“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
An incredibly strong friend of mine, a person I've never met but have known since our boys were babies, posted this quote on Facebook the other night.
Then another friend of ours posted:
“Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten.” - Buddha
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I love both of these quotes, and both fit quite well into my life right now.
I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it here, but I sometimes refer to my personality as the ultimate Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Right now, this bipolar act of myself is beating the hell out of itself.
One part of my personality has this drive to do the right thing, respect people's space and wishes, and follow rules. This part of my personality is the reason I was a good student (well, that plus some good genetics), considered a responsible child and young adult, and is likely a strong contributing factor in how I have turned out now that I am nearly middle-aged - why I married who I did, when I did, had a child when I did, all of it. There are moments in my life when I really like this part of my personality, because there's something empowering about being considered reponsible.
But sometimes I hate this part of me - like now. I hate it because I feel like it puts me in a situation where I'm a doormat. "Oh don't worry, Andrea won't rock the boat." "I have a problem, and Andrea will help." "Andrea will deal with the fact that I neglected to tell her that she max'd out in her current salary range until right now, when I was presenting her with her raise - which is $0." "Andrea will understand why I can't talk to her for a while."
ARGH.
The other part of my personality is very stubborn, with a bit of a bad girl streak. OH I am not "BAD" in the traditional sense of the word by any means (see the first personality trait), but sometimes I want to be. I don't like the idea that I can't do what I want or that I can't control my life or my destiny or my relationships.
So here I sit in this weird place in my life where I really need to do the right thing. I need to be patient and kind and think a lot less about myself and a lot more about the well-being of someone I care for deeply.
But while I know it's the right thing to do, and I (have to) believe that if I give this person space and time and love from afar, that things will turn out better between us and for this person...I do not want to do it. Because it hurts. Because it's scary. Because it makes me feel lonely and isolated and sad and very very afraid.
So what am I doing? I'm SUCKING at it. SO on top of everything else, I feel like a damn failure. I feel like I'm floundering and screwing up left and right. I'm trying to be a good supportive friend and I'm not doing it right because it doesn't feel right - which is so incredible selfish.
And I feel lost in the shuffle - because the reality is, I'm not sure my feelings matter - because I'm good old reliable Andrea - I'll do the right thing, I'll tough it out, I'll survive.
Great.
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