sorry

People throw the words "I'm sorry" around so much.  This is actually one of my bigger pet peeves.  Don't say sorry to me over crap.  Don't say sorry to me because you think that's what you want me to hear.  Most importantly, don't say sorry to me to excuse some shit that you've pulled, or to gloss over some nastiness you're going to say to me.

Because of this peeve of mine, I try very hard to not throw apologies around.  I apologize because I need to - because I need forgiveness, because I know I've done something wrong.

I apologized today and, in an agonizing sort of way, the apology was flat-out rejected in favor of pure (although hopefully temporary) hatred.

I was, am, and will forever be sorry - not for what I feel or who I am, but for the fact that that reality - who I am - has caused such pain, has made such a huge mess.  You see, I didn't exactly DO anything.  I just AM something - someone.  This has caused complication and confusion and now, more pain than I would wish to inflict on my worst enemy, let alone someone important to me.

I am hoping for forgiveness at some point.  I'm hoping that all that pain, that is bringing such hatred to the surface, will start to subside, that there can be some closure, conclusion, resolution - and that with that, I can have some sort of healing.

In the meantime, this is my pain to carry - the pain I inflicted and the pain I'm receiving as the result of me being me.  Alone.