my child the challenge

I've said in here before - several times - that I don't exactly find motherhood to be something that comes naturally. I never really set out in life to be a mother. Unlike my sister - who by the way has some of the worst baby fever I've ever been first-party to - I didn't grow up wanting to have babies. I wanted to be successful. Babies were something other people had. I did a lot of childcare as a young teen, plus I had 2 younger siblings. Kids confused me. Hell, kids still confuse me.

Life doesn't exactly work out the way you map it. Mine sure didn't. Somehow, despite where I thought I was headed, I fell into the traditional good girl way - go to college, do well, meet a guy, go to grad school, move in with college guy, marry college guy, have kid with college guy. When I mapped out my life in my head at 14, 17, even 20 - this was NOT the plan. I don't regret it - but sometimes, even though I lived it, it surprises the hell out of me.

I got my wonderful G as the result of this path which is why, even if it isn't exactly what I planned and maybe not exactly what I wanted, I cannot and do not regret it.

Having said that, I got one hell of a challenge as a child.

I know I know. Maybe as a Mom I shouldn't say that. Or maybe all parents say that. I have no mode of comparison - I'm way too chickenshit to have another kid!! - all I know is, my child challenges me - my strength, my sanity, my self-confidence.

G is one of those kids who has always and will always march to the beat of a different drummer. In his defense, he does come by it honestly. Hubby is just like this. Conformity is, in Hubby's mind, something that other people do. Not him. And G is just the same way. Now - Hubby says that I have a bit of this myself. As I said in my other post, apparently at least one of my old, good friends views me as complicated. BUT I think in most ways, I'm a boring conformist.

So I can't exactly relate to some of the antics that my child does...and this leads to me being a hideously impatient mother.

G is a good, sweet, tenderhearted child. I have no complaints - despite a (TOO LONG) stage of hitting kids in daycare, he's outgrown this and is generally very gentle and sweet. He's the first kid to run over and comfort a friend who's gotten hurt - physically or emotionally. He's smart and he can sing better than either Hubby or I can, and he just had some of his art put into a town-wide art show. He loves to read and will spend hours aborbing history or science.

But you put him in a crowd and OY. He is a quintessential extrovert (I am an extroverted introvert...). People energize him - not always positively.

I sat at soccer on Saturday and, from the sidelines, tried not to scream. This is typical these days - G loves soccer, wants to be good at soccer, thinks he's good at soccer - and for an hour every Saturday, the soccer field is his stage.

Last week - cartwheels and yoga poses. Yes. During the indoor soccer game.
This week - pinney on his face - while receiving a pass. Refusal to play his position because he wanted to chat with a kid (who he didn't know) on the other team.

My problem is, my brain does not work this way. I can't even conceive what would possess someone to act like that. Oh it makes me insane.

It's tough because when I read it, even knowing what happened - it's giggleworthy. The other parents giggle when they see G do his yoga pose.

I cringe. I only giggle later.

In the broad scheme of things, of all the behavior issues he could have (and a few others that he does have) -- this is minor. It really is. But the older he gets, the more difficult it becomes. When he was 4 or 5, it was cute. Last year, it was tolerable.

This year - not so much. This year, it's aggraving his teammates. His BFF on the team, B, said to him on Saturday "G - we NEED you out there. Come on dude!" G told me this later and said "What does he mean, Mom? Does he not want me to play?"

I said "G....he WANTS you out there to HELP him. But your antics - they don't help anymore."

My problem is as a parent - how the hell do I nuture my child in such a way to embrace his silly, funny, gregarious personality in such a way that I don't squelch who he is, but I do teach him to conform enough to avoid frustration of his peers AND the endless stream of phone calls home?

Kids don't come with a parenting manual. I wish mine had. He is so like me in so many ways but this - this is all Dad. And I'm lost.