well this is getting unmanageable

My calendar at work for the last 2 days has been booked solid. SOLID.

Now, this in and of itself isn't particularly newsworthy. I usually am slammed with meetings. It keeps me busy and helps me push aside some of the drama in my life - and in my workplace - for a while.

That said - FULLY booked for 2 days straight??? This is getting out of hand.

I have a full time job. I mentor a temp. And now I am responsible for 1/2 of the training of 2 new employees. Did I mention that my actual job didn't go away? Good grief!!

Needless to say, 3 of my "meetings" today were actually training sessions. So I cancelled the 3rd one for now. There is no way in hell I can train on my ridiculous, totally confusing, completely broken systems for 3 solid hours in ONE DAY!!

This would have been bad enough but during said 1 hour "break" today, I was scrolling through my emails. You ever have that nagging feeling that you have something due but you don't remember what it is...and you're worried it due ASAP? Uh yeah. I found it. Testing. Must be done by 1pm Thursday. 3pm Wednesday and I haven't started it - and it takes on average 3 hours. Oh yeah, and I have a 4pm meeting, would like to leave at a reasonable hour, have a presentation/meeting at 8:30am - 10:30ish tomorrow, and am triple-booked at 11am?? Oh please.

I promptly cancelled/declined my 11ams tomorrow and will squeeze in some testing then, and realized that I would be logging some extra time after my 4pm - which was a teleconference to which I paid so little attention I think I may have answered a question incorrectly. UGH!!

I feel like I can't catch my breath. This is enough but I have some personal life shit going on too. Oh yeah, and I actually enjoy SEEING my child occasionally.

As I've stated - I'm Type A. Big time. I love being busy. I really do. But when I get so busy that I feel like I get very little done and what I do do is of questionable quality - I feel like a failure.

I feel like a failure right now. I don't feel like I'm getting enough done and I feel like (I KNOW) I am half-assing things. I don't need to feel like a failure at work - I have enough of that in other aspects of my life right now.

I feel like a shitty mom because I'm so exhausted when I get home that dinner is about as much energy as I can expend. Sure I have conversations with G but I don't have the energy to play games with him every night - and some nights, I just can't wait for 8pm (bedtime). It makes me feel like a completely shitty mom - I only see the poor kid 3 or 4 hours on weekdays!

Of course this latest burst of chaos seems to have coincided with G's foray into independence. After being a super-needy, play-with-me-all-day-long child for his first 7 years, the last 6 months, he's gotten to a place where he does his own thing. Happily. I'm so proud of him - yet it makes me feel so strange. I wonder if I somehow prematurely pushed him there. I can't remember how old I was when my independent streak kicked in - my mom insists it was from day 1 though - so maybe my guilt feelings are wasted.

I hate to say it but it's moments like this - days like this - where being a mom is just really hard, really confusing, and really conflicting.

I love my son. But the day he was born, the rest of Andrea didn't disappear. Sometimes balancing motherhood with being Andrea - not easy.

Today is one of those days.

Breathe.