"Mom - can we talk..."

"...I'm having bad, scary thoughts."

Said by my almost 9 year old at bedtime tonight.

I agreed to go in his room and lay with him before bed, something I don't do too often.  He seemed stressed and worried.  Now, Hubby and I had had a bit of an argument earlier in the evening, something G hates (and rightly so - we try to not do that - check that, I try not to do that, Hubby would never argue if he could avoid it...).  But it had been a quick raised voice conversation that was over quickly, and G heard us apologize to each other.  I assumed, however, that that was the issue.

Turns out it wasn't.

"Mom, I have been having bad thoughts all day.  I started thinking about dying.  And I've decided - I'm afraid of dying."

Aren't we all?

How the hell do I answer that concern? 

I went with the "honesty is the best policy" concept.

"G - you know, I'm afraid of dying too.  I think almost everyone is.  When I was a kid, I used to scare myself by thinking about dying.  It's one of those things that's scary and that you know will someday happen.  My best advice to you is to try to believe that it won't happen for a very very long time - and in the meantime, don't think about it.  If the idea does pop into your head, try to go to your happy place.  It's hard and it's scary, but if you think about it too much, it's worse."

"Thanks Mom.  I hope I don't die for a really really long time."

He then snuggled up in my armpit and laid there for about 10 minutes.  He seemed very serene when he was done.

Let's hope I did my job as a parent, and did it the right way.

sometimes I just worry

I'm a worrier by nature.
Today was a worrying kind of a day.

I'm worried about my son - such a great, smart, sweet kid who's having a hard time because he's wise beyond his years and yet still not quite 9.

I'm worried about an insurance potential debaucle that is the result of me just trying to do the right damn thing.

I'm concerned about a friend who has been struggling for so so long and really seems to have hit a new, lost low.

I'm worried I'm not the best wife or mom or sister or (especially) daughter I can or should be.

I'm worried I don't work hard enough or do enough.

I'm just - scared.

small town crap

I realize that there are parents out there that can readily arrange their work schedules to arrive at an extracurricular event for their child by 4pm on a Friday afternoon.

I get it.

I'm not one of those parents.  For me to arrive at said event at 4pm "ready to work", I would need to leave my primary employment at 3pm, go home, change, pick up my child, and then arrive.  I realize that I could have used my much-loved PTO time to leave work at 3pm, but with the number of people in my department on vacation this week, that means I would need to ask my counterparts to reschedule meetings (because there is no one to cover for me).

All this so I can SET UP for said extracurricular activity because, despite all the shit we have to sell for the damn thing, our awards event - which by the way, only involves my son helping - is not paid for.  So I have to donate food AND set up AND leave work early?

Sorry - pick 2.  You get my food and you get my help setting up - WHEN I GET THERE.

The stay at home moms and work from home people can get there at 4pm.

And when I'm courteous enough to tell you I cannot get there until 5pm, please do not return email me with a lecture about getting there as soon as I can.

It's my damn life.  It's enough that this is my 2nd Friday in a row I'm sacrificing for this LAST MINUTE - I'll get there when I get there.  You don't even want my kid there at 4pm - I guess I'm supposed to get a sitter, too?

Give me a friggin' break.

shell

I stand in the shadows
A quiet voice
A careful observer
A strong supporter
No matter the reaction
I've watched and waited
As you've become a shell.

Your strength has waivered
Your spirit has been broken
Yet somehow
You plod along
And think that this
Is somehow acceptable.

You deserve it.
You've done wrong
So kick you, kick you, kick you
Hurt you
Remind you of all your faults.
Are you so broken that this
Is how you view yourself?

How have you become this shell?
This hollow remainder
Of the vibrant person you once were?
I know that glow is hidden
Inside those shell walls.

You are amazing
You are special and talented
Smart, funny, and well-intentioned
You are important and valued
And you can be loved
And give that same in return.

Your heart yearns to love
And to be loved
To care
And do the right thing.
But instead
Because of your past
You sit still
And take your bitter medicine
To you, that's all there is
Or will be.

Your shell should be filled.
Look around you.
Check those halls
Those dark shadows off to the side.
The people who linger there
Are the people who value you most.
They will guide you
Shine a light into the darkness
That has enveloped you.
They will show you the way.

Save yourself
Embrace the person you truly are
Not the person you think you should be.
Your misguided sense of filling a role
And accomplishing something so important to you
Has driven you to lose
Who you are, what you truly want
And most importantly - who you could be.

Before those people in the shadows
Give up on loving you
Because it's been so long since you could see
Let their light shine upon you
Let their love set you free.
Embrace the reality that you are loved
That you can be loved
That you deserve love.

When that love comes
When you let it in.
You will be freed.
You will be you, finally, again.
The rest will fall into place
And all that angst, all that sadness
The self-loathing and pain
Will disappear.

day off malaise

Thank you former presidents for letting me have today off.  As it turns out, no thanks to the never ending stream of snow days we had in the last 6 weeks, I got to have the day off sans child (and sans Hubby).  It was nice although largely unproductive less some online shopping for 2 bridal showers and some TV watching.  I always  feel some sense of regret at the end of a kidless day off that I didn't get enough done.  Silly, right?

In other news, my good sleeper since he was 6 weeks old and then retrained at 11 months old child has been having a hell of a time settling down for the last couple of weeks.  Again I blame the snow days.  It doesn't happen every night, but 1-3 nights per week, he can't seem to fall asleep for nearly an hour after he goes to bed.  I'd never know but he comes out of his room whining about said issue, often trying to convince me to lay with him (that's new).  After 2 sessions of laying down with him = mom falling asleep and being crunched in small bed with very large child for hours - I've given that up.

Now, the problem is, he knows he's tired and knows he needs sleep, so he does that thing some of us adults do.  He looks at the clock and gets stressed that he isn't asleep.  Of course, in his always supportive way, Hubby blames me for this because (a) I worry a lot more about G's sleep than he does (probably because I have to get G up every morning and I get every "We need to talk to you about G's behavior" call) and (b) I sleep like complete crap almost every day.

I know it's a phase and I know it will pass, but I will say this - it's one of those firm reminders of why I have 1 child, why I can only have 1 child and why, no matter what my mother says, I am too old and too far removed from babyland to ever have another kid.

Phew.

coupla new projects

I think I've been remiss in posting my latest projects - so here goes.

The first is sock 1 in a pair of socks for Little Man.  The second will be knit eventually.

The second is a scarf for a guy friend at work.  I always enjoy the opportunity to knit for friends.  Something fun about giving someone a little something you made with your own two hands.

take those hearts and blow them out your...

Valentine's Day - the ultimate Hallmark holiday.

I just got through reading my day's worth of status updates on Facebook and found myself irritated by all those people and their stupid "Happy Valentine's Day" statuses.  I mean, not for nothing, but do you really need the card manufacturers of the world to tell you when to love your loved one?  Can't you just love them every day?  I have to say that a beautiful bouquet of NOT RED NOT ROSES flowers on a random Wednesday would mean a hell of a lot more to me than some stupid cliche on Valentine's Day.  Give me a friggin' break - not that I get either of those things (I don't) - but the latter would be more meaningful.

I realize I am bitter and cranky so pardon me.  I needed to have my small paragraph of venting and now I"m done.

The last week has been, well, weird.  I am not sure, at this point, whether I'm up or down.  After weeks of confusion and chaos, something snapped late last week - sort of.  Needless to say - I'm still confused.  In some way, I'm MORE confused.  I know now that some of the anger is gone but...well...I need to sort this all out.  Time. 

For now, screw you stupid Valentine's Day.

Wednesday and it's not snowing

It's hard to believe, but it's a Wednesday in 2011 in CT, and it isn't snowing.  This may be the first one this year.  lol.  In all seriousness, this is the first week since the start of the year where it seems likely that we will have a full 5 day week - both work and school.

Of course, I feel like I'm falling apart.  I burnt my tongue last Wednesday on very VERY hot tea and so now I have cat-like sandpaper tongue.  It's very annoying.  My hands hurt from chopping ice on Sunday.  My skin is a mess and I am all hormonal.

Work is so crazy busy I can't think straight, let alone actually get anything done between my endless meetings.  Everyone in my department is stressed and moody.  It's review time and my review was fine - too boring vanilla generic same shit different year fine.  And I got no raise due to a 'snafu' - bullshit but whatever.  Supposedly 2011 will (finally) be the year that I get the long-promised upward movement...but I have to take a lot of ownership for that.  I will probably spend my kid-free Saturday doing the first chunk of work I need to do with that.  This is MY career, my life - I need to own it.

And on top of everything else...I'm just sad.  Very sad.

And I'll leave it at that.  I'm working through something, I'm being stubborn and pig-headed and emotional.  I know I'll get through and I hope things will turn around but right now - I guess I'm wallowing.

thank you...

...David Gray for often getting it just right.  These lyrics are from "Lullaby" off of "Flesh", an album I apparently should listen to more often:

All these useless emotions

Churning round
As I search these bare walls for a clue
And all the time
The truth is flashing in my mind
That when a heart gets broken
There's nothing you can do

-------

Sometimes, you know exactly what's going on, exactly what's going to happen, and exactly how much it will hurt -- and even though you know, you don't or can't stop it, and until it slaps you in the face, you try to pretend it's not there.

Sucks.

anger, frustration, and doing the right thing

 “Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

An incredibly strong friend of mine, a person I've never met but have known since our boys were babies, posted this quote on Facebook the other night.

Then another friend of ours posted:

“Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten.” - Buddha


---------------------------
I love both of these quotes, and both fit quite well into my life right now.
 
I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it here, but I sometimes refer to my personality as the ultimate Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.  Right now, this bipolar act of myself is beating the hell out of itself.
 
One part of my personality has this drive to do the right thing, respect people's space and wishes, and follow rules.  This part of my personality is the reason I was a good student (well, that plus some good genetics), considered a responsible child and young adult, and is likely a strong contributing factor in how I have turned out now that I am nearly middle-aged - why I married who I did, when I did, had a child when I did, all of it.  There are moments in my life when I really like this part of my personality, because there's something empowering about being considered reponsible.
 
But sometimes I hate this part of me - like now.  I hate it because I feel like it puts me in a situation where I'm a doormat.  "Oh don't worry, Andrea won't rock the boat."  "I have a problem, and Andrea will help."  "Andrea will deal with the fact that I neglected to tell her that she max'd out in her current salary range until right now, when I was presenting her with her raise - which is $0."  "Andrea will understand why I can't talk to her for a while."
 
ARGH.
 
The other part of my personality is very stubborn, with a bit of a bad girl streak.  OH I am not "BAD" in the traditional sense of the word by any means (see the first personality trait), but sometimes I want to be.  I don't like the idea that I can't do what I want or that I can't control my life or my destiny or my relationships. 
 
So here I sit in this weird place in my life where I really need to do the right thing.  I need to be patient and kind and think a lot less about myself and a lot more about the well-being of someone I care for deeply.
 
But while I know it's the right thing to do, and I (have to) believe that if I give this person space and time and love from afar, that things will turn out better between us and for this person...I do not want to do it.  Because it hurts.  Because it's scary.  Because it makes me feel lonely and isolated and sad and very very afraid.
 
So what am I doing?  I'm SUCKING at it.  SO on top of everything else, I feel like a damn failure.  I feel like I'm floundering and screwing up left and right.  I'm trying to be a good supportive friend and I'm not doing it right because it doesn't feel right - which is so incredible selfish.
 
And I feel lost in the shuffle - because the reality is, I'm not sure my feelings matter - because I'm good old reliable Andrea - I'll do the right thing, I'll tough it out, I'll survive.
 
Great.

mortar and bricks

That wall I've built
of mortar and bricks, thick cement
strong and tall.
It insulates me.
I won't feel hurt
if I don't let people in.
Standing behind that wall
is lonely and isolating
but it's incredibly safe.

It takes a strong person
to climb or crush that wall.
And it isn't a task for the weak of spirt or heart.
I'm apt to rebuild it
Stubbornly, easily, and repeatedly.

Exposing myself to anyone who might think to care
Opens me up to the hurt that I know
Will ultimately, eventually, inevitably
be inflicted upon me
Purposely, accidentally, without cause, with intent,
It doesn't matter.

That wall frustrates people who love me
And rightly so of course.
Who wants to love someone
Surrounded by a wall?

When I learn to love back
When my fear dissipates enough for me to breathe
Without thinking
I can pull the wall down
At least a little.
Sometimes you can only see over it
But stepping over it is a challenge.

It's an amazing and special person
A person who I trust and who fits into my life
Like one of those puzzle pieces
Once lost behind the couch or on the floor
Or in the bottom of the box
Who pulls that wall down.

I think those people I love so
Are a bit wounded by their time
Tearing down the wall.
I realize that now, only after the fact
Only after I've seen the damage
That long road of work has done
How it's taken its toll on them.

The irony doesn't fail me.
Here I am, and I've let into my own little space
My safe haven
The ones I love the most.
And by the time I let them in
The wounds I've inflicted may be irreparable.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my fear, my past hurts
Have unleashed this wall
And pushed you back for a while.
I know that means that by the time our love
Has built
It's already broken.

I know I've done wrong by being
So protective of myself
The ultimate act of selfishness.

Yet somehow, I prove myself correct
When I do just that.
Because often those same people I let in
Are so hurt by my walls
My unwillingness to truly share myself
That they leave.

For those I've let in, who have left.
I miss you.
I wanted you here.
And I'm sorry, sorry I realized
Too late
How lonely this space behind my wall is.
How the mortar and bricks
Can never replace the true, unfettered, unasked for love
A love I didn't tend to
Until it was too late.