icy rainbow

No...not a double rainbow.  I was driving to work today - there was a LOT of ice all over the trees and there was sort of a small bit of sun peeking behind the clouds.  As I drove over the bride over the Connecticut River on my way work, out popped a very faint rainbow.  It wasn't bright but it was definitely visible.  It was beautiful.  I had had this dream last night that was full of hope, too, so the combination of the two started my day off pretty well - I thought they were signs it was going to be a good day.

Or not.

Not much I can do except swallow my pride, take some deep breaths (which was actually harder than it sounds earlier today), and move along, hoping today is at least no worse, right?

In any event, in the midst of my day and drive home, I was thinking about people and friendships and relationships, and in true Andrea fashion, I was being a bit hard on myself and wondering if I go about these things all wrong.

I'm frustrated.
I'm tired of being the prodigal daughter, or feeling like one.  I feel like that sets me up for failure.  I have these small little missteps, shit my parents would totally let go if it weren't me doing them, and because it's me, they poke me with a damn stick over them.

I'm tired of being the good girl, the nice friend, the one who always does the right thing (supposedly).  I love that people can count on me and rely on me.  I think that's a double-edged sword, though.  Somehow, whenever someone is having a difficult time or is in any way upset with me, they can count on me just being understanding.  And I am.

But I still have feelings.  And sometimes, being that steady person, the one who will understand and try to do right by the people she cares about - I feel like my feelings get forgotten.

Just because I recognize that you're hurt or sad or upset or scared or angry doesn't mean I'm not having similar feelings.