purple platforms

I live with an impulsive, mood-driven shopper.  Hubby.  When we were first living together, this was actually a huge point of contention between us, as it got him into some debt with me, and since I'm super-OCD about money (read: cheap), it pissed me off.  He's definitely made some strides in getting better about this over the years, although he definitely still has his moments.  Giving him his own mad money account has helped matters quite a lot.

That said, I am not one to shop impulsively, or because I'm having a bad day/week/month/year/life.  Or not ordinarily.

I made an impulse buy yesterday and, while I'm happy about the end result, I feel a little guilty about it and a little weird.

I bought this kick-ass, 4 inch platform heels.  They're purple.  Lord knows how the hell I'm going to find an outfit to wear them with - but I will.  And I will absolutely time the wearing of said shoes in a strategic manner. 

But the thing is - I BOUGHT THEM - and I bought them because I was (am) sad and feeling sorry for myself.  This is NOT ordinary Andrea behavior.  I'm a little stunned by it, really, and wondering if I should take this as a bad sign, or just a sign that I'm struggling right now and needed something - and was grasping at straws.

I know I'm having a hard time right now, and I know it's a problem that I really need to deal with on my own.  I know it's impacting my mood in a way that's obvious to most people close to me, unfortunately, G included.  He rubbed my back tonight and told me he was sorry I was sad which, of course, broke my heart because I do try to insulate him from these things.  I'm not exactly a happy-go-lucky kind of a person on a good day, so the fact that he's noticing - that's a problem, and I need to turn this inward a bit.

I'm getting sick of listening to myself whine, and that combined with the easily noticed mood makes me think that maybe buying the shoes was a good thing.  Maybe my quest now to find an outfit to match said shoes will be a good distraction.

The reality is, I am hurt and sad and I feel about 1/2 an inch tall right now because I screwed up.  And it all came out of nowhere so it slapped me upside the head without warning.  So I guess maybe this is my processing phase.

So yeah, these purple shoes - I'm glad I bought them and I want to wear them soon.  But damn, they might always be a symbol of this time.  Maybe I'll get to a point where I can look at them and think "I bought those because crap happens and it happened to me - and I survived and came out the other side better, things got better, I was able to mend things and overcome the path I walked on."

I can only hope.  And I haven't felt hopeful in a while - so maybe, just maybe, that's a good thing.