the fine line between anger and sadness

I ran across this quote tonight - I like it:

Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible. ~ Cherie-Carter Scotts

This quote really resonated with me - I am feeling like I've made some pretty significant mistakes in my life - mistakes that I don't want to regret but that are worrying me because they've brought me such confusion and sadness.  I think I need to look at them as lessons, figure out what they're telling me, and use that to enhance and better my life.

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I was thinking today about how thin the line between anger and sadness is.  For me, those 2 emotions are nearly one.  I have a really hard time being angry without feeling significant sadness.

This results in the most ridiculous of reactions by me at times.  I mean, something happened today that hurt me.  It was an ugly reminder of how much I hurt and confused someone important to me.  The way this person reacted to me was simply awful.  I could read the body language and see the disappointment.

I was angry because the hurt I inflicted upon this person wasn't purposeful, and I still care for this person just as I have for a long time now.  It's hard to know that what I did - who I was - is so awful that this person currently wants nothing to do with me.  Being treated that way reminded me of that, and cut me to the core.  It felt horrible all over again - and I  had to choke back tears until the person was out of sight - but it also made me angry.  Angry because I thought this person cared about me in the same way - and I still believe that they do.  And yet they are treating me like a stranger, and a stranger they dislike at that.  It's so incredibly hurtful, and it makes me angry.  So I started crying, and in those tears I was so mad, I wanted to hunt this person down and kick them - hard - to show them how upset I was, and maybe, just maybe, to knock some sense into them.  This is a shitty thing that went down, but was it really MY fault?  This person knows me so well - can they really believe that?!?!?

I think of myself as a kind - sometimes kind - person, who does her best to do the right thing.  It takes me a long time to warm up to people, because I'm really afraid of being hurt.  Sometimes I feel like my life has been a series of destroyed friendships and close relationships.  I let a small choice group of people in, and ultimately, usually because of a misunderstanding or something I don't understand, a huge fissure occurs and I'm left alone.
It happened in 3rd grade.
It happened in middle school.
It happened in college.
It happened at the end of my very first "real" relationship -- last I heard that person still hates me.
It happened with the guy I wound up marrying, although that one we fixed, sort of.
It happened with an old friend a few years ago.
And it feels like it's happening again now.

I'm tired of being accused of being aloof or snobby or hard to know.  You want to know me?  I'd love for you to know me.  I think I have a lot to offer.  But if you know me, you need to know that my heart is huge and soft.  It's easy to hurt me.

And when you hurt me, I don't know how to deal with it.