one down, 2 or 3 to go

The first in the charming series of craptastic, guilt-riddled, bullshit events the average person refers to as the winter holidays is over.  You'll note that I took 2 days off of work in part to recuperate from the typical level of crap that was involved in the "celebration".  I'm spent.  Now I get to look forward to a birthday with a black cloud, Christmas of overindulgence, and New Years of uncertain plans.  Yay.

As I mentioned, my last 2 days were work-free for recuperation purposes.  There is some odd irony in that, by the end of today, I was feeling keyed up and anxious.  Days off leave me feeling a little off-kilter, maybe because they are pretty rare for me, and days off alone, like the last 2 were, are a once or twice a year event.

I am obviously a thinking, an introspective person who's constantly challenging herself to look at things from different angles, which results in almost immediate overthinking of situations.

A day off is no different.

Yesterday was fine.  I got up and got G off to school, came home and took my time - leisurely - getting myself ready for my day.  I went out for some retail therapy and spent the rest of the afternoon doing a whole boatload of absolutely nothing except eating far too much of G's Halloween candy.

Side note - retail therapy is a double-edged sword for me.  Now that I am older (not wiser) and I have an adult woman's body, I've found a few stores where the clothing really works for me.  Of course, these stores aren't cheap, but then again, their clothes don't shrink after the first wash.  I enjoy going to them - I especially enjoyed visiting the one I went to on Monday since, in celebration of Cyber Monday, they had 40% off everything in store (how lovely).  This store happens to have sizes that run a bit big, which means my normally size 6 self is a size 4 in some of their styles.  How enjoyable - I haven't been a 4 since high school.  I really thoroughly basked in the glow of trying on pants that fit not only my ass but also my waist (as a size 6 with a big ass, I tend to get about 3 inches of "gap" when I try on pants -fun fun even with a low-rider thong).

BUT - I also hate to spend money.  I hate it.  It gives me serious anxiety.  So there I was, weilding my 40% off coupon, doing the math as to the discounted price in my head, trying to determine whether or not I really *should* spend $27 on a sweater.

I hate that.  UGH.

But I digress - that minor stress, which I overcame by splitting the difference and buying a few good pieces, but not the whole load of crap I brought into the dressing room on my 2 trips (LOL), isn't the point.

The point is today.  Today, I had nothing planned.  Due to my feeling miserly after yesterday's shopping, I wasn't setting foot inside a store, and the purchases I made online were for Gregg for Christmas (and pre-planned).

Ah...so my time was 100% mine, big ass firmly planted in MY spot on MY couch.

Except my head...oh here it goes.

I got thinking about how weird it was to be at home during the day on a workday.   There is something oddly unsettling about it.  I mean, I know I'm employed but, let's face it, the economy sucks it.  It's scary.  I feel like I'm forever holding my breath. I've been through layoffs - at 5 and then 7 months pregnant noless - and I don't want to go down that road again.  I am watching friends go through that hell now.

So I started thinking about it, and worrying about it, and wondering what the hell I'd do.  It scared me and, frankly, I ruined my last 3 free hours thinking about it.

Why I do this to myself I'll never know but let me say this - being a thinker - it definitely has its drawbacks.

So now I have Tuesday night dread - but at least I'm going back to a job tomorrow.  I have to remember that that makes me blessed.  In light of some things that went on this holiday, some news we got - I need that to be my mantra.  I am blessed.