One of Hubby's other cousins posted some of her photos from the wedding we went to last Sunday and, much to my dismay and horror, my face looks way too round and double-chinned in a few of them. I have not been thrilled with my body lately. I am not a stress eater with 1 noteable exception. When I am sad, I eat chocolate like nobody's business. Since I have been quite sad since early January, I have ingested far too much chocolate - sometimes handfuls a day. And it shows. My pants are a bit snug and now apparently my face is showing it too.
So I must and I mean MUST get myself and my act together. Enough of this eating like crap. Hubby doesn't eat like crap. G doesn't eat like crap. I'm not half as bad as many people but my days of being able to eat whatever I want and not gain a couple of pounds are OVER.
I need to try to wrestle out that gym time a couple of days a week (I've been better lately except this week - but not consistently enough). And I need to get outside on the weekends and MOVE. C'mon weather, enough with these winds and rains and general lousy New England non-spring.
Ugh. I know I am in better shape than the average bear and at my size, am in no way overweight. But I'm not happy and with my history of anorexia, I better get my act together before I do something stupid. I skipped lunch twice this week - I'm rapidly marching towards that road of stupidity and danger.
UGH. UGH.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
chipped granite
Before you bounded into my life
A free spirt full of energy and vigor, ready to live
I'd carved a little life out for myself
chipped it out of a hard slab of granite.
It was roughly hewn and I wasn't entirely
Satisfied with how it had turned out
But the granite was so hard
I had assumed that what I'd chipped and shaped
Was the way that it would always be
Yes there would be a pebble that crumbled off occasionally
A change in direction, a slight bend in the road
But that life I'd sculpted
It would never be substantially different
From that chipped slab of granite.
You came into my life like an explosion
A stick of dynamite that did far more
Than chip that life I'd carved
Within moments, that scultputre was dramatically
Reshaped
I was unable to stand back early on and examine
How the shape had morphed into something
Similar, but yet decidedly better, yet less clear.
It would take time before the excitement and chaos
Of your explosion into my life
Revealed itself to my heart and soul - and my mind.
It's been many years since your initial stumble, tumble
Screeching run into this staid and solid life
I had chiseled out for myself
Since you took that benign sculpture
And guided my hand to make it quirky, softer
More complete
It was only after the proverbial dust settled
After I acclimated myself to you being there in some form
Leading me to approach life ever so slightly differently
Look at it from a unique angle
And picture it not around me, but for me, as a part of me
That I realized the impact you had had, and would always have
How much you changed that simple little sculpture
Into a piece that so much more accurately reflected me.
Now as suddenly as you burst into my life
And changed and chipped that rock hard granite
You've changed your own sculpture
In the end, my hand brought those changes
Though I did not guide them but instead inadvertently forced them
I truly hope I chipped a little here and there, too - made things smoother
Or clearer, or more shiny
But maybe I'll never know that for sure.
And now, now, you're gone.
Or mostly gone.
You certainly are not over my shoulder
Wanting to help shape that sculpture, guide that chisel.
I look at the chunk of granite that is my life
And these years have taught me that
This chisel in my hand is really mine to guide
But without you here to show me who I am
Remind me that I can do this
I don't know how.
A free spirt full of energy and vigor, ready to live
I'd carved a little life out for myself
chipped it out of a hard slab of granite.
It was roughly hewn and I wasn't entirely
Satisfied with how it had turned out
But the granite was so hard
I had assumed that what I'd chipped and shaped
Was the way that it would always be
Yes there would be a pebble that crumbled off occasionally
A change in direction, a slight bend in the road
But that life I'd sculpted
It would never be substantially different
From that chipped slab of granite.
You came into my life like an explosion
A stick of dynamite that did far more
Than chip that life I'd carved
Within moments, that scultputre was dramatically
Reshaped
I was unable to stand back early on and examine
How the shape had morphed into something
Similar, but yet decidedly better, yet less clear.
It would take time before the excitement and chaos
Of your explosion into my life
Revealed itself to my heart and soul - and my mind.
It's been many years since your initial stumble, tumble
Screeching run into this staid and solid life
I had chiseled out for myself
Since you took that benign sculpture
And guided my hand to make it quirky, softer
More complete
It was only after the proverbial dust settled
After I acclimated myself to you being there in some form
Leading me to approach life ever so slightly differently
Look at it from a unique angle
And picture it not around me, but for me, as a part of me
That I realized the impact you had had, and would always have
How much you changed that simple little sculpture
Into a piece that so much more accurately reflected me.
Now as suddenly as you burst into my life
And changed and chipped that rock hard granite
You've changed your own sculpture
In the end, my hand brought those changes
Though I did not guide them but instead inadvertently forced them
I truly hope I chipped a little here and there, too - made things smoother
Or clearer, or more shiny
But maybe I'll never know that for sure.
And now, now, you're gone.
Or mostly gone.
You certainly are not over my shoulder
Wanting to help shape that sculpture, guide that chisel.
I look at the chunk of granite that is my life
And these years have taught me that
This chisel in my hand is really mine to guide
But without you here to show me who I am
Remind me that I can do this
I don't know how.
I haven't blogged enough lately...
...and I miss it. I can feel myself getting more and more disjointed and easily frustrated. I need to make time to clear my head more regularly. I feel a little like I have so much nervous energy that I am teetering on the edge of being more creative than usual. Weird, huh?
Check out the 2 shots I snapped at Hubby's cousin's son's (follow that?) wedding on Sunday. These are not at all posed - I had put down my wine and taken my shoes off and had my toes in the sand, trying to collect myself (since I have major anxiety over weddings) and enjoy the peace of the beach. I saw the way the shoes and glass were accidentally laid out and just had to capture it. I love them...
Check out the 2 shots I snapped at Hubby's cousin's son's (follow that?) wedding on Sunday. These are not at all posed - I had put down my wine and taken my shoes off and had my toes in the sand, trying to collect myself (since I have major anxiety over weddings) and enjoy the peace of the beach. I saw the way the shoes and glass were accidentally laid out and just had to capture it. I love them...
Sunday, April 10, 2011
my foot's asleep
Literally, at this moment in time, my foot is asleep. The asleep feeling is migrating up my leg too. I hate that pins and needles feeling, and it drives me batty how long it lingers.
The irony, of course, is that this is the least of my problems, and all of my body parts to go numb, I would prefer it was my heart over anything else right now.
I've written about the concept of a mid-life crisis before, and how I can understand how they happen. I think I've written that as some justification to the way I've been feeling for the last several months. I feel itchy and twitchy and restless and confused. My relationships seem to be unstable and teetering and ready to tumble - my friendships and in some ways my marriage too. I love my job and yet I feel like I'm spinning my wheels unable to crash through the glass ceiling above me. I'm disappointed that my boss "forgot" I hit the maximum in my salary grade until AFTER she'd asked for promotions and raise money, thereby leaving me with no raise this year and no plan on how I'm going to get promoted this year (which I have to do to get a raise) given that I'm working 60 hours a week on a project that doesn't challenge me in any way that is promotion-worthy. I'm overwhelmed by trying to be a good parent, especially because I'm trying to insulate my child from this low point in our marriage.
*** Sidebar. Do not get me wrong. The lack of raise pissed me off, especially given how dedicated I am and how hard I work. But I'm not stupid. I consider myself extremely lucky to be employed. I don't want to sound ungrateful by bitching about my lack of money given how well-employed and well-compensated I am. But it still stung.
So I feel disoriented and confused and completely inadequate. And I don't like it.
I hopefully have a lot of life left to live, and I want to live it happily and fulfilled - and I'm not sure I've positioned myself to do that.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and lately that seems to either get me basically screwed over because I'm "too nice" or when I guard myself, it leads me to being accused of being cold.
I don't feel like I want anything too crazy - just to be loved and cared for and appreciated not for what I do, but who I am - the person I am and can be.
I'm just frustrated and I need to change things - not sure how the hell to do that though.
So for now I'm fixating on my foot - which is finally not asleep - and wondering if I'm making my heart numb in an effort to just insulate myself from life. UGH.
The irony, of course, is that this is the least of my problems, and all of my body parts to go numb, I would prefer it was my heart over anything else right now.
I've written about the concept of a mid-life crisis before, and how I can understand how they happen. I think I've written that as some justification to the way I've been feeling for the last several months. I feel itchy and twitchy and restless and confused. My relationships seem to be unstable and teetering and ready to tumble - my friendships and in some ways my marriage too. I love my job and yet I feel like I'm spinning my wheels unable to crash through the glass ceiling above me. I'm disappointed that my boss "forgot" I hit the maximum in my salary grade until AFTER she'd asked for promotions and raise money, thereby leaving me with no raise this year and no plan on how I'm going to get promoted this year (which I have to do to get a raise) given that I'm working 60 hours a week on a project that doesn't challenge me in any way that is promotion-worthy. I'm overwhelmed by trying to be a good parent, especially because I'm trying to insulate my child from this low point in our marriage.
*** Sidebar. Do not get me wrong. The lack of raise pissed me off, especially given how dedicated I am and how hard I work. But I'm not stupid. I consider myself extremely lucky to be employed. I don't want to sound ungrateful by bitching about my lack of money given how well-employed and well-compensated I am. But it still stung.
So I feel disoriented and confused and completely inadequate. And I don't like it.
I hopefully have a lot of life left to live, and I want to live it happily and fulfilled - and I'm not sure I've positioned myself to do that.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and lately that seems to either get me basically screwed over because I'm "too nice" or when I guard myself, it leads me to being accused of being cold.
I don't feel like I want anything too crazy - just to be loved and cared for and appreciated not for what I do, but who I am - the person I am and can be.
I'm just frustrated and I need to change things - not sure how the hell to do that though.
So for now I'm fixating on my foot - which is finally not asleep - and wondering if I'm making my heart numb in an effort to just insulate myself from life. UGH.
Monday, April 4, 2011
straight in the face
Reality hurts
Reality aches
Reality makes you face decisions and choices
Situations that are difficult, roads you can't bear
To follow.
Reality is real.
Fantasy is an escape, a pleasant trip
Down a road paved with gold
Where it never rains
No one ever cries
Hearts never break.
Find your reality
Choose what you need to be real
And make it real.
Life shouldn't ache all the time
Your mistakes become the fabric of
Who you are
But not the noose on which you must
Continue to hang
Not the whip
With which you must be beaten.
Your life has hit a dip
A low dark point
Tears are shed by many
Hearts ache, break, are crushed.
Yours included.
Do not forget that.
Your feelings are no less important
Than those of the people you
Care for, the people you may have hurt.
You can regret what you did
How you behaved
What you said.
But none of that negates
Your own broken heart.
Your reality is this
It's here
You have decisions to make
Paralysis gets you nowhere
Quickly.
Choose a direction and
Commit to it
Fully.
Remove the guilt
And remember this.
This life is all you have
At the end of your day
You will only have you
Who you are, what you've done
Who you've brought with you
In this journey.
Forgive yourself
The guilt is there and it will never leave
Until you ask for forgiveness
From those you hurt
And yourself.
But that guilt cannot be
The impetus for your future actions.
Look at the why.
Why you did what you did.
What you hoped for
What you wanted
What you yearned for.
Find it.
This is the only life you have.
Running down this road is lonely enough.
Do not purposely choose to keep it
A dark and isolating place
Simply because that feels "right" or "best".
Reality aches
Reality makes you face decisions and choices
Situations that are difficult, roads you can't bear
To follow.
Reality is real.
Fantasy is an escape, a pleasant trip
Down a road paved with gold
Where it never rains
No one ever cries
Hearts never break.
Find your reality
Choose what you need to be real
And make it real.
Life shouldn't ache all the time
Your mistakes become the fabric of
Who you are
But not the noose on which you must
Continue to hang
Not the whip
With which you must be beaten.
Your life has hit a dip
A low dark point
Tears are shed by many
Hearts ache, break, are crushed.
Yours included.
Do not forget that.
Your feelings are no less important
Than those of the people you
Care for, the people you may have hurt.
You can regret what you did
How you behaved
What you said.
But none of that negates
Your own broken heart.
Your reality is this
It's here
You have decisions to make
Paralysis gets you nowhere
Quickly.
Choose a direction and
Commit to it
Fully.
Remove the guilt
And remember this.
This life is all you have
At the end of your day
You will only have you
Who you are, what you've done
Who you've brought with you
In this journey.
Forgive yourself
The guilt is there and it will never leave
Until you ask for forgiveness
From those you hurt
And yourself.
But that guilt cannot be
The impetus for your future actions.
Look at the why.
Why you did what you did.
What you hoped for
What you wanted
What you yearned for.
Find it.
This is the only life you have.
Running down this road is lonely enough.
Do not purposely choose to keep it
A dark and isolating place
Simply because that feels "right" or "best".
along it marches
Today has been another one of those days that's reminded me just how quickly time marches on - and how that reality just sneaks up on you.
If I'm honest, the feeling actually started over the weekend. My sister T and my BIL M came to visit. T just hit 20 weeks pregnant and, while i've known she was expecting for a few months now, this was the first time she was visibly pregnant. It was so weird! We went and did (quite a lot of) baby shopping on Saturday and I was reminded that it was 9+ years ago now that I was doing something similar. 9+ years. 10 years in September, right after 9/11, I found out I was having G. Crazy. It seems like just yesterday but then I look at the strapping young man that is my son and it feels like a lifetime ago.
Sunday morning, G had a soccer game, his last indoor game on the combined U9/U10 team. They played in a mixed league and the team they were playing on Sunday was obviously mostly U11. I watched him bravely and tenaciously go up against boys who are 50+ lbs heavier and 6+ inches taller than him (and he isn't small)! He had 2 assists and 3 shots on goal and my normally spazzy kid played focused and hard.
The hits came coming today. G had his very first clarinet lesson tonight. His instructor mistook him for a 5th grader! Then I heard my little man, who's only picked up the clarinet once before tonight, play 2 different songs.
We came home and after dinner we were snuggling when I smelled it. It was light and subtle but I've never noticed it before. Body odor. Not mine (that I've unfortunately smelled plenty - yuck) - G's! My almost 9 year old smelled sweaty - and not that little baby sweaty or toddler sweaty. TWEEN sweaty.
The calendar tells me he's almost 9 and that that is a rapid approach intot he tween years. And I'm not sad that he's growing up. But it's WEIRD. It seems to have happened much much faster than I expected. Especially during those dark, colic, silent reflux baby days when I wasn't sure I'd make it to the next morning.
Friggin' time. When you're a little kid, you wish it away. When you're an adult, you're in a hurry for your next vacation, or the weekend, or a day off. But then things take your break away and make you realize just how quickly time is marching on - and how frightening that can be when you think about it, what it means, where you're marching to.
If I'm honest, the feeling actually started over the weekend. My sister T and my BIL M came to visit. T just hit 20 weeks pregnant and, while i've known she was expecting for a few months now, this was the first time she was visibly pregnant. It was so weird! We went and did (quite a lot of) baby shopping on Saturday and I was reminded that it was 9+ years ago now that I was doing something similar. 9+ years. 10 years in September, right after 9/11, I found out I was having G. Crazy. It seems like just yesterday but then I look at the strapping young man that is my son and it feels like a lifetime ago.
Sunday morning, G had a soccer game, his last indoor game on the combined U9/U10 team. They played in a mixed league and the team they were playing on Sunday was obviously mostly U11. I watched him bravely and tenaciously go up against boys who are 50+ lbs heavier and 6+ inches taller than him (and he isn't small)! He had 2 assists and 3 shots on goal and my normally spazzy kid played focused and hard.
The hits came coming today. G had his very first clarinet lesson tonight. His instructor mistook him for a 5th grader! Then I heard my little man, who's only picked up the clarinet once before tonight, play 2 different songs.
We came home and after dinner we were snuggling when I smelled it. It was light and subtle but I've never noticed it before. Body odor. Not mine (that I've unfortunately smelled plenty - yuck) - G's! My almost 9 year old smelled sweaty - and not that little baby sweaty or toddler sweaty. TWEEN sweaty.
The calendar tells me he's almost 9 and that that is a rapid approach intot he tween years. And I'm not sad that he's growing up. But it's WEIRD. It seems to have happened much much faster than I expected. Especially during those dark, colic, silent reflux baby days when I wasn't sure I'd make it to the next morning.
Friggin' time. When you're a little kid, you wish it away. When you're an adult, you're in a hurry for your next vacation, or the weekend, or a day off. But then things take your break away and make you realize just how quickly time is marching on - and how frightening that can be when you think about it, what it means, where you're marching to.
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