"if it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad"

I never used to believe in the concept of a mid-life crisis.  It sounded like a cop-out, a good way to excuse shitty behavior around the age of 40.

Now that I am far too rapidly knocking on the door of age 40, what I realize that it may be exactly that for some.  But for some - and at least for me - it has nothing to do with a cop-out and everything to do with completely freaking out at the idea of aging, growing old, dying.  I don't think that the negative connotations with it are always without merit, because I think sometimes, that underlying fear, that deep scared feeling that runs through you when you start to ache in the mornings, when getting in shape seems like no small feat even if you used to be able to burn through a workout without blinking an eye - it can prompt you to act like a fool.  Why no buy that sports car you've wanted since you got your license?  You're not getting any younger and that money you're making is either going to buy it or pay for your kid's braces or put you in a home.  The car is much better than any other option.  You like that hot girl in the corner?  Well...

Again - none of this is license for behaving poorly.  Don't buy a sports car if you don't have the cash or if you have to cart around 2 car seats and a boatload of soccer equipment.  Don't cheat on your spouse - there is this little thing known as divorce if you're that miserable.

But - and of course, isn't there always a "but" - it does make these poor choices slightly more understandable.

I don't think there's a person on this earth who wants to face his/her mortality.  I know the concept of being dead is one of those things that races into mind occasionally, usually around 11:30pm on an idle Tuesday night when I'm already havinng trouble sleeping - and it scares the everliving shit out of me.  I usually try to think about something nice - my happy place for obvious reasons is the beach - so as to shove those thoughts out of my consciousness (and hopefully my dreams). 

And I think that "middle age" - mid 30s/early 40s - is when your mortality really becomes something present in your every day.  For the first time in your life, you understand why your parents would walk around the house groaning in pain simply because they got out of bed, or how your father managed to throw his back out lifting the toilet seat, or why the obituaries are suddenly more interesting.  It's frightening and it makes you think to yourself "This is MY life.  What do I have to show for it?  What have I done?  What are all the things I want to do but haven't done - because I couldn't afford it, because there was always more time, because I was afraid?  And - why the hell am I waiting to do them?"

I mention all this because I sit here on my couch knowing that when I stand up, there is a high likelihood that the tendon that holds my quad to my thigh bone will lock up and I will have to gimp my way to the bathroom.  I never had a problem with this tendon in all my years of running yet last summer it just started bothering me one day (and I was on a mostly complete hiatus from running at the time).  It hurt like hell for so long that I asked my orthopedic surgeon sister what was wrong, at which point she said it wasn't a bone issue and I was just old.  Yes, she's younger than I am.  Thanks sis.

My point is, for the first time in my life, I feel myself aging.  2 years ago, despite being *ahem* 35, I could delude myself and say i felt 22 - because aside from having a kid, I felt 22.  I felt like I looked 22.

I no longer have such delusions.  I feel old.  I feel like I look old.  I look in the "night cream" section at Walmart every time I'm there, hoping I can get enough moisture under my eyes to loosen up those quickly appearing bags without giving myself another fucking allergic reaction.  My stupid period is irregular (I know, TMI) despite being on the Pill.  I find myself watching what I eat not only to stay thin but also because there's just some food that I cannot eat anymore.  I eat Tums and now Papaya Enzyme by the handful.  I've become an old fogey.

And with this aging, I've been doing a lot of self-reflection.  I am a self-motivated planner, a perfectionist, and I'm also very easily scared.  With a few notable exceptions (some of which I'm proud of and others which make me want to hide my head in a paper bag permanently), I don't take risks.  At all.  This has made me a bit stifled in my life.  I took the tried and true path, the expected way - and for a long time, it felt right, like it was the path made for me.

But now that I feel myself on the other side of the hill of life...I'm not so sure it was.

I'm not miserable.  But I have had this sense of restlessness for about a decade now - a feeling I've largely tried to ignore, with varying degrees of success and failure, since I first noticed it.  I kept thinking that it was just human nature, to wonder "what if", to think you made some shitty choices or not the right ones.

Now I'm not so sure.  And that scares me.  But I think beyond that, it makes me realize what a midlife crisis is, why it's so inherently human to have one, and why I find myself most likely smack dab in the middle of one.

My goal is to not act like a complete ass because of it.  I admit, I did cut about 4 inches off my hair last week in a very (for me) knee-jerk decision.  I've done a few other boneheaded things, like drinking slightly too much at a work function, recently.  But for the most part, I'm trying to take this crisis and make it productive.

It hasn't been easy, and I don't think it will continue to be.  It's been a weird and challenging couple of months and if the last few days are any indication, I have a lot more self-reflection to do, and maybe more changes to make.

The irony of a midlife crisis is when it occurs - in the middle of your LIFE.  duh, right??  But the ironic part is that the very reason it occurs - because you're getting older and seeing yourself as a fully formed person - is also part of the reason it's so complicated.  In the middle of your life, you're often dealing with kids who are no longer babies, and parents who aren't getting any younger.  Your life is a series of responsibilities - parenting, helping your parents, working, being a productive member of society - and here you are, in dire need of paying some attention to yourself.

I don't know how to do that.  I don't know how to balance that.  I take every role in my life very seriously - I don't know how to give the role of being Andrea enough serious attention to get rid of this restlessness, to make sure that the second half of my life I will feel less like I did the "expected right thing" to everyone else, and more like I did the very right thing for ME.  For ANDREA.

After all - it's MY life.  Shouldn't I be living it for me?

I wish - I wish - it were that damn simple.