turned inside out

I think back and can feel
The warm summer sun
A sense of euphoria, of hope,
of endless possibilities.

I wanted to grow up.
Simple enough.
I had a plan. 
I had many plans.
I was ready - ready to be me
I was going to love and learn
And succeed.

Along that path I went
Little by little the realization
That my life was not all under
My control
Hit me.

At first it was just a little poke
Some unfair situation
A circumstance I couldn't completely control
A disappointment that slowed me down.

But on I marched.
I was ready.
Success was only a few feet away
Hard work, dedication
It was right there
And alongside of it sat love
True love
Absolute love
Easy, simple, happiness

Wrong.
The house of cards I neatly stacked
It wasn't that a breeze rustled it
A hurricane came
And down it went

In the shambles of those cards
Was my well-planned for life
Nothing had ended
It just had been turned
Completely upside down.

I tried to rebuild it
Using the original pieces
After all, this was my life
The plans I laid
The foundation I built.

The glue, the braces, the ties
Some held for a while
Some crumbled from underneath
And down it came again.

All the while
As my rebuilding faltered
Life went on
Not nearly as planned as I hoped

In the shambles and ruins
There was sunshine and rain
Moments of sorrow and great joy
I missed some
Too busy trying to reconstruct
That which was not meant to be repaired.

The road of life stretched farther behind me
In the glimmer, a bit of happiness was there
I grabbed it
I needed it
I wanted it
I thought maybe I deserved it.

Life does not reconstruct itself
And that bit of happiness
It came with a consequence or three
And the sorrow and confusion
The attempts to rebuild and reconstruct
They worked here and there
But that old life, that hope and promise
It would never be the same.

Now I'm turned
inside out
Where do I go from here?
Do I keep rebuilding
And build the best I can?
Do I start over?
Do I split the difference?

Can I have what I need and what I want
And what I've worked so hard to get?