So much going on right now - my head feels like it's spinning and I am in dire need of both blogging and journalling!
The career risk seemed to be a good one. I got a message right back but am now in "phone tag mode", so I don't know where I stand, I just know that my inquiry at least got noticed. In the meantime, they long-looming reorganizational change -you know, one of those ones where everyone sort of knew for months - finally got announced today. I'll be the first to admit that, while I did know the details, one facet of it, the way something was put, was something I took personally as a huge slap in the face. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a position I was up for or would even want - this is an area I support but am not in and that's TOTALLY fine with me. But it's a bitter pill to swallow when you put your heart and soul into supporting someone - or someones - and the person who is the most dependent, the most unwilling to learn or take on anything independently, and the one who is the first to complain if you - gasp - take a vacation or are unavailable because she "can't do this" - is the one that gets the corner office with the door and window and view while you're still in cubicle hell.
Having said that, I am trying to push my bitterness aside. The fact is, the powers that be decided that was the right move. I'm not going to change their mind. BUT, I am going to handle things differentlhy. In my mind, Senior Management (their term, not mine) doesn't require hand-holding by a measley peon. So the hand-holding will cease. Period.
Now let's see if I can do this. I am the consummate perfectionist and I am a people-pleaser. I totally suck at pushing back. I need to do it. I hope I can do it, at least a little bit.
In other news, this is my first 5 day work week in a while AND my "baby" starts 3rd grade on Weds. It's insane! Where the hell does the time go? I was reading an article about 9/11 the other day - the museum that they are putting up in remembrance of the day. It was a hard article to read, especially having been directly impacted by that day - especially when they showed pictures of the artifacts. The reason I mention this is because I found out that I was pregnant with G the week of 9/11. So not only do I have friends who lost loved ones that day, a cousin who was next to the towers when the first plane hit, and vivid memories of that day, but I will always think of my little man when that day comes up.
It is the most bittersweet feeling I've ever experienced. I remember peeing on the stick that Saturday and wondering what the hell I was doing. I was 3 months out from a miscarriage and finally feeling (emotionally) a little bit better - and now I was pregnant and the world was falling apart. It was hard to be excited because I was overwhelmed with sadness and fear and a little guilt about bringing an innocent child into a world that felt so chaotic.
I get like this every late August/early September now because not only does it mark the anniversary of 9/11 and me finding out I was pregnant, but it's the start of school, another milestone. It makes me feel twinges of melancholy but also small feelings of pride and happiness. My perspective on parenting may be a little - admittedly - weird. I love my son and I love watching him grow up. Seeing him get older and move into new phases of life does give me that sense of "omg my baby!", but it's also really cool to me. My responsibility as a parent is to help G grow into a fully functional, happy, healthy adult. When he starts a new school year or does something on his own or moves into a new phase in his life - it makes me feel like I'm doing my job as Mom right - it causes me a sense of pride and also of happiness for him. It's hard to watch him grow because I know that means he's one step away from not "needing" me in the way he has in the past - but it's also sort of awe-inspiring.
Wow, that was quite a tangent. I guess I'm thinking "out loud" tonight.
The problem is that I had an appointment with my therapist tonight. I usually see him every 2 weeks but I have been having MAJOR issues getting in there. Hubby's schedule is a little out of control - my social life is non-existent because of it, too, and frankly, it gets frustrating. I'm the last person to tell him he can't do something - not my way AT ALL - but he's racheted up to being out at least part of the evening 4 or 5 nights a week - PLUS he gets 2 hours a day at the gym in the mornings. So I'm frustrated and a little jealous!
Needless to say, I was eagerly anticipating talking to my shrink. It has been a rough month - mostly familial issues and the stress that puts on our marriage and how it makes me feel. I needed to get it out.
Except...my shrink double-booked on top of me. Why? Because I suck and haven't gotten to see him in a long while.
ARGH! So I am attempting to use blogger as therapy.
It's working - a little. I can't vent about the familial crap here - too many people reading. Hence the need to journal. And onward we go.
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