I feel like I'm in the eye of a hurricane at the moment. Why? Because it's May, and that means life is our household is a whirling dervish of must-dos, want-to-dos, and have-to-dos. Don't get me wrong, all 3 of us thrive on being busy but DEAR GOD, it's a little bit crazy.
Since the kidlet is passed out and the Hubby is hopefully winning some money at his bi-weekly card game in the basement, I wanted to take a few minutes to add to my random ramblings with - you guessed it - another random rambling.
I have no real agenda for this particular post other than to just write out my thoughts, in no particular order, and not necessarily with any hook.
I am enjoying a nearly empty glass of vino verde. Investigation Discovery is on in the background. Hall & Oates and BeeGees songs bounce through my head, no thanks to the American Idol finale last night (Crystal was robbed!). And there is no one asking me stupid questions or complaining about the new process we implemented at work or asking me if his homework is in his bag or getting confused about which activity is when and reminding me that I control the family calendar. PHEW!
I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other day. We'll call the friend M for ease of typing. M and I were talking about a bad piece of luck - or a series really, that had befallen M. We mused over whether you can be simultaneously unlucky and blessed and, although we often don't agree on much, concluded you certainly can be. Where we disagreed on was whether or not you should dwell on, or even acknowledge, your bad luck if you are, in fact, blessed.
I think you need to acknowledge the good and bad. M is at place where denial works better and thus does not want to see the bad, because it's easier to pretend it's not there - M can then construct the fantasy aspect of life in such a way to believe that it's all sunshine and roses. As a realist (or pessimist as Hubby says - and he's WRONG), I think this is a mistake. Knowing M - who is a good friend - like I do, I know why that's the coping mechanism at the moment - or in the decade (argh), but it makes me a little sad. I fear for the day M wakes up and really sees the big picture - because I know it will hurt. Horribly.
In any event, I see blessings and bad luck in my own life. I used to be a dweller - I would get stuck in a quagmire of self-pity and sadness over my lack of fortune. I am not a horribly unlucky person (thank goodness) but, let's face it, we all have streaks of bad luck. And damnit, my FIL dying when he did, the day before my wedding, it was bad fucking luck - bad for me, way worse for Hubby, and it took a long time to even partially recover from it (we haven't and I fear will never fully recover).
I got stuck in feeling sorry for myself in that bad luck, and it took me a long time to snap out of it. I have my moments where it still frustrates me, because I know that was a huge factor in how my life changed - changed in a way I never expected or anticipated, in a way that's been really difficult and sad and still confuses me. But working through that, experiencing the grief behind it, made me understand you CANNOT dwell in your bad luck. It will suck you into an abyss if you let it.
But you also can't deny the bad shit. You can't pretend it's not there. I struggle with this, too. I can see the bad and difficult stuff, and it hurts me - but sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. So I try to fix them. Weird. I'm a chick AND a fixer?!?!?
My shrink and I had a little chat about that the other day, because trying to fix things is a male trait (generally). I was mentioning it in the context of a new employee at work, who is really faltering. I know in my head that his failure is 90% on him - yet I can't help but think it's 50% my own failings. That's me. I didn't hire this guy, and I am responsible for him to a point - bad luck. I've tried to mentor him and I feel like I've done a shitty job. I am running out of patience yet I am still trying to fix it. I didn't give our boss 1 iota of negative feedback for 4 MONTHS because I felt like I'd get him in trouble. UGH!
That's me. I'm nuts. And a fool, I guess, for thinking I can fix things, for thinking things only partially under my control are my fault.
But I think M - while wrong about trying to pretend the bad luck isn't there - is right. We should see our blessings and embrace them. M is damn good at that (too good). I, on the other hand, suck at it.
This is one of my goals for personal development. I need to see what's good in my life. My health. My job and career. My amazing child. Financial stability. My fabulous, do-anything-for-me friends. My Hubby who, despite maybe not being perfect (or maybe even quite right) for me, is a good dad and a good guy.
I need to remember that - when work frustrates me. When my kid gets a yellow at school for the 8th day in a row. When I am so exhausted from running here, there, and everywhere that I question my own sanity.
I need to balance - good and bad. We all do. We can't wish the bad away by pretending life is all good. And we can't fix the bad without letting the good envelop us and give us strength.
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