mortar and bricks

That wall I've built
of mortar and bricks, thick cement
strong and tall.
It insulates me.
I won't feel hurt
if I don't let people in.
Standing behind that wall
is lonely and isolating
but it's incredibly safe.

It takes a strong person
to climb or crush that wall.
And it isn't a task for the weak of spirt or heart.
I'm apt to rebuild it
Stubbornly, easily, and repeatedly.

Exposing myself to anyone who might think to care
Opens me up to the hurt that I know
Will ultimately, eventually, inevitably
be inflicted upon me
Purposely, accidentally, without cause, with intent,
It doesn't matter.

That wall frustrates people who love me
And rightly so of course.
Who wants to love someone
Surrounded by a wall?

When I learn to love back
When my fear dissipates enough for me to breathe
Without thinking
I can pull the wall down
At least a little.
Sometimes you can only see over it
But stepping over it is a challenge.

It's an amazing and special person
A person who I trust and who fits into my life
Like one of those puzzle pieces
Once lost behind the couch or on the floor
Or in the bottom of the box
Who pulls that wall down.

I think those people I love so
Are a bit wounded by their time
Tearing down the wall.
I realize that now, only after the fact
Only after I've seen the damage
That long road of work has done
How it's taken its toll on them.

The irony doesn't fail me.
Here I am, and I've let into my own little space
My safe haven
The ones I love the most.
And by the time I let them in
The wounds I've inflicted may be irreparable.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my fear, my past hurts
Have unleashed this wall
And pushed you back for a while.
I know that means that by the time our love
Has built
It's already broken.

I know I've done wrong by being
So protective of myself
The ultimate act of selfishness.

Yet somehow, I prove myself correct
When I do just that.
Because often those same people I let in
Are so hurt by my walls
My unwillingness to truly share myself
That they leave.

For those I've let in, who have left.
I miss you.
I wanted you here.
And I'm sorry, sorry I realized
Too late
How lonely this space behind my wall is.
How the mortar and bricks
Can never replace the true, unfettered, unasked for love
A love I didn't tend to
Until it was too late.