After a brief hiatus, the mean girls are back.
I was picked on as a kid. I started off in the small town "popular" crowd until a falling out with the ring leader in the second grade. From then on, I was a fringe kind of a girl. I went through a period of horrible teasing between fourth and seventh grade no thank to my particularly cruel fourth grade teacher, who coined an unpleasant nickname for me. The teasing finally subsided after that, and I found my groove as a reluctant quasi-leader of the oddballs, a collection of jocks and artsy types who rallied against the popular clique and - although I can only speak for myself - especially some high quality teenage angst wondering why we were so - well - perceived as so weird.
But luckily, I managed to avoid any cruelty thrust upon me. In retrospect, I think my isolation was a little self-imposed, and I survived relatively unscathed.
College was a breeze - there, I wasn't actually THAT nerdy (ah, the benefits of attending an Ivy League college) and I reinvented myself as a more self-confident version of that weird kid from high school.
I thought my days of worrying about bitches and bullies was long since past me by the time I hit my 30s.
I was wrong.
I've been dealing with a bully for the last - oh almost 18 months now. The reasons she's bullying me are, quite frankly, ridiculous childish crap. I understand that she has her own motivations and that perhaps, in her head, they allow her to rationalize what she's doing but the bottom line is - she's just a mean, nasty, and vindictive person.
The bullying actually started, really, 2+ years ago now, but it was so subtle that I just kind of let it go, assuming that she was reacting to me as many people do. Because I can be a bit shy at first, and because I'm allegedly smart and don't hide my smartness (whatever THAT means), I know a lot of people assume I'm a snob (I don't think I am). I find that because of that, I occasionally have people react to me in a standoffish way. So...I figured that was the issue.
Then the nastiness started. There were dirty looks and - well - sounds in the hall. Grunts. Pretty, right? But I have no patience for this shit, nor do I have the luxury of time or energy to deal with it. So I took the path of ignoring it. I figured it would go away, it was a bunch of ridiculous bullshit anyway.
It didn't, at least not for a while. It got worse, there were acts towards me that reeked of an intimidation attempt. Problem is, I'm not an awkward nerdy 14 year old anymore. She wasn't going to win. My path of least resistance, of ignoring that shit, continued.
Eventually, it worked - a little. Things seemed to calm down enough to where it was manageable. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to be able to walk to the bathroom without a dirty mushface look - but again, it isn't worth me going after her, even dealing with it.
In the last 3 weeks, the effort has revamped. There are now snide comments if I walk past.
Really? I'm 37 years old. I have a career I love and a family that drives me bonkers in a mostly good way. I have a busy, hectic life, and I turned my back on high school in 1991.
So why the hell am I subjected to this shit?
And furthermore...
...what kind of person behaves like that? I realize that I am no angel. I frustrate people and I've been told I intimidate people, and i sure as hell make plenty of mistakes. But as someone who was once teased, as someone who tries to spend the better part of her life being kind and compassionate - I simply can't imagine ever going out of my way to be cruel to someone.
I think that's the part that gets me the most. I've never done a damn thing to this person. At all. In fact, I've gone through periods of time where I've been pleasant to her.
And yet she goes out of her way to be nasty to me. And based on our latest interaction - she's quite proud of herself and gets some sort of pleasure in it.
Not only does that hurt me - it cuts me deeply and plagues me with my own self-doubt. that's the worst of it. I can't help but wonder if maybe i'm not as great as maybe I think I am. Maybe I am a bitch, maybe I am cold or snobby. Maybe I should look inside myself - maybe these names she's calling me are right on.
Thanks, mean girl, for rupturing what little self-esteem I have sometimes. I hope someday karma bites you in your flat ass. In the meantime, you've managed to shake me - so I guess you've won. I wish you and your gaggle of brainless followers would just leave me alone. At the end of the day, I really haven't done anything to you. I realize why you're mad, in your catty and nasty way - but none of that was me, and all of it is ancient history.
So please, let me be.
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