in my own skin

*** Introspective post - warning ***

There haven't been a lot of times in my life when I was entirely comfortable in my own skin. People who know me in a peripheral way might not believe that, but people who know me well know this with absolute certainty. That self-confidence you have as a little kid, that utter belief that the world revolves around you, everyone loves you, and you can do no wrong, that everyone thinks you're great...mine was broken when I was 7 years old - and then again when I was 10. And then I sunk into this period where I lacked self-confidence and it showed - in many many different ways.

It took me graduating from high school and then reinventing myself in college to regain a little of that self-confidence and, even then, it was different. Gone was the child-like innocence of it all. There was reality behind it. But I was able to find a way to identify myself positively. I was smart - not because my parents told me I was, but because I was...not at everything, but I was good at my major and bilingual and, hey, that was pretty cool to discover. I was good at school. I also found that I was able to find a small group of people in which I was loved - for my nerdiness and my quirkiness and just who I was.

As I left school, my self-confidence waned a bit - I had a very low point in my relationship, which then ended for a while, and it just wasn't a good time.

Over the years, things got better, than worse. I think that must be the natural progression of this among people who are not naturally self-confident. Having a child was hard, because I was scared and unsure of myself (oh and the year-long PPD didn't really help). As G got older, that got better too. Don't get me wrong, I am not exactly a confident parent! I don't think parenting comes all that naturally to me. But I feel like I try hard and do my best, and I think I've mostly gotten into a groove with it.

So in the last couple of years, I felt like I hit a decent stride over all. Parenting was getting easier, I was feeling successful at work, and I established a decent set of friends.

And now this. In the last few months, things have shaken out from under me. It seems silly - it's high school-like bullshit. But it's just gotten to me.

I don't understand why, at the ripe old age of 36, I am being subjected to a situation where someone is being catty and bitchy about me and towards me. I haven't done a damn thing to this person AT ALL.

What I've done is be me.

And for that, I've gotten hurt. I feel a bit betrayed by a couple of people I viewed (view) as friends.

I don't know who to trust. It's gotten to the point now where there is this undercurrent of paranoia. The person who has an issue with me is someone I have to interact with me regularly. This person has a LOT of friends and, come to find out, is feared by many of them.

And this person is being downright nasty towards me.

Again - because of who I am. Because of who I've chosen as friends and how I conduct myself - which I don't think is half bad.

This person has caused a rift in one of my friendships and has made me wonder who I can trust, because I know damn well that not only has this person said nasty, catty and vindictive things behind my back - but so has some of this person's friends - people I trusted and viewed as my own friends.

Frankly, this has shattered me.

I know, I know - shouldn't be a big deal, right?

Except 5 days a week, I have to go into an environment where I wonder what this person said about me. I have to wonder how this person spun her issue with me towards my friends. I have to try to repair an old friendship where some trust has been lost.

It's exhausting. It's frustrating. And it's killed my confidence.

This person put a target on my back just because of WHO I AM.

Now in a logical frame of mind I should (and do) think to myself "So what? Who is this person to you? Why do you care what she thinks? You have people in your life who care about you and who value you for who you are. Why should this person matter?"

And I believe that and agree with that.

Except for these relationships she'd fucked with.

I guess I just don't get it. I feel isolated and a little persecuted - and frustrated and hurt and sad. I feel like my being - who I am - is the cause of this. And it makes me just wonder what's wrong with me.

I know it's partly self-pity, because I am sad and hurt - but it's beyond that. And it sucks.

So now I have to try to work through it. Wish me luck. Today was a shitty day. I hope tomorrow is better. Hence my writing here. Maybe if I get it out - cry it out, write it out - I can get through it. I don't have a prayer as to how to do it any other way. I can't confront this person. I can't figure out how to trust these friends of mine again yet (although I want to). I'm floundering. I need to find a solution.