I'd rather not know

You told me
For reasons I don't understand
Probably to heal your own ache
And now I know

It's right there
Staring me in the face
Challenging me
And calling into question
All that I am, all that I will be.

I'd like to say
I'd rather not know
That in my ignorance
I was blissful or content

The problem is
There is no reality to that
For there is some power
Some comfort
Some peace
In knowing

At the time time
I know
I can never not know again
It's right there
It taunts me and teases me
And makes me wonder
And question my own life
My own decisions.

What has it done for you?
Is there clarity?
Did you trade my confusion, pain and, yes, happiness
For some sense of peace.

I wish I didn't know
And yet
Now that I do know.
I can't imagine not knowing.

So here I sit.
And what I do with this information.
All this time.
I still don't know.