 14 corporate suits needing sandwiches asap, I marvel more at those grocery shoppers who decide they shouldn't have to wait in line - and therefore don't.
You read that right. 65-ish year old men and women cutting in line because they need their 8 slices of olive loaf and you bet your ass they won't wait for my slightly out of shape 36 year old body to get her turkey and cheddar on pumpernickel. This happens to me - EASY - at least once a month, which is quite the statistic if you think about it - I only go there 4 or 5 times a month.
I am flabberghasted by these people. They will blantantly ignore the line of people waiting - which lines up the same way every.fucking.day and go to the other end of the deli counter and attempt to place their order.
The last person to (try to) do this to me was a small old man, 75-ish and a good 5 inches shorter than my 5'8" i.e. nearly 6' in my heels self.
He sidled up to me - bypassing the entire line by the way - and started ordering from the young kid who was attempting to help me. And you guessed it, he wanted an eighth (REALLY) of a pound of the cheapest, grayest looking ham they had. Give me a fucking break buddy. I don't give a rat's ass how old you are or how busy you are, I'm fucking next in line. The poor kid trying to wait on me looked perplexed but, to his credit, said "I'm sorry sir, but this woman has been waiting - the line is there" and pointed. Said old man actually continued ordering - are you fucking kidding me - so I shrugged and just said "Go ahead".
There is some irony in this. I have had people of the generation prior to me - and I am of the so-called Gen X - refer to my generation as selfish and rude and spoiled - and we sure as hell are. But uhm...the sense of entitlement rolls across generations...I don't think it's generation-specific, in fact; I think it's personality-specific.
So to that short-ass little man - you are fucking rude you jackass. How about you buy your fucking gray ham NOT during our lunch hour next time, so that the deli counter will have no line, and you won't come off as a rude prick by cutting 12 people in line. Jackass.
I go and get my lunch every Friday at the same place. It's a small market / grocery store close to my office and they make some kick-ass (although too meat-laden unless you remember to order the junior size) sandwiches.
And every Friday when I am there - generally between 12:15 and 12:45 no thanks to my horrific meeting schedule - I marvel at the retirees who are there doing their weekly grocery shopping at that time. Here's the thing. This is a freakin' store that's known across that small town for its sandwiches. The only other sandwich shop in the area in Subway and, while I love Subway myself, you can't eat that stuff every day! So come on - grocery shop at 10:30 or 1:30. But 12:35????
To add insult to injury, in addition to my marveling at these people putting themselves through waiting in a line of 14 corporate suits needing sandwiches asap, I marvel more at those grocery shoppers who decide they shouldn't have to wait in line - and therefore don't.
You read that right. 65-ish year old men and women cutting in line because they need their 8 slices of olive loaf and you bet your ass they won't wait for my slightly out of shape 36 year old body to get her turkey and cheddar on pumpernickel. This happens to me - EASY - at least once a month, which is quite the statistic if you think about it - I only go there 4 or 5 times a month.
I am flabberghasted by these people. They will blantantly ignore the line of people waiting - which lines up the same way every.fucking.day and go to the other end of the deli counter and attempt to place their order.
The last person to (try to) do this to me was a small old man, 75-ish and a good 5 inches shorter than my 5'8" i.e. nearly 6' in my heels self.
He sidled up to me - bypassing the entire line by the way - and started ordering from the young kid who was attempting to help me. And you guessed it, he wanted an eighth (REALLY) of a pound of the cheapest, grayest looking ham they had. Give me a fucking break buddy. I don't give a rat's ass how old you are or how busy you are, I'm fucking next in line. The poor kid trying to wait on me looked perplexed but, to his credit, said "I'm sorry sir, but this woman has been waiting - the line is there" and pointed. Said old man actually continued ordering - are you fucking kidding me - so I shrugged and just said "Go ahead".
There is some irony in this. I have had people of the generation prior to me - and I am of the so-called Gen X - refer to my generation as selfish and rude and spoiled - and we sure as hell are. But uhm...the sense of entitlement rolls across generations...I don't think it's generation-specific, in fact; I think it's personality-specific.
So to that short-ass little man - you are fucking rude you jackass. How about you buy your fucking gray ham NOT during our lunch hour next time, so that the deli counter will have no line, and you won't come off as a rude prick by cutting 12 people in line. Jackass.
it's a contradiction
November in Connecticut isn't exactly nice most of the time. Sometimes it snows, which is fine (although annoying because despite that being a good possibility, we're never ready for it). Sometimes it's rainy and cold and wet and nasty - mostly it seems some years. And then, because it's New England, there are those one or two shiny, sunny, 60 degree days. You hope they fall on an idle Saturday - and usually, they don't.
Today was a beautiful late fall day - a meeting-laden, stress-filled, exhausting busy work Friday. G shared a nice, although somewhat fast-moving (at least for him) cold, so I felt like shit from the moment I got in the office. I had an 8:30, 8:45, 9:30, 10:30, and an 11 - and I had testing I had to sign off on by noon that I hadn't started. You get the picture. I got in at 8:05 to an "emergency" call and there it went.
By the time 12:30 rolled around, I was sort of hungry, cranky, a little frustrated with my work and personal life, and needed a breather. Luckily, I never bring lunch on Friday (when our refrigerator looks like it was just delivered with some complimentary bottled water and wine - LOL) - so I had to get the hell out of that building.
I was surprised when I walked out of the building (my office is in the basement, which is exposed on one side, although not within my sight line unless I turn around) and not only was it not freezing cold, it was pleasantly warm (mid 50s) and so sunny I needed my sunglasses. It was wonderful.
After passing through the seat belt check point not subtley placed about 500 feet from our office - twice - I decided I would not work while shoving my sandwich down my throat. It was too nice to go inside - and I needed some time alone to shake the cobwebs out of my head.
I sat quietly at the picnic table with my sandwich and my thoughts. It was weird - for the millionth time in the recent past portion of my adult life, I thought about loneliness and the irony of loneliness.
I am a wife and a mother and a daughter and a big sister and an employee and a collegue and a friend. I am surrounded by people a good portion of my day. I have more friends now that I had as a child and especially as a teenager, and they are, to a person, great and amazing and supportive people.
So how come I feel lonely so much?
People equate loneliness to be alone. As the mother of an only child (by my choice - and his father's resignation I guess), I get a lot of crap that G will be or is lonely because he's alone.
But the thing is, not being alone doesn't insulate you from loneliness.
I remember being lonely as a child - and I had two siblings (sometimes much to my chagrin and no, that's no secret to them - I don't feel that way now) to play with all the time. But they were almost Irish twins and great friends - and I was an introverted, weird, nerdy kid who - in retrospect - isolated herself in some ways due to rampant insecurity and unhappiness. So even then, I was never alone (how could I be sharing that small room with my sister) and often lonely.
There I sat, at that picnic table - alone - and I was reminded that while I felt a little lonely there, I also had felt lonely in the office. I'm not lonely all the time, but it definitely ebbs and flows, and today was an oddly lonely day. I think I was in a self-pitying kind of mood because I didn't feel well, and because a few things had happened that morning that reminded me of a problem in my personal life that's long-standing, and just isn't fixable, and is making me feel frustrated, sad, and is isolating.
It was just one of those introspective moments where I was reminded that - like I said - loneliness isn't the same as alone. You can be in a crowded room with 100 of your friends and be lonely - it certainly happens to me.
Today was a beautiful late fall day - a meeting-laden, stress-filled, exhausting busy work Friday. G shared a nice, although somewhat fast-moving (at least for him) cold, so I felt like shit from the moment I got in the office. I had an 8:30, 8:45, 9:30, 10:30, and an 11 - and I had testing I had to sign off on by noon that I hadn't started. You get the picture. I got in at 8:05 to an "emergency" call and there it went.
By the time 12:30 rolled around, I was sort of hungry, cranky, a little frustrated with my work and personal life, and needed a breather. Luckily, I never bring lunch on Friday (when our refrigerator looks like it was just delivered with some complimentary bottled water and wine - LOL) - so I had to get the hell out of that building.
I was surprised when I walked out of the building (my office is in the basement, which is exposed on one side, although not within my sight line unless I turn around) and not only was it not freezing cold, it was pleasantly warm (mid 50s) and so sunny I needed my sunglasses. It was wonderful.
After passing through the seat belt check point not subtley placed about 500 feet from our office - twice - I decided I would not work while shoving my sandwich down my throat. It was too nice to go inside - and I needed some time alone to shake the cobwebs out of my head.
I sat quietly at the picnic table with my sandwich and my thoughts. It was weird - for the millionth time in the recent past portion of my adult life, I thought about loneliness and the irony of loneliness.
I am a wife and a mother and a daughter and a big sister and an employee and a collegue and a friend. I am surrounded by people a good portion of my day. I have more friends now that I had as a child and especially as a teenager, and they are, to a person, great and amazing and supportive people.
So how come I feel lonely so much?
People equate loneliness to be alone. As the mother of an only child (by my choice - and his father's resignation I guess), I get a lot of crap that G will be or is lonely because he's alone.
But the thing is, not being alone doesn't insulate you from loneliness.
I remember being lonely as a child - and I had two siblings (sometimes much to my chagrin and no, that's no secret to them - I don't feel that way now) to play with all the time. But they were almost Irish twins and great friends - and I was an introverted, weird, nerdy kid who - in retrospect - isolated herself in some ways due to rampant insecurity and unhappiness. So even then, I was never alone (how could I be sharing that small room with my sister) and often lonely.
There I sat, at that picnic table - alone - and I was reminded that while I felt a little lonely there, I also had felt lonely in the office. I'm not lonely all the time, but it definitely ebbs and flows, and today was an oddly lonely day. I think I was in a self-pitying kind of mood because I didn't feel well, and because a few things had happened that morning that reminded me of a problem in my personal life that's long-standing, and just isn't fixable, and is making me feel frustrated, sad, and is isolating.
It was just one of those introspective moments where I was reminded that - like I said - loneliness isn't the same as alone. You can be in a crowded room with 100 of your friends and be lonely - it certainly happens to me.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
my eyes itch...
...and I can smell the sour, bitter, smoky and somehow mellow smell of chiminea smoke in my hair - which makes the eye scratchiness worth it - sort of.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
it's stuck in my head
I was having a deep and meaningful conversation with one of my very closest friends today about music. We were talking about music and I said something that apparently is perplexing to everyone but me. ;-) I said that I have problems with songs that I really like, that really tickle a spot in my brain and get me humming along from moment one. It's just a certain type of song that does this to me. At first it's fun - it gets stuck in my head and keeps me company all day long. Then it's annoying, because I find myself singing it all day long and it just won't go away. Then, if it really reaches the apex of badness - I can't even hear the first note to it on the radio without wanting to rip my ears off. LOL. Needless to say, this opinion didn't resonate with my friend, who apparently likes when songs get stuck in his head but nevertheless...hopefully I got my point across. ;-)
Oh yeah - the song in question was "Mary", from the new Kings of Leon song. I really liked the 50s style of the song when I first heard the album. I was listening to it today, though, and wouldn't you know it - the damn song is now stuck in my head and pissing me off. That may be its kiss of death - we'll see. It hasn't been relegated to "Life is a Highway" status - yet. Geez, even typing the title of THAT song irritates me.
In other news, my sister's wedding is D-O-N-E! She and her new husband are enjoying a rainy vacation in a faraway land and the days of panicked emails regarding the orange and brown candy bar or how many pumpkins are needed for the front porch of the inn. We don't have to worry about the crisis d'jour will be the morning of the wedding (averted nicely due to the large number of medical professionals attending the wedding). PHEW! If I'm so relieved it's over, I'm sure M and T are even moreso!
It was a beautiful wedding on a beautiful, albeit it (very) chilly fall day in NJ. Congrats to them and may their marriage be significantly less drama-filled than mine is. GAH!
In other drama-related news, fall soccer is almost over. The parent/kid game is Saturday. Apparently I'll be playing. Does no one realize that there are many MANY reasons why I ran track and cross country as a kid, not the least of which is my rampant clumsiness?!?! Let's hope I don't injury myself in any way - Gregg's endless injuries and resulting surgeries are definitely sufficient.
Wow, bored yet?
I'd love to wax philosophical but I think I'm too damn exhausted. I feel like I'm on a treadmill and can't get off - which would be great in a way because I haven't been in the gym in about 2.5 months. What a freakin' slacker!!
I guess all is ok in my world. I am in another bit of a pickle career-wise. I am currently being courted by my former boss and a former peer for a job at another company. I've basically been hand-picked for this position and they're waiting for me.
Sounds great, right?
Uhm...of course nothing is simple.
First and foremost - the job is a 50-55 min commute for me. If I were childless, that wouldn't be a big deal, after all, I did a 45 min commute for almost 8 years. But I have a kid, a kid I don't see all that much as it is. that just feels....far.
And second - and I hate to write this down for fear of sounding like a bitch - but I'd be working for my former peer. She and I were peers for 2 years up until I left that job for my current job (about 3.5 yrs ago). Now I'd be working for her. I guess that resonates with me and prickles me because it reminds me of the frustrations I have in my current position. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm damn good at my job. I lack confidence in many areas of my life but I know I'm good at what I do. Two years ago, I was assured a leadership role "just as soon" as they could implement it. Yet here we sit, 2 years later, and I have the same damn title I did then. Oh I have gotten some fuzzy and definitely unofficial extra responsibilities for sure - but with ZERO power. So people know I'm a leader but when a decision needs to be made, I can't do a fucking thing.
So I guess the idea of having this former peer as a boss just reminds me that I am in this quagmire.
The good news is it's got me moving a little bit. My boss is currently out on disability. We are trying to hire 3 new people - we've selected one but need to pick the 2 others. This responsbility is being shared by 3 of us, but one of ladies involved is, well, bossy, and our manager left her to sort of 'champion' this. FREAKIN' FABULOUS. Bossy, of course, is being territorial and talking to the VP (our boss's boss) without us - so we get all the info 2nd hand. After interviewing several people, she delivered the bomb that the 2 remaining slots are both temps. Uhm...helpful information we needed a while ago!! Then she doesn't agree with us on what type of person we should hire, and we don't have clear direction.
The other person helping with the hiring is really more on the periphery. She recommended someone before this whole temp thing came up - a friend and an internal candidate - and now she feels fucked over, so she's stepped mostly out. But I've asked to meet with Bossy and the VP and I kept getting shut out.
Well screw that. I reached out to the VP last night. I told her I was trying to understand where we were headed and I had some ideas I'd like to run by her. I indicated I wasn't trying to go behind Bossy's back but that when I'd asked to be involved, I'd be shut out and now I wasn't clear on what the path was.
She emailed me back and said she'd call -hopefully she does. I"m proud of myself for speaking up. I need to take control of my career. No one is going to do it for me - this VP has said she's looking out for me, she's told everyone in my reporting chain she has "plans" for me - yet I've seen none of that. Enough already. I can contribute more - not by getting more work (something I seem to be good at) but by doing something different, by leading, by effecting organizational change. I need someone to take a chance on me.
Hence my dilemma.
Gregg thinks I should apply for that job anyway. I would feel like a dick because the reality is, unless they made me an AMAZING offer, I couldn't do.
Shit.
Oh yeah - the song in question was "Mary", from the new Kings of Leon song. I really liked the 50s style of the song when I first heard the album. I was listening to it today, though, and wouldn't you know it - the damn song is now stuck in my head and pissing me off. That may be its kiss of death - we'll see. It hasn't been relegated to "Life is a Highway" status - yet. Geez, even typing the title of THAT song irritates me.
In other news, my sister's wedding is D-O-N-E! She and her new husband are enjoying a rainy vacation in a faraway land and the days of panicked emails regarding the orange and brown candy bar or how many pumpkins are needed for the front porch of the inn. We don't have to worry about the crisis d'jour will be the morning of the wedding (averted nicely due to the large number of medical professionals attending the wedding). PHEW! If I'm so relieved it's over, I'm sure M and T are even moreso!
It was a beautiful wedding on a beautiful, albeit it (very) chilly fall day in NJ. Congrats to them and may their marriage be significantly less drama-filled than mine is. GAH!
In other drama-related news, fall soccer is almost over. The parent/kid game is Saturday. Apparently I'll be playing. Does no one realize that there are many MANY reasons why I ran track and cross country as a kid, not the least of which is my rampant clumsiness?!?! Let's hope I don't injury myself in any way - Gregg's endless injuries and resulting surgeries are definitely sufficient.
Wow, bored yet?
I'd love to wax philosophical but I think I'm too damn exhausted. I feel like I'm on a treadmill and can't get off - which would be great in a way because I haven't been in the gym in about 2.5 months. What a freakin' slacker!!
I guess all is ok in my world. I am in another bit of a pickle career-wise. I am currently being courted by my former boss and a former peer for a job at another company. I've basically been hand-picked for this position and they're waiting for me.
Sounds great, right?
Uhm...of course nothing is simple.
First and foremost - the job is a 50-55 min commute for me. If I were childless, that wouldn't be a big deal, after all, I did a 45 min commute for almost 8 years. But I have a kid, a kid I don't see all that much as it is. that just feels....far.
And second - and I hate to write this down for fear of sounding like a bitch - but I'd be working for my former peer. She and I were peers for 2 years up until I left that job for my current job (about 3.5 yrs ago). Now I'd be working for her. I guess that resonates with me and prickles me because it reminds me of the frustrations I have in my current position. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm damn good at my job. I lack confidence in many areas of my life but I know I'm good at what I do. Two years ago, I was assured a leadership role "just as soon" as they could implement it. Yet here we sit, 2 years later, and I have the same damn title I did then. Oh I have gotten some fuzzy and definitely unofficial extra responsibilities for sure - but with ZERO power. So people know I'm a leader but when a decision needs to be made, I can't do a fucking thing.
So I guess the idea of having this former peer as a boss just reminds me that I am in this quagmire.
The good news is it's got me moving a little bit. My boss is currently out on disability. We are trying to hire 3 new people - we've selected one but need to pick the 2 others. This responsbility is being shared by 3 of us, but one of ladies involved is, well, bossy, and our manager left her to sort of 'champion' this. FREAKIN' FABULOUS. Bossy, of course, is being territorial and talking to the VP (our boss's boss) without us - so we get all the info 2nd hand. After interviewing several people, she delivered the bomb that the 2 remaining slots are both temps. Uhm...helpful information we needed a while ago!! Then she doesn't agree with us on what type of person we should hire, and we don't have clear direction.
The other person helping with the hiring is really more on the periphery. She recommended someone before this whole temp thing came up - a friend and an internal candidate - and now she feels fucked over, so she's stepped mostly out. But I've asked to meet with Bossy and the VP and I kept getting shut out.
Well screw that. I reached out to the VP last night. I told her I was trying to understand where we were headed and I had some ideas I'd like to run by her. I indicated I wasn't trying to go behind Bossy's back but that when I'd asked to be involved, I'd be shut out and now I wasn't clear on what the path was.
She emailed me back and said she'd call -hopefully she does. I"m proud of myself for speaking up. I need to take control of my career. No one is going to do it for me - this VP has said she's looking out for me, she's told everyone in my reporting chain she has "plans" for me - yet I've seen none of that. Enough already. I can contribute more - not by getting more work (something I seem to be good at) but by doing something different, by leading, by effecting organizational change. I need someone to take a chance on me.
Hence my dilemma.
Gregg thinks I should apply for that job anyway. I would feel like a dick because the reality is, unless they made me an AMAZING offer, I couldn't do.
Shit.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I'm boring
It came to my attention recently that I am boring.
Actually, no one told me that - so I guess it was more of a revelation.
This isn't to say that I'm not an interesting person. I like to think I am multi-faceted and not exactly as I appear on the surface.
It's more that there isn't a lot of fireworks in my day-to-day life. This is not always the case but lately, life consists of work, kid, soccer, cub scouts, lather, rinse, repeat.
Oddly, this does not make my life boring - although when I give my longer distance friends "updates" on what's going on with me, it SOUNDS boring to my ears. The reality is, my day-to-day is pretty frenetic from about 6:15am until 8:30pm. After that, it quiets down some - and oddly, that's when I sometimes feel crushed and almost suffocated with confusion and my endlessly long list of things to do - thus rendering that quiet time not particularly peaceful. Phew. Case in point. It's 9:20pm and I am on the couch blogging. After that, I am going to knit and attempt to ignore the little voice in my head saying...
"You haven't started G's Halloween costume."
"You haven't scrapped since last spring and have to do almost a year's worth of pages."
"Your life insurance will hit the end of its guarantee period in a couple of years...get going."
"That will isn't going to rewrite itself."
"The first Cub Scout camp out is in a month...good thing it's tent-free because, while you have a sleeping bag, you have NO TENT."
"Isn't it almost time to start packing for the wedding?"
The mind of a Type A, OCD person is never, ever silent. I omitted my latest hypochondriac worries and, of course, my endless array of relationship concerns, confusions, and conundrums.
My hubby has suggested that meditation or yoga might quiet my ever-screeching mind. I wish. I can't meditate. I can't even turn the volume on those voices down quietly enough to sink into a meditative state. And I like yoga, despite being, quite possibly, the least coordinated person on the planet. I have 7 Namaste Yoga episodes on my DVR waiting for me. But alas...no time. I have no inclination to do yoga, or really move my ever-widening ass from the couch after 9pm. Hell, if I'm not getting up to deal with that life insurance issue, I'm sure as hell not moving to do yoga!
So here I sit, my mind cluttered and the theme song to "Hawaii 5-0" running through my head.
Oh yeah, I forgot that part. Not only is my brain cluttered with long to do lists and endless useless crap such as the introduction to Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales" in middle English (no, I'm not kidding) - at any given time, I have at least 1 and often 3 songs stuck in my head.
Tonight?
"Hawaii 5-0" theme song
Jason Walker - "Down" ***
*** Side note. I heard that song on Pandora tonight. I've heard it before and 'liked' it on Pandora, hence the reason I played it again. It's lovely. The version they play on Pandora is a duet with Molly Reed (not sure who the hell that is) who penned the song with Jason. I love the cadence and I love the lyrics. It's really beautiful. It somehow captures that feeling of being lost - that feeling we don't think we as adults are supposed to have, yet do. At least - I do.
So here I sit, my boring - but not really seemingly so - self with my cluttered mind, not-settled heart, and restless spirit. What was the point of this blog entry? I have no idea. Sorry!
Actually, no one told me that - so I guess it was more of a revelation.
This isn't to say that I'm not an interesting person. I like to think I am multi-faceted and not exactly as I appear on the surface.
It's more that there isn't a lot of fireworks in my day-to-day life. This is not always the case but lately, life consists of work, kid, soccer, cub scouts, lather, rinse, repeat.
Oddly, this does not make my life boring - although when I give my longer distance friends "updates" on what's going on with me, it SOUNDS boring to my ears. The reality is, my day-to-day is pretty frenetic from about 6:15am until 8:30pm. After that, it quiets down some - and oddly, that's when I sometimes feel crushed and almost suffocated with confusion and my endlessly long list of things to do - thus rendering that quiet time not particularly peaceful. Phew. Case in point. It's 9:20pm and I am on the couch blogging. After that, I am going to knit and attempt to ignore the little voice in my head saying...
"You haven't started G's Halloween costume."
"You haven't scrapped since last spring and have to do almost a year's worth of pages."
"Your life insurance will hit the end of its guarantee period in a couple of years...get going."
"That will isn't going to rewrite itself."
"The first Cub Scout camp out is in a month...good thing it's tent-free because, while you have a sleeping bag, you have NO TENT."
"Isn't it almost time to start packing for the wedding?"
The mind of a Type A, OCD person is never, ever silent. I omitted my latest hypochondriac worries and, of course, my endless array of relationship concerns, confusions, and conundrums.
My hubby has suggested that meditation or yoga might quiet my ever-screeching mind. I wish. I can't meditate. I can't even turn the volume on those voices down quietly enough to sink into a meditative state. And I like yoga, despite being, quite possibly, the least coordinated person on the planet. I have 7 Namaste Yoga episodes on my DVR waiting for me. But alas...no time. I have no inclination to do yoga, or really move my ever-widening ass from the couch after 9pm. Hell, if I'm not getting up to deal with that life insurance issue, I'm sure as hell not moving to do yoga!
So here I sit, my mind cluttered and the theme song to "Hawaii 5-0" running through my head.
Oh yeah, I forgot that part. Not only is my brain cluttered with long to do lists and endless useless crap such as the introduction to Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales" in middle English (no, I'm not kidding) - at any given time, I have at least 1 and often 3 songs stuck in my head.
Tonight?
"Hawaii 5-0" theme song
Jason Walker - "Down" ***
*** Side note. I heard that song on Pandora tonight. I've heard it before and 'liked' it on Pandora, hence the reason I played it again. It's lovely. The version they play on Pandora is a duet with Molly Reed (not sure who the hell that is) who penned the song with Jason. I love the cadence and I love the lyrics. It's really beautiful. It somehow captures that feeling of being lost - that feeling we don't think we as adults are supposed to have, yet do. At least - I do.
So here I sit, my boring - but not really seemingly so - self with my cluttered mind, not-settled heart, and restless spirit. What was the point of this blog entry? I have no idea. Sorry!
Friday, October 1, 2010
I have no decent title
Just some miscellaneous ramblings - so no good title for this one.
Today was a great example of how calling a doctor and making an appointment will cure you of what ails you. This happens to me so often that I'm beginning to wonder if I need to be properly treated for hypochondria.
For the last almost 2 weeks, on and off - my friggin jaw has been hurting - and by hurting I mean pain that radiated back to the joint, up the back of my ear, across my ear, and at points into my cheek. It was on and off but sufficiently bad enough that I went to the dentist late last week thinking I had a cavity. I don't. However, my dentist had me move my jaw a bit and said "WOAH", which I took as a very bad sign. He went on to tell me that I have "a pretty bad case of TMJ" - fabulous - and took a mold for a nightguard that I've needed for oh...20 years now...maybe more. He said that was the cause of the pain and voila, yelled at me for not coming in for 18 months and sent me on my way.
For a few days, the pain was much less pointed...until Monday now and back it came. Advil was barely touching it - although I found that Tylenol plus Pinot Grigio was helping - alas, not appropriate for work hours. ;-) By yesterday morning, I was over it. I figured I needed to get into my doctor to get some painkillers or have my jaw broken and reset or something. LOL.
Oddly, this is not a sufficient medical issue to warrant a same day appointment and, despite their insistence, I was not going in at 1:45pm today (REALLY???). I took the 4pm appointment and breathed.
And what do you know. As the day progressed, the pain lessened...and kept lessening so last night was Tylenol (although not Pinot)-free.
Same today.
So I cancelled my appointment.
My problem now - how long until it comes back? Ah...Andrea...such a pessimist.
We'll see. I hope it's gone for a while. Today was not exactly a banner day. Busy - understatement - at work, with some over email (of course) personal life issues going on - nothing hugely serious but the same old thing just the same.
I've been in a bit of funk lately, which is part of the reason for said issues and for my lack of appearance here. As I mentioned the other night - I'm not exactly sure I can put my finger on the problem.
I feel tired.
I feel old (UGH! Love birthday time of year...)
I feel worn down.
I feel taken for granted.
I feel second, like I am not really a priority.
I feel this sense of wonder about how people do it - maintain relationships, love, be loved back...how they risk it...how they throw themselves into it and time it just right.
I feel sort of like my life is a playbook and, while I'm in it, I'm just slightly off the mark.
Again, maybe this is a normal life crisis, maybe everyone feels this way. I'm not everyone. I'm me. And I know I feel this way.
I watch the people around me and I see them struggling too. I see too many people in the same tenuous, confusing situations and relationships, and I think that maybe, just maybe, they get it. But I also see a lot of them dealing with said situations in ways that seem better - or at least more manageable than they are for me - and I wonder.
I haven't even had my Pinot tonight and look at me waxing philosophical like a sorry self-pitying horse's ass. SIGH.
I don't know. I keep waiting for that "A HA!" moment - the moment where not only will I know who I am - hell, I know who I am, I've had THAT moment - but where I'll be happy WHERE I am.
On a light-hearted unrelated note...my boys were out on a hubby family visit after school/work today, so I of course just HAD to make a stop on my way home at Kohl's. Little did I know they were running one hell of a sale, so I came out of there for around $100 with several sweaters, a new purse, and one kick-ass pencil skirts. SIDE NOTE - Why are pencil skirts so ellusive? I love them. I have a big butt and a small waist. Crap. Those things were made for me. Yet for reasons I do not understand, they are far less prevalent than tulip skirts, which I hate with every single ounce of energy I possess. The only damn place that seems to carry them regularly is Banana Republic Outlet, and even then, I have to wait for them to go on clearance - that place is pricey.
I was happy with my purchases although there were several pairs of Candie's platforms that I would have liked to buy...but I just can't justify bright blue 3.5 inch platforms, no matter how much I'd like to.
LOL.
On another unrelated note - Hub is asleep and I am not watching TV, but it's on. "I Love the 90s - 1991" - the year of my high school graduation. They just featured the song "Rico Suave", which reminded me that as much as that song sucked in 1991, it sucks significantly more now. Between the shitty music and the lingering big ass hair, what the hell were we thinking???
Today was a great example of how calling a doctor and making an appointment will cure you of what ails you. This happens to me so often that I'm beginning to wonder if I need to be properly treated for hypochondria.
For the last almost 2 weeks, on and off - my friggin jaw has been hurting - and by hurting I mean pain that radiated back to the joint, up the back of my ear, across my ear, and at points into my cheek. It was on and off but sufficiently bad enough that I went to the dentist late last week thinking I had a cavity. I don't. However, my dentist had me move my jaw a bit and said "WOAH", which I took as a very bad sign. He went on to tell me that I have "a pretty bad case of TMJ" - fabulous - and took a mold for a nightguard that I've needed for oh...20 years now...maybe more. He said that was the cause of the pain and voila, yelled at me for not coming in for 18 months and sent me on my way.
For a few days, the pain was much less pointed...until Monday now and back it came. Advil was barely touching it - although I found that Tylenol plus Pinot Grigio was helping - alas, not appropriate for work hours. ;-) By yesterday morning, I was over it. I figured I needed to get into my doctor to get some painkillers or have my jaw broken and reset or something. LOL.
Oddly, this is not a sufficient medical issue to warrant a same day appointment and, despite their insistence, I was not going in at 1:45pm today (REALLY???). I took the 4pm appointment and breathed.
And what do you know. As the day progressed, the pain lessened...and kept lessening so last night was Tylenol (although not Pinot)-free.
Same today.
So I cancelled my appointment.
My problem now - how long until it comes back? Ah...Andrea...such a pessimist.
We'll see. I hope it's gone for a while. Today was not exactly a banner day. Busy - understatement - at work, with some over email (of course) personal life issues going on - nothing hugely serious but the same old thing just the same.
I've been in a bit of funk lately, which is part of the reason for said issues and for my lack of appearance here. As I mentioned the other night - I'm not exactly sure I can put my finger on the problem.
I feel tired.
I feel old (UGH! Love birthday time of year...)
I feel worn down.
I feel taken for granted.
I feel second, like I am not really a priority.
I feel this sense of wonder about how people do it - maintain relationships, love, be loved back...how they risk it...how they throw themselves into it and time it just right.
I feel sort of like my life is a playbook and, while I'm in it, I'm just slightly off the mark.
Again, maybe this is a normal life crisis, maybe everyone feels this way. I'm not everyone. I'm me. And I know I feel this way.
I watch the people around me and I see them struggling too. I see too many people in the same tenuous, confusing situations and relationships, and I think that maybe, just maybe, they get it. But I also see a lot of them dealing with said situations in ways that seem better - or at least more manageable than they are for me - and I wonder.
I haven't even had my Pinot tonight and look at me waxing philosophical like a sorry self-pitying horse's ass. SIGH.
I don't know. I keep waiting for that "A HA!" moment - the moment where not only will I know who I am - hell, I know who I am, I've had THAT moment - but where I'll be happy WHERE I am.
On a light-hearted unrelated note...my boys were out on a hubby family visit after school/work today, so I of course just HAD to make a stop on my way home at Kohl's. Little did I know they were running one hell of a sale, so I came out of there for around $100 with several sweaters, a new purse, and one kick-ass pencil skirts. SIDE NOTE - Why are pencil skirts so ellusive? I love them. I have a big butt and a small waist. Crap. Those things were made for me. Yet for reasons I do not understand, they are far less prevalent than tulip skirts, which I hate with every single ounce of energy I possess. The only damn place that seems to carry them regularly is Banana Republic Outlet, and even then, I have to wait for them to go on clearance - that place is pricey.
I was happy with my purchases although there were several pairs of Candie's platforms that I would have liked to buy...but I just can't justify bright blue 3.5 inch platforms, no matter how much I'd like to.
LOL.
On another unrelated note - Hub is asleep and I am not watching TV, but it's on. "I Love the 90s - 1991" - the year of my high school graduation. They just featured the song "Rico Suave", which reminded me that as much as that song sucked in 1991, it sucks significantly more now. Between the shitty music and the lingering big ass hair, what the hell were we thinking???
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