is lonely a new theme?

I was overcome with a sense of loneliness again today.  It hit my like a sharp wind you didn't hear until it blew your hair across your face and in your ear.  I wasn't doing anything special - in fact, I was at work, surrounded by people, running down the hall to do something last minute before I got the hell out of there.

I felt almost punched by it.  But there it was.  I realized in that instant that I wasn't really the cranky I'd told people I was all day.  I was deeply, sadly, horribly lonely.

And I thought, in that instance, that there wasn't any one reason for it.  There for millions - little things like a hurtful snip made at my yesterday; big things like confusing and complicated relationships; insurmountable things like a problem that isn't going away and doesn't appear to be fixable.

I need to address this loneliness, though, because it feels so incredibly isolating.  As lonely as I feel, I only sometimes desire company.  In that moment, when I realized how lonely I was, I didn't want to go talk to my collegue about this 11th hour crap we needed to finish.  I didn't want to go home to the kid I love so much.  I didn't want to meet a friend for drinks.

I wanted to sit in my car and BE lonely.  And cry a little and wonder where the hell I'm going.  How I'm going to fix this.