I had this situation yesterday - it's one of those things that happens to all of us, and sometimes it's no big deal and other times, it catches you in a mood and it blows you away. I was having a - well - rough day. I am under a lot of pressure at work right now - short-staffed, too much work, and a general lack of understanding / acknowledgement of the situation by senior management, which is forcing us into completely unreasonable deadlines. This results in a lot of mud-slinging and throwing of people under tractor trailers - screw the buses.
Needless to say, I wasn't exactly in the best frame of mind.
A friend of mine and I were having a very benign conversation - actually, it was fun, because we were idly discussing being NOT at work - a good distractoin to the reality of what was going on around me. The conversation took an unexpected turn, a comment was made - in a way that wasn't meant to be malicious.
Yep - it may have not been intended that way, but it smacked me upside the head.
You know, it was just one of those things - where I felt like there was no consideration for how it could have come across before it was said.
Again, we've all done it. Open mouth, insert foot, hurt friend. It sucks when you do it because sometimes the sentence bubble is still hanging in the air and you realize "oh fuck".
In this instance, my friend (F) had no idea initially that the comment could be taken 2 ways...and then there was the realization...
I was in a sort of weepy, feeling-sorry-for-myself mood, so I actually stepped away from the conversation so as to avoid bursting into tears.
Then I went to the bathroom and the waterworks began. You know - sometimes you just have to cry it out. Thankfully, the full on weepies only lasted a few minutes (which was good - I had to go to yet another meeting!!!) - but I felt very melancholy for the next couple of hours.
To F's credit - I got a call a couple of hours later checking on how I was doing. That's the great thing about people who really are your friends, who really love you for who you are and what you mean in their lives. They know when they hurt you - then know when they screw up. In this instance - F's realization of why what was said was so hurtful took me being upset and a long hard look - but it happened, as did the apology and an open conversation about the real intention of the remark.
I still feel a little off, just because the message of what was said was hard to take - regardless of how it was said. I will be ok - I just need to digest a bit longer. If I were stronger - if I weren't as sensitive and didn't feel somewhere deep down that I never quite hit my mark, never quite do things well enough, never really care enough or do enough - maybe it wouldn't have been hard to take. But that's not me - I'm getting better at loving me but no matter how hard I try, my perfectionist self is never going to be the person I think I need to be - and so sometimes, the littlest thing, it will be hard for me to take.
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On another note - I took a bit of a (hopefully well-conceived) career risk today. I threw my hat in the ring and let my intentions of wanting to do more, be more, achieve more - well-known. Crap. That's a HUGE deal for me. Acting like I am that confident.
Shit.
I can't believe I did it.
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