sometimes it doesn't take much

Tonight I was struck by something. I am a mother - and someday soon, the person I mother will change. Again.

Sounds stupid, right? I mean, I've been a mom for nearly 8 years (or 9 if you count pregnancy). How am I just realizing this now?

Well - I'm not. But sometimes, it slaps me in the face.

What happened? Well, it was a small series of little events.

After our yummy dinner tonight, I ran down to the gas station closest to our house (I definitely curse the powers that be in this town who allowed a freakin' gas station within a mile of my house - good way to power-chow on a lot of crap food) to get some candy. Even Hubby wanted some, which means that hell actually did freeze over.

When I came back out to my car - armed with 4 yes 4 candy bars thank you very much - there was a car next to me. That in and of itself at 8pm on a Friday night is somewhat newsworthy in our sleepy little town. In it was a mom and her 2 daughters. Check that. One of her daughters was getting out of the car when I walked out. A Ugg-clad, cell-phone wielding, texting probably 14 year old daughter. Her other daughter, complete with nose-piercing and comparable pair of Uggs, was chatting with her.

And it slammed me. The girl is 14. I remember being 14. Vividly. And my kid will be 14 in 6 years. SIX YEARS. I was 14 a good solid 2 decades ago. Oh God.

I am barely holding my head above water parenting a not-quite-8 year old. Don't shake your head at me. I know I'm a good Mom. But I also know that parenting is hard. I'm parenting a 7 year old BOY. Compared to a 14 year old girl, that sure as hell must be simple. I know it is. I have friend with teenagers, and the stories they tell me make my toes curl.

Yet still I find parenting my kid a challenge. So a moment like this puts a "OH GOD WHAT THE HELL HAVE A DONE???" panic into my chest. Simultaneously, it makes me well aware of the speed of life and time - something my parents assured me of when I was a child and something I thought was stupid.

I smiled at the family and moved along my merry way, coming home and shaking my head, realizing that instead of facing a huge cell phone bill and trying to figure out why Uggs are so expensive and fretting about what exactly teenagers do when they "go out" or "hang out" or go on a date...I'm worrying that G will never actually learn how to raise his hand in class, and he will dance naked in the living room when he's supposed to be taking a shower for the 50th time.

I realized that no matter what their age, our kids give us joy and fits and stomach cramps and tears. The causes of them just vary. Again - a fact I know, but that is sometimes underlined by a moment - a fleeting one, one that wouldn't seem meaningful to a person observing it.

After I got home and G did his naked dance and gave his father a major ration of crap and got caught mimicking him in the bathroom mirror....

I started sorting through the 6 months (love the digital camera until it's time to order prints) of photographs I just recently ordered from Snapfish...I had ordered one 5x7 of my handsome little man which really shows off his gorgeous blue eyes and, if I don't say so myself, my ability to take a kick-ass picture.

I grabbed the frame I wanted to put it in. One of my favorite things about putting up new pics - seeing the old ones in the frame that haven't been out in years.

And the earth shook under me again.

This is an old frame. The oldest picture in the frame is from a beautiful fall day when G was about 18 months old. He's standing under the tree in our front yard, leaves everywhere, complete with an Elmo hat on his head. I took the pic off-center on purpose, and the look on his face is patently "Giani is in his own head, figuring shit out".

He is absolutely a BABY in this picture.

I realized then - the time that has elapsed since this pic was taken is the time that will elapse and lead him to being 14.

Seredipity much?

I showed G the picture. He was tickled but puzzled as to why he was wearing an Elmo hat. Apparently he forgot he ever liked - check that, LOVED - Elmo.

My baby is gone. Oh he'll always be my baby - but he is a baby no more. I know this, but it's these fleeting and seemingly unmeaningful moments that remind me. They remind me to slow down and breathe and watch him grow - even if only for a second.

My job as his mother is to mother him - to raise him into a person who is well-rounded and loving and equipped for life as an adult. I'm not sad at the prospect of him being an adult. In fact, I'm happy about it. I can't wait to see what he'll be like at 10, 14, 25.

It's the getting there.

It's amazing when you see the compassion in his eyes as he tells me I need to give more money to the kids in Haiti, and asks me if we can go there to help rebuild.

It's inspiring when, in the crowd of the 5 neighborhood kids who are between 7 and 9 years old, he is the only one (and the only boy) who stops and tries to help the 4 year old who's trying to keep up and keeps getting stuck in the 15 inches of snow.

It's frustrating and scary when you get yet another "Mrs. XXX, can we talk at some point today about G's behavior at school?" email in your work inbox on a particularly hectic Thursday afternoon.

It's a pride-inducing thing when that same teacher says "Despite his not listening to me to stop reading and missing all of the directions to his quarterly evaluation exam, he got 100% - on all 4 sections. And I'm not surprised - the work is far too easy for him."

It's funny when he gets a bad case of the giggles because his cat is meowing at a piece of styrofoam on the floor.

It's squishy mushy love-y when he wants just more snuggle with you and Old Blue, his tried and true blankie from his babyhood - before his warm-smelling, little boy scarred, bruised, toussled hair self goes to sleep for the night.

I never thought I'd be a Mom. Never. I'm a perfectionist. This is not a good trait for a Mom. And some days, I think I should be committed for ever trying it. I'm scared and overwhelmed and my guidebook got lost in the mail.

But I don't regret my little boy. He is amazing and I simply can't imagine my life without him in it. That Ugg-wearing teenager and that baby in the picture frame - they reminded me tonight on an otherwise normal, mundane yet crazy Friday.