my foot's asleep

Literally, at this moment in time, my foot is asleep.  The asleep feeling is migrating up my leg too.  I hate that pins and needles feeling, and it drives me batty how long it lingers.

The irony, of course, is that this is the least of my problems, and all of my body parts to go numb, I would prefer it was my heart over anything else right now.

I've written about the concept of a mid-life crisis before, and how I can understand how they happen.  I think I've written that as some justification to the way I've been feeling for the last several months.  I feel itchy and twitchy and restless and confused.  My relationships seem to be unstable and teetering and ready to tumble - my friendships and in some ways my marriage too.  I love my job and yet I feel like I'm spinning my wheels unable to crash through the glass ceiling above me.  I'm disappointed that my boss "forgot" I hit the maximum in my salary grade until AFTER she'd asked for promotions and raise money, thereby leaving me with no raise this year and no plan on how I'm going to get promoted this year (which I have to do to get a raise) given that I'm working 60 hours a week on a project that doesn't challenge me in any way that is promotion-worthy.  I'm overwhelmed by trying to be a good parent, especially because I'm trying to insulate my child from this low point in our marriage.

*** Sidebar.  Do not get me wrong.  The lack of raise pissed me off, especially given how dedicated I am and how hard I work.  But I'm not stupid.  I consider myself extremely lucky to be employed.  I don't want to sound ungrateful by bitching about my lack of money given how well-employed and well-compensated I am.  But it still stung.

So I feel disoriented and confused and completely inadequate.  And I don't like it.

I hopefully have a lot of life left to live, and I want to live it happily and fulfilled - and I'm not sure I've positioned myself to do that.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and lately that seems to either get me basically screwed over because I'm "too nice" or when I guard myself, it leads me to being accused of being cold.

I don't feel like I want anything too crazy - just to be loved and cared for and appreciated not for what I do, but who I am - the person I am and can be.

I'm just frustrated and I need to change things - not sure how the hell to do that though.

So for now I'm fixating on my foot - which is finally not asleep - and wondering if I'm making my heart numb in an effort to just insulate myself from life.  UGH.