a crisis of midlife proportions?

When you start writing your "bucket list", does that mean you're having a midlife crisis? Or have you just listened to Sarah McLachlan's new - and incredibly amazing - album too many times in the week since it was released?

For me - probably a combination of the two.

I've been in a mood all week - not sure if it's because of a conversation I had with a friend this weekend or because I'm a moody bitch most of the time or what - but I've been in a mood. Work is stressful and overwhelming and everyone is cranky and testy and snapping at each other (me included). But beyond that, I just feel inside myself.

I'm feeling very taken from. <-- I realize this just may be my way of wallowing in self-pity, but indulge me here enough to get it out. That's often a sufficient method to get me out of that pool of patheticness.

I just feel like one of those people who is reliable - so people take from me and leave me feeling, well, empty. This isn't really a new feeling for me, but one that rears its ugly head occasionally. It slammed me like a ton of bricks this week, although it took me until today to put my finger on exactly what it was.

I remember the first time - middle school. I was one of THOSE kids - you know, the one that always did her homework, that the teacher left in charge. I also was nice - so people in my very small school (we all knew each other - yes, really) were constantly tapping me for homework to copy. This happened all.the.time - people that I didn't socialize with at all, that I only knew from CCD class or because our moms were on the library board together. They would brazenly come up to me in the hall - "Andrea, can I copy? Wordly Wise?" I would say "no" and they would pout and make me feel like a cad. I usually kept saying no -not because I'm a bitch (now I'd say "no" because fuck them and the horse they rode in on - do your own fucking work) but because I didn't want to get in trouble. I genuinely felt bad - almost guilty - for saying "no", but I knew that if I let the kid do it and I got caught, there would be hell to pay.

Lucky for me, this seemed to peter out by high school, probably because of the differentiation of classes and my reputation for not letting people cheat off me. LOL. It was replaced by my cross country and track coach.

You see - I am blessed to be physically talented - not gifted, just talented. I was a decent-ish runner from the time I started running - not #1, but #2 or 3. My coach knew this by the end of freshman year, so his message to me was always something like this. "Andrea - Come in 3rd. We need 3rd to score enough points to win." In my 12 seasons of running for him, I can't remember ONCE him encouraging me to win. I do remember him once telling me he needed a 3rd from me and then him SCREAMING at me during the race because I was in 4th and "the girl ahead of you is FAT - you can't let her beat you". This got to me so bad - because this was a girl I knew, ran for my dad's school, who I also knew had trained like hell all summer and was really kicking ass - I ran off the track mid-race in tears. Not my finest moment - and not his.

But I plugged along and 90% of the time would come in that place he "assigned" me. Don't get me wrong, it was often where I really ought to have been given my abilities but nevertheless...I often felt a little like a second class citizen. Why was I never viewed by him as "the best"? I earned my way up to the lead leg of the 4x800 team by my senior year - good enough to start our relay, good enough to usually hand us off ahead, yet still not good enough to get to run the open 800. Oh no. He gave that to the girl who was best our freshman year (who never got any better) and the girl whose family he skiied with. Not me. I got the 1600 and 3200...because I'd come in 2nd or 3rd every.single.time.

I could have lived with it -I still would look back today slightly jaded and bitter, but I could have...were it not for an incident my senior year, and incident that truly made me feel used by him - taken from for what he needed, what "the team" needed.

It was a cross country race at a local golf course, a course we'd run a dozen times in my 4 years. That season, I was the 2 runner usually, sometimes 3 especially at the start of most races (she'd run out of gas). That race, I was behind the 1 and the 3 when I saw them veer off the course with about 10 other girls. Hmm...odd...I knew that was the wrong way. The course was 2 loops and on the 2nd one you veered off..but this was loop 1. So I hemmed and hawed and went what I thought was the right way.

I was right.

I won.

My first (and, as it turns out, only) win ever in cross country. EVER!

I was damn excited and proud of myself. My teammates were excited (well, the 4, 5, 6, etc runners). I couldn't wait until Monday when my win would be announced on the loudspeaker at school, just like when the boys' 1 runner and the girls' 1 runners won.

Monday came. And went. No announcement. Why? Oh my coach told me. "It wasn't a real win, Andrea. You only won because the other girls got lost."

Talk about taking the wind out of someone's sails. I remember distinctly feeling CRUSHED. But it was beyond that - I felt totally taken for granted. My coach spent 4 years squeezing what he needed out of me, and I gave it. And when I did something awesome, it was like he couldn't even be proud of me.

This leads me to adulthood (oh yeah, and the friends - or so-called - who cheated off of me in college, especially one friend who only passed Bio 3 thanks to me...yes...I knew...and tried to prevent it...).

I have been feeling that same sense of being used - squeezed - in my career. I am so lucky. I work hard and my peers seem to genuinely appreciate that. My direct bosses do too. Yet, 13 years into my career - 3 companies later - where am I? Same damn place I was - at least almost. I'm senior level instead of junior level. But I have friends - hell a husband - who are executives - directors, VPs. Me? Nope.

Hubby says I don't have enough of a killer instinct, that I'm too good. Maybe. I really don't know. I work so hard. I think I'm good. I hear a lot of "What would we do without you?". So what? So people can suck me dry?

I think I'm frustrated because of the series of events over the last couple of years. About 18 months ago, our company moved a new SVP to our branch, in an obvious effort to clean house.  Over time, I wound up having a fairly decent rapport with her, and over the year that she was firmly entrenched (she's been MIA the last 6 months due to yet another new role), she told me (and my boss) MULTIPLE times that they had "big plans" for me.  She even went so far as to have several one-on-ones with me, her idea...which was weird since she wasn't my direct manager...

Now here I am.  We have a reorg looming.  About a year ago, we started working on an internal (to our dept) reorg, in which I and 2 of my counterparts were promised leadership roles.  It was presented to the SVP and for reasons we don't understand, never came to fruition - at least not formally.  Informally, it's taken some weird shape.  I've been  running a part of our department for the last 3 months - but not in name, which means I have ZERO in the way of clout.  It's so frustrating because I have change I want to effect, and I CAN'T.

Then, we became aware of overall org changes coming.  My boss, who uses us 3 senior members as sounding boards, has dropped hints here and there but she doesn't know much so there's no substance to it.

So we wait.  "End of May a decision will be announced".

It's June 23.  NOTHING.

My boss dropped another piece of nebulous info in my lap today about the coming reorg.  No details whatsoever. Just that someone in our NYC office knew about a change to her (boss's) role that boss didn't know, which he mentioned to her, which freaked her out..."But I think it will be a good thing".  I''m scared for me, I'm scared for the very very good friends I have in our department, some more than others.

And I feel, frankly, fucked over.

Maybe something good will come out of this for me.  But when I know FOR A FACT that my boss's boss, the SVP, isn't including HER in reorg conversations about HER department, it doesn't bode well for my boss.  How can it bode well for me?

So once again, I'm feeling disappointed.  Once again, I feel like I put forth this effort and I do a good job - a really good job.  Yet what does it mean?  NOTHING.  Why recognize me?  Why promote me?  It would be a benefit TO ME but as someone higher up, let's face it, it will fuck you over because you'll have to backfill my role.

Hence the fucked over feeling I am drowning in right now.

I hate it.  I know I'm feeling sorry for myself - I'm just so tired of giving and giving and giving and never getting.  I don't expect to get much or often - but ever would be nice.

I watch my peers and friends and college buddies who graduated with lower GPAs than me move along and get promoted and make 6 figures and I can't help but wonder where I went wrong.

I know I'm lucky, and I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth.  I love what I do and I feel so blessed that in this economy I have a job at all.

But I love what I do.  So I want - NEED - to succeed.  And how is success measured, really?  By upward motion.  And that glass ceiling above me - damn, it's like 13 feet thick right now.

It doesn't help that when I look at my personal life, I feel this same sense of being used and taken from - in ways I can't say right now because I don't want to hurt anyone.  But suffice it to say, it feels pervasive in my life.

So I look inside myself again and ask - what am I doing wrong?  Because it can't just be bad luck.