nothing is ever easy

So much going on right now - my head feels like it's spinning and I am in dire need of both blogging and journalling!

The career risk seemed to be a good one.  I got a message right back but am now in "phone tag mode", so I don't know where I stand, I just know that my inquiry at least got noticed.  In the meantime, they long-looming reorganizational change -you know, one of those ones where everyone sort of knew for months - finally got announced today.  I'll be the first to admit that, while I did know the details, one facet of it, the way something was put, was something I took personally as a huge slap in the face.  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a position I was up for or would even want - this is an area I support but am not in and that's TOTALLY fine with me.  But it's a bitter pill to swallow when you put your heart and soul into supporting someone - or someones - and the person who is the most dependent, the most unwilling to learn or take on anything independently, and the one who is the first to complain if you - gasp - take a vacation or are unavailable because she "can't do this" - is the one that gets the corner office with the door and window and view while you're still in cubicle hell.

Having said that, I am trying to push my bitterness aside.  The fact is, the powers that be decided that was the right move.  I'm not going to change their mind.  BUT, I am going to handle things differentlhy.  In my mind, Senior Management (their term, not mine) doesn't require hand-holding by a measley peon.  So the hand-holding will cease.  Period.

Now let's see if I can do this.  I am the consummate perfectionist and I am a people-pleaser.  I totally suck at pushing back.  I need to do it.  I hope I can do it, at least a little bit. 

In other news, this is my first 5 day work week in a while AND my "baby" starts 3rd grade on Weds.  It's insane!  Where the hell does the time go?  I was reading an article about 9/11 the other day - the museum that they are putting up in remembrance of the day.  It was a hard article to read, especially having been directly impacted by that day - especially when they showed pictures of the artifacts.  The reason I mention this is because I found out that I was pregnant with G the week of 9/11.  So not only do I have friends who lost loved ones that day, a cousin who was next to the towers when the first plane hit, and vivid memories of that day, but I will always think of my little man when that day comes up. 

It is the most bittersweet feeling I've ever experienced.  I remember peeing on the stick that Saturday and wondering what the hell I was doing.  I was 3 months out from a miscarriage and finally feeling (emotionally) a little bit better - and now I was pregnant and the world was falling apart.  It was hard to be excited because I was overwhelmed with sadness and fear and a little guilt about bringing an innocent child into a world that felt so chaotic.

I get like this every late August/early September now because not only does it mark the anniversary of 9/11 and me finding out I was pregnant, but it's the start of school, another milestone.  It makes me feel twinges of melancholy but also small feelings of pride and happiness.  My perspective on parenting may be a little - admittedly - weird.  I love my son and I love watching him grow up.  Seeing him get older and move into new phases of life does give me that sense of "omg my baby!", but it's also really cool to me.  My responsibility as a parent is to help G grow into a fully functional, happy, healthy adult.  When he starts a new school year or does something on his own or moves into a new phase in his life - it makes me feel like I'm doing my job as Mom right - it causes me a sense of pride and also of happiness for him.  It's hard to watch him grow because I know that means he's one step away from not "needing" me in the way he has in the past - but it's also sort of awe-inspiring.

Wow, that was quite a tangent.  I guess I'm thinking "out loud" tonight.

The problem is that I had an appointment with my therapist tonight.  I usually see him every 2 weeks but I have been having MAJOR issues getting in there.  Hubby's schedule is a little out of control - my social life is non-existent because of it, too, and frankly, it gets frustrating.  I'm the last person to tell him he can't do something - not my way AT ALL - but he's racheted up to being out at least part of the evening 4 or 5 nights a week - PLUS he gets 2 hours a day at the gym in the mornings.  So I'm frustrated and a little jealous!

Needless to say, I was eagerly anticipating talking to my shrink.  It has been a rough month - mostly familial issues and the stress that puts on our marriage and how it makes me feel.  I needed to get it out.

Except...my shrink double-booked on top of me.  Why?  Because I suck and haven't gotten to see him in a long while.

ARGH!  So I am attempting to use blogger as therapy.

It's working - a little.  I can't vent about the familial crap here - too many people reading.  Hence the need to journal.  And onward we go.

reach

It's right there
What I am
What I want to be

I see it
In the distance
I get closer
And then it slips away

I try to reach it
I stretch
And push
And challenge
I get so very close
And it slips just out
Of my trembling hands.

I know what I want
I see the path
And yet
It must not be
Quite right

Because it's right
right there
And I just
Cannot catch it.

love this song

I love Damien Rice, but I tend to get stuck on his album "O" because "Cold Water", "Amie", and "Blower's Daugher" are on that.

But lately I've been trying to work my iPod's shuffle feature to its maximum potential and it's been reminding me how much I love love love this song.  Wow.  Just wow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMGh3Ts5-WQ

idle comments and a bit of a risk

I had this situation yesterday - it's one of those things that happens to all of us, and sometimes it's no big deal and other times, it catches you in a mood and it blows you away.  I was having a - well - rough day.  I am under a lot of pressure at work right now - short-staffed, too much work, and a general lack of understanding / acknowledgement of the situation by senior management, which is forcing us into completely unreasonable deadlines.  This results in a lot of mud-slinging and throwing of people under tractor trailers - screw the buses.

Needless to say, I wasn't exactly in the best frame of mind.

A friend of mine and I were having a very benign conversation - actually, it was fun, because we were idly discussing being NOT at work - a good distractoin to the reality of what was going on around me.  The conversation took an unexpected turn, a comment was made - in a way that wasn't meant to be malicious.

Yep - it may have not been intended that way, but it smacked me upside the head.

You know, it was just one of those things - where I felt like there was no consideration for how it could have come across before it was said.

Again, we've all done it.  Open mouth, insert foot, hurt friend.  It sucks when you do it because sometimes the sentence bubble is still hanging in the air and you realize "oh fuck".

In this instance, my friend (F) had no idea initially that the comment could be taken 2 ways...and then there was the realization...

I was in a sort of weepy, feeling-sorry-for-myself mood, so I actually stepped away from the conversation so as to avoid bursting into tears.

Then I went to the bathroom and the waterworks began.  You know - sometimes you just have to cry it out.  Thankfully, the full on weepies only lasted a few minutes (which was good - I had to go to yet another meeting!!!) - but I felt very melancholy for the next couple of hours.

To F's credit - I got a call a couple of hours later checking on how I was doing.  That's the great thing about people who really are your friends, who really love you for who you are and what you mean in their lives.  They know when they hurt you - then know when they screw up.  In this instance - F's realization of why what was said was so hurtful took me being upset and a long hard look - but it happened, as did the apology and an open conversation about the real intention of the remark.

I still feel a little off, just because the message of what was said was hard to take - regardless of how it was said.  I will be ok - I just need to digest a bit longer.  If I were stronger - if I weren't as sensitive and didn't feel somewhere deep down that I never quite hit my mark, never quite do things well enough, never really care enough or do enough - maybe it wouldn't  have been hard to take.  But that's not me - I'm getting better at loving me but no matter how hard I try, my perfectionist self is never going to be the person I think I need to be - and so sometimes, the littlest thing, it will be hard for me to take.

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On another note - I took a bit of a (hopefully well-conceived) career risk today.  I threw my hat in the ring and let my intentions of wanting to do more, be more, achieve more  - well-known.  Crap.  That's a HUGE deal for me.  Acting like I am that confident.

Shit.

I can't believe I did it.

Tickles and Dreams

There was something about you
You were always there
Tickling the back of my head
And the edges of my heart
And yet, that was all
It was an unanswered and unrecognized blip
I could feel it and yet
I could push it aside just as easily.

And yet, even with all that ignoring
And pretending it wasn't happening
Or I was losing my mind
Or I was letting romance crush all logic
The tickling..the lingering wonder
I could not get it to difuse itself
I couldn't squirm away from that tickle.

Instead, you entered my dreams
You were not a constant visitor
You were not even predictably there
But when you visited
It was everything, all encompassing
Everywhere
I wanted the dream to endure, live on
Waking up felt like a curse not a blessing.

No matter - my quest to ignore endured.
You were unattainable, unreachable, out of bounds.
I was losing my mind
There was nothing there between us
Only some overgrown school girl's unfounded fantasy
And maybe, just maybe, a little wistfullness as well.

But I was wrong
And I was blindsided when I discovered
Just how wrong I was.
It was just idle Tuesday - or was it Monday?
And there it was - this simple little dream
That little tickle I thought I was imagining
Was always there - even if it had been so very subtle
I'd felt it
Because you wanted me to.

curses to the Bachelor and Bachelorette

I weaned myself off of watching The Bachelor and The Bachelorette a couple of years ago - too much melodrama, too much bullshit, too much melancholy.

And yet, I seem to always manage to inadvertently catch the finales.  CURSES!  WHY?  Why do they air that damn show when nothing else is on - I get sucked in with the romance and the drama and I am done for.

Tonight is no exception - and the fact that I had a damn glass of wine with the neighbors just before that - and forget it.  It's not even "decision time" yet and I am a blubbering mess!