just really?

Listening to Anna Nalick's "Breathe" - love this lyric "Life's like an hourglass glued to the table.."  Damnit, she's right.

In any event - later I'm going to rewrite the anecdote/true story with embellishments that I had actually completed last night when my internet decided to do its momentary disconnect thing and somehow blew away not only my request to publish my post but also all drafts it had saved less the first one.  Curses - fucking technology, I realize it's what keeps me gainfully employed but it sucks ass sometimes.

I need to be simultaneously a Mama Bear and slightly philosophical right now.

I made the mistake of reading something today on a public debate forum that I lurk on about only children.  Oh yes, you read right - the big "only children are destined to be spoiled brats" bullshit stereotype perpetuated by the ignorant.  It got me all fired up and I've been stewing about it for the last 1/2 hour.

Let's lay out the facts first.
I have an only child.
I am the child of an only child.
My husband is the child of an only child.
Neither Hubby or I are only children.
Our only child is an only child really mostly by my choice but really because, with the tenuous threads that hold our marriage together, it was really just the right decision.
Having an only child wasn't (see above) what we planned (2 kids 2 years apart - dear god that sounds disturbing now that I've done this parenting gig for nearly 9 years).  But you know what - life fucking happens.

Having said that - because I am an OCD over-thinker, over-planner, worry wart, I have read every damn piece of writing I can find on only children.  I am paranoid - as I suppose most parents are but sometimes I wonder - of every decision and action I do as a parent, and of course the creation of, or failure to create, siblings weighs somewhat heavily on me.

What I've found is encouraging and, moreover, in the case of our family, seems to make perfect sense.

The vast majority of birth order studies have found a very close parallel between the underlying traits of only children and oldest children.  It was the original researcher - Adler, a Jung/Freud contemporary (i.e. a LONG time ago) that suggested that only children are "extremely self-centered" and "spoiled".  See the links below, but current studies have really debunked the extremity of his opinions were just that - extremes only.

Let's face it - there's something to be said for birth order.  Can only children be spoiled?  Yep.  Is there a greater likelihood that they will be spoiled?  Logic would say of course - the parents have the time, the means, and there are no other children at which to direct the spoiling.

Logically - I get that.  But there is one thing to saying that it may be more likely and making statements like "I would never have an only child because I don't want my kid to be a spoiled brat."

That's just ignorant.

We parent as we choose.  We can parent a kind, considerate and unspoiled only child.  We can parent 3 spoiled children.  We can raise our 1 or 2 or 5 or 13 children to the best of our ability. 

It just gets to me sometimes.  Maybe it's partly because I felt some guilt about not "giving" G a sibling for a long time.  Maybe it's because I felt like there was something wrong with me as a woman, as a mother, for never having a baby urge after G came into my life.  Maybe it's my wondering if I'd just gotten that damn PPD treated before G was 14 months old - then maybe I'd feel differently.

But whatever the reason, or reasons, this is where we are.  My job as G's mom is to be the best parent I can be TO HIM.  And damnit, I'm doing my best - hell I'm probably overcompensating - to do anything but turn him into a spoiled brat.

I realize I take things too personally and I realize that this impacts me way more than it should.  But I read stuff like that online, statements made by parents who didn't seem to have the hesitation I did to having another child after their first was born, and it somehow makes me feel abnormal and grossly inadequate.

I do what I can now to turn it inside out.  I may dwell for a bit, or come in here and bitch - or both - but I really try to not let it get me down or question myself.

This is the decision we've made.  Despite my strength in multi-tasking, I find parenting difficult - and I find parenting 1 child less overwhelming than I would two.  I love my one child.  I love that he uses words like "stifled' and "appropriate" and "considering the circumstances" at 8 years old.  I love that he's good with younger children and has friends 2 to 4 years older than him.  I love that he is eager to please and enjoys school.  I love that he is flawed just like the rest of us - with my bad temper and his father's often ill-placed goofiness.  I love that he is more socially adept at 8 than I'll ever be.  I love that he wants to help and share his toys with his friends and give gifts to people "just because".

I could dwell in my failure as a mother, to provide him this gift of a sibling or to be the mother to him and some other unnamed, unformed, unknown child in addition to him.  But at what cost?  I'd way rather take that negative energy and turn it into a positive - help him build life-long relationships that will insulate him from that loneliness that some people seem to think is unique to only children (although it's a pretty frequent visitor to this oldest of 3 children), get myself fiscally prepared so he will never EVER have to worry about being my financial caretaker.  I'm going to be the best damn mother to 1 kid that I can be.


http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/29/whats-wrong-with-having-one-child/

http://faculty.mckendree.edu/scholars/2001/schilling.htm