Just once I'd like to be second

I've read plenty of books about birth order - and most of them resonate with me.  You see, I'm a first born and, what's more, there's a sizeable gap (3.5 years) between me and my brother.  I was an only child for a good long while (what with onlies and eldests being so similar).  I am like a walking textbook - sort of - of an eldest child.

You know what I mean?

I am the good girl.
I am the kid that was the good example, that did things in the right order - finished high school, college, grad school, good job, marriage, kid.
My siblings took divergent paths.  And I don't begrudge them for that.  In fact, in a way, I'm a bit jealous that they dared to take the road less traveled, so to speak.

Don't get me wrong - I have had my share of intrigue, mystery, lapses, and downright missteps in taking the "right" path.  I'm not so sure following that straight road was the right decision for me all the time.  In fact, I know it wasn't.

But here I am.  I'm rapidly approaching my 38th birthday.  I have a great - albeit challenging - kid and a marriage that is, well, not exactly stellar, but now 12+ years old somehow.  Pick a big life event - I've done it.

So as the oldest - I've done it.  This means that I have somehow set the bar, and somehow - YEAH RIGHT - become the expert, the go-to girl.

I love that my siblings look up to me.  I love that they regard me as someone who knows what she's doing - although clearly, I don't.  I am in awe that they look at me in that light.

But it is OVERWHELMING to me.  I've had one marriage that I'm not exactly great at.  I have one kid who I have clearly fucked up in a mild sense over the last 9+ years.  I'm still fucking him up and now that he's taken the big leap into the 'tween years, I have a whole new set of challenges - body parts changing, weird smells, strange relationship challenges with girls - the list goes on and on and the fact is, I don't have a hope for a clue how to navigate it.  Luckily, I have friends with like-aged children, so we mutually vent, compare notes, and giggle over our general level of cluelessness.

The fact is, I'm not expert.  I have my own child and husband-related oddities and confusions to deal with.  I don't really have someone to go to, to ask what to do because my over-achieving, verbally gifted 9 year old was crushed when he "only" got a 91 on his first language arts test of 4th grade.  I was equally crushed by such things as a kid and I don't know how to help him.  I didn't know how to breastfeed him when he wouldn't latch due to my uber-flat nipples, and I didn't know why 1-2-3 Magic didn't seem to work for him.

I can make suggestions and I can try to be helpful, but I feel grossly inadequate and, what's worse, it just adds to my sense of overwhelmedness.  And makes me feel like a suck-ass "good example".

SIGH.  Perfectionism sucks.  Curses, you crazy personality traits that come with being the first-born!