I've read plenty of books about birth order - and most of them resonate with me. You see, I'm a first born and, what's more, there's a sizeable gap (3.5 years) between me and my brother. I was an only child for a good long while (what with onlies and eldests being so similar). I am like a walking textbook - sort of - of an eldest child.
You know what I mean?
I am the good girl.
I am the kid that was the good example, that did things in the right order - finished high school, college, grad school, good job, marriage, kid.
My siblings took divergent paths. And I don't begrudge them for that. In fact, in a way, I'm a bit jealous that they dared to take the road less traveled, so to speak.
Don't get me wrong - I have had my share of intrigue, mystery, lapses, and downright missteps in taking the "right" path. I'm not so sure following that straight road was the right decision for me all the time. In fact, I know it wasn't.
But here I am. I'm rapidly approaching my 38th birthday. I have a great - albeit challenging - kid and a marriage that is, well, not exactly stellar, but now 12+ years old somehow. Pick a big life event - I've done it.
So as the oldest - I've done it. This means that I have somehow set the bar, and somehow - YEAH RIGHT - become the expert, the go-to girl.
I love that my siblings look up to me. I love that they regard me as someone who knows what she's doing - although clearly, I don't. I am in awe that they look at me in that light.
But it is OVERWHELMING to me. I've had one marriage that I'm not exactly great at. I have one kid who I have clearly fucked up in a mild sense over the last 9+ years. I'm still fucking him up and now that he's taken the big leap into the 'tween years, I have a whole new set of challenges - body parts changing, weird smells, strange relationship challenges with girls - the list goes on and on and the fact is, I don't have a hope for a clue how to navigate it. Luckily, I have friends with like-aged children, so we mutually vent, compare notes, and giggle over our general level of cluelessness.
The fact is, I'm not expert. I have my own child and husband-related oddities and confusions to deal with. I don't really have someone to go to, to ask what to do because my over-achieving, verbally gifted 9 year old was crushed when he "only" got a 91 on his first language arts test of 4th grade. I was equally crushed by such things as a kid and I don't know how to help him. I didn't know how to breastfeed him when he wouldn't latch due to my uber-flat nipples, and I didn't know why 1-2-3 Magic didn't seem to work for him.
I can make suggestions and I can try to be helpful, but I feel grossly inadequate and, what's worse, it just adds to my sense of overwhelmedness. And makes me feel like a suck-ass "good example".
SIGH. Perfectionism sucks. Curses, you crazy personality traits that come with being the first-born!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
the long climb up back into the saddle
I'm back. My hope is that I'm back for a while, on a more regular basis, but life tends to hand me all kinds of weird crap that derails me from my time where I can be me - like here.
It's been a hell of a summer. I got a no-money, no-title "promotion" (so that's not actually a promotion, really, is it now? just the blessing of a job when my boss no longer has one, and the opportunity to manage a group of 7 people with no real management title). It's been an interesting road since that officially took effect a month ago. I feel like I have an ally in my new boss and in the peer of mine who has the same role managing the other half of our dysfunctional team. I"m doing my best, but when they tapped us on the shoulders to take on these new roles, they didn't take away 1 slice of our jobs - and we were both already over-allocated. Oh well, it's a chance to try to prove to the people who don't know me, or don't know what more I can do, that I'm not just a kick-ass BA, but I can be a great leader, mentor, and peer to other managers.
I became an auntie (again) to my sister's son who barged into our lives a bit late in the middle of Hurricane Irene. He was born with major amounts of disinterest in joining us (my sister's OB described him as "cozy inside"), in the midst of a storm that would knock Connecticut on its ass for several days...
I somehow worked with 2 other crazy individuals from my itty bitty high school to pull off one of the more disorganized events I've ever worked on - my 20th high school reunion. It was a success and probably the first time in a very long time that I've gotten sufficiently drunk so as to be concerned that I would be rather ill and to drive me to spending numerous hours on the couch drinking water the following day. It was fun to reconnect with some people that have only been names attached to Facebook profiles, though - even if for just that one evening for now. It was also an ugly reminder of the fact that I am rapidly approaching my 38th birthday, and high school was, in fact, more than half my life ago now.
It's funny. I see the kids lingering outside the upperclass housing at Wesleyan when driving through Middletown and think "damn kids, they look like babies". Yet I realize that part of the problem is that, while I intellectually know I was that same baby-faced kid in the fall of 1991, I don't actually *feel* that much older than then - at least not unless I make an ill-fated attempt at running for several days in a row. Oh I know how old I am, and I know that as the parent of a 9 year old, it's unlikely that I'm actually a 17 year old college freshman. But I don't feel that much older. Or that much more mature. Or wiser.
Strange how life works because if I do stop and take a breath, I know I'm older. But I don't feel all that different - I'm equally as clueless about the stage of my life I'm in now as I was when I wandered through Hanover to Hanover High to have my work permit signed way back in September 1991. My cluelessness has changed from not being sure how the hell I could manage to graduate, let alone excel, at my Ivy League college of choice when so many of my classmates were light years ahead of me, to now wondering what I'm going to do about parenting a 'tween, who announced at dinner (in a restaurant) tonight that if he crosses his legs too tight, it hurts his balls more than it used to...
I'm waxing philosophical and thinking back to my college years because I find myself a bit uncomfortable in my skin lately. It's odd in a way. When I was 17, I didn't know who I was at all. I was awkward and geeky and gawky and a downright nerd. I was shy and quiet and felt like a loser most of the time.
At 37, I know I'm a nerd and I'm comfortable with that - proud of it, really. I wish my body were a bit more toned (who doesn't?) but I love it anyway, especially my great legs and ass. ;-) I know that I am great at my job, well-respected, and I don't really feel socially awkward anymore. I found a niche of people who like me for who I am. And I know who I am.
I think the problem is that, now that I know who I am, that person doesn't really feel to fit quite right inside my life. It's not as bad as a square peg in a round hole, but maybe more like a round peg in a slightly too small hole.
The thing about life is that depending on the road you follow, you make a lot of significant choices about where you're headed when you're young - 22, 23, 24 - and despite thinking otherwise, probably aren't yet fully formed. I think I was probably 30 or 31 before I really was in tune to who I was.
And now, 6 or 7 years later, I've gotten used to that person I am and I'm wondering exactly how I wound up where I'm at. Don't get me wrong - I don't regret where I am. I love my son and I have a great career. But something still doesn't feel quite right.
Hubby would argue that this is where my over-thinking gets the best of me, and maybe he's right. But maybe he isn't. The thing is, this isn't about what I THINK so much as what I feel.
I feel antsy.
So here I am, back in my blog, trying to figure out why and, more importantly, what to do about it.
In 9 short years, my now-4th grader will be waving goodbye to us from a dorm room somewhere. I'll start a new stage in my life again, this time as a parent from afar. Thinking that it's been 9 years since I brought that screaming, poor-feeding, jaundiced 7lb baby home, it suddenly doesn't feel too far away.
So I need to get my shit together.
It's been a hell of a summer. I got a no-money, no-title "promotion" (so that's not actually a promotion, really, is it now? just the blessing of a job when my boss no longer has one, and the opportunity to manage a group of 7 people with no real management title). It's been an interesting road since that officially took effect a month ago. I feel like I have an ally in my new boss and in the peer of mine who has the same role managing the other half of our dysfunctional team. I"m doing my best, but when they tapped us on the shoulders to take on these new roles, they didn't take away 1 slice of our jobs - and we were both already over-allocated. Oh well, it's a chance to try to prove to the people who don't know me, or don't know what more I can do, that I'm not just a kick-ass BA, but I can be a great leader, mentor, and peer to other managers.
I became an auntie (again) to my sister's son who barged into our lives a bit late in the middle of Hurricane Irene. He was born with major amounts of disinterest in joining us (my sister's OB described him as "cozy inside"), in the midst of a storm that would knock Connecticut on its ass for several days...
I somehow worked with 2 other crazy individuals from my itty bitty high school to pull off one of the more disorganized events I've ever worked on - my 20th high school reunion. It was a success and probably the first time in a very long time that I've gotten sufficiently drunk so as to be concerned that I would be rather ill and to drive me to spending numerous hours on the couch drinking water the following day. It was fun to reconnect with some people that have only been names attached to Facebook profiles, though - even if for just that one evening for now. It was also an ugly reminder of the fact that I am rapidly approaching my 38th birthday, and high school was, in fact, more than half my life ago now.
It's funny. I see the kids lingering outside the upperclass housing at Wesleyan when driving through Middletown and think "damn kids, they look like babies". Yet I realize that part of the problem is that, while I intellectually know I was that same baby-faced kid in the fall of 1991, I don't actually *feel* that much older than then - at least not unless I make an ill-fated attempt at running for several days in a row. Oh I know how old I am, and I know that as the parent of a 9 year old, it's unlikely that I'm actually a 17 year old college freshman. But I don't feel that much older. Or that much more mature. Or wiser.
Strange how life works because if I do stop and take a breath, I know I'm older. But I don't feel all that different - I'm equally as clueless about the stage of my life I'm in now as I was when I wandered through Hanover to Hanover High to have my work permit signed way back in September 1991. My cluelessness has changed from not being sure how the hell I could manage to graduate, let alone excel, at my Ivy League college of choice when so many of my classmates were light years ahead of me, to now wondering what I'm going to do about parenting a 'tween, who announced at dinner (in a restaurant) tonight that if he crosses his legs too tight, it hurts his balls more than it used to...
I'm waxing philosophical and thinking back to my college years because I find myself a bit uncomfortable in my skin lately. It's odd in a way. When I was 17, I didn't know who I was at all. I was awkward and geeky and gawky and a downright nerd. I was shy and quiet and felt like a loser most of the time.
At 37, I know I'm a nerd and I'm comfortable with that - proud of it, really. I wish my body were a bit more toned (who doesn't?) but I love it anyway, especially my great legs and ass. ;-) I know that I am great at my job, well-respected, and I don't really feel socially awkward anymore. I found a niche of people who like me for who I am. And I know who I am.
I think the problem is that, now that I know who I am, that person doesn't really feel to fit quite right inside my life. It's not as bad as a square peg in a round hole, but maybe more like a round peg in a slightly too small hole.
The thing about life is that depending on the road you follow, you make a lot of significant choices about where you're headed when you're young - 22, 23, 24 - and despite thinking otherwise, probably aren't yet fully formed. I think I was probably 30 or 31 before I really was in tune to who I was.
And now, 6 or 7 years later, I've gotten used to that person I am and I'm wondering exactly how I wound up where I'm at. Don't get me wrong - I don't regret where I am. I love my son and I have a great career. But something still doesn't feel quite right.
Hubby would argue that this is where my over-thinking gets the best of me, and maybe he's right. But maybe he isn't. The thing is, this isn't about what I THINK so much as what I feel.
I feel antsy.
So here I am, back in my blog, trying to figure out why and, more importantly, what to do about it.
In 9 short years, my now-4th grader will be waving goodbye to us from a dorm room somewhere. I'll start a new stage in my life again, this time as a parent from afar. Thinking that it's been 9 years since I brought that screaming, poor-feeding, jaundiced 7lb baby home, it suddenly doesn't feel too far away.
So I need to get my shit together.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
overwhelmedness breeds blogging avoidance
It's June, and I haven't written in here in far too long. I'm happy to report that I have gotten my shit together, at least slightly, when it comes to working out. Some weeks are better than others, but overall, I think I'm doing ok. I need to do more - but I feel like I've been more on track at least for the last 3 or 4 weeks. Of course, tonight my stomach decided to give me some minor trouble (typical - stupid IBS) and so I skipped my workout routine, but it's my first day off since Saturday, so I'm giving myself a free pass.
Otherwise, life has been overwhelming. That's all I can say. I have been on a rollercoaster, both personally and professionally. I don't want to dive too deeply into things right now. All I can say is that no matter what, lately, as soon as I think maybe things have evened out, I'm thrown for another loop.
The good news is that through all of this, I am blessed by a few incredible friends. I know I've said that before, but I can't say enough how fortunate I am to have a few amazingly supportive people around me in my life. I suspect that as I end this current decade of my life, I will be faced with some big choices and significant changes, and I feel very lucky that I will have these chosen few people there to walk alongside me.
Oh and my baby turned 9 a couple of weeks ago. UNREAL. REALLY!
I have been knitting. My sister expecting a baby is good impetus for that. :-) My sister and brother-in-law opted to not find out the gender of the baby, which has left them stuck with a heap of lame gender-neutral items. Neither of them are a fan of pastels (who is really?) but prefer bright colors.
So what better choice for a baby due in late August, whose parents' anniversary is the day before Halloween, then a pumpkin hat and bootie set. SUPER CUTE. Making things is a nice distraction from my day-to-day life chaos, and some of my underlying loneliness and unhappiness.
Otherwise, life has been overwhelming. That's all I can say. I have been on a rollercoaster, both personally and professionally. I don't want to dive too deeply into things right now. All I can say is that no matter what, lately, as soon as I think maybe things have evened out, I'm thrown for another loop.
The good news is that through all of this, I am blessed by a few incredible friends. I know I've said that before, but I can't say enough how fortunate I am to have a few amazingly supportive people around me in my life. I suspect that as I end this current decade of my life, I will be faced with some big choices and significant changes, and I feel very lucky that I will have these chosen few people there to walk alongside me.
Oh and my baby turned 9 a couple of weeks ago. UNREAL. REALLY!
I have been knitting. My sister expecting a baby is good impetus for that. :-) My sister and brother-in-law opted to not find out the gender of the baby, which has left them stuck with a heap of lame gender-neutral items. Neither of them are a fan of pastels (who is really?) but prefer bright colors.
So what better choice for a baby due in late August, whose parents' anniversary is the day before Halloween, then a pumpkin hat and bootie set. SUPER CUTE. Making things is a nice distraction from my day-to-day life chaos, and some of my underlying loneliness and unhappiness.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I need to get myself together
One of Hubby's other cousins posted some of her photos from the wedding we went to last Sunday and, much to my dismay and horror, my face looks way too round and double-chinned in a few of them. I have not been thrilled with my body lately. I am not a stress eater with 1 noteable exception. When I am sad, I eat chocolate like nobody's business. Since I have been quite sad since early January, I have ingested far too much chocolate - sometimes handfuls a day. And it shows. My pants are a bit snug and now apparently my face is showing it too.
So I must and I mean MUST get myself and my act together. Enough of this eating like crap. Hubby doesn't eat like crap. G doesn't eat like crap. I'm not half as bad as many people but my days of being able to eat whatever I want and not gain a couple of pounds are OVER.
I need to try to wrestle out that gym time a couple of days a week (I've been better lately except this week - but not consistently enough). And I need to get outside on the weekends and MOVE. C'mon weather, enough with these winds and rains and general lousy New England non-spring.
Ugh. I know I am in better shape than the average bear and at my size, am in no way overweight. But I'm not happy and with my history of anorexia, I better get my act together before I do something stupid. I skipped lunch twice this week - I'm rapidly marching towards that road of stupidity and danger.
UGH. UGH.
So I must and I mean MUST get myself and my act together. Enough of this eating like crap. Hubby doesn't eat like crap. G doesn't eat like crap. I'm not half as bad as many people but my days of being able to eat whatever I want and not gain a couple of pounds are OVER.
I need to try to wrestle out that gym time a couple of days a week (I've been better lately except this week - but not consistently enough). And I need to get outside on the weekends and MOVE. C'mon weather, enough with these winds and rains and general lousy New England non-spring.
Ugh. I know I am in better shape than the average bear and at my size, am in no way overweight. But I'm not happy and with my history of anorexia, I better get my act together before I do something stupid. I skipped lunch twice this week - I'm rapidly marching towards that road of stupidity and danger.
UGH. UGH.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
chipped granite
Before you bounded into my life
A free spirt full of energy and vigor, ready to live
I'd carved a little life out for myself
chipped it out of a hard slab of granite.
It was roughly hewn and I wasn't entirely
Satisfied with how it had turned out
But the granite was so hard
I had assumed that what I'd chipped and shaped
Was the way that it would always be
Yes there would be a pebble that crumbled off occasionally
A change in direction, a slight bend in the road
But that life I'd sculpted
It would never be substantially different
From that chipped slab of granite.
You came into my life like an explosion
A stick of dynamite that did far more
Than chip that life I'd carved
Within moments, that scultputre was dramatically
Reshaped
I was unable to stand back early on and examine
How the shape had morphed into something
Similar, but yet decidedly better, yet less clear.
It would take time before the excitement and chaos
Of your explosion into my life
Revealed itself to my heart and soul - and my mind.
It's been many years since your initial stumble, tumble
Screeching run into this staid and solid life
I had chiseled out for myself
Since you took that benign sculpture
And guided my hand to make it quirky, softer
More complete
It was only after the proverbial dust settled
After I acclimated myself to you being there in some form
Leading me to approach life ever so slightly differently
Look at it from a unique angle
And picture it not around me, but for me, as a part of me
That I realized the impact you had had, and would always have
How much you changed that simple little sculpture
Into a piece that so much more accurately reflected me.
Now as suddenly as you burst into my life
And changed and chipped that rock hard granite
You've changed your own sculpture
In the end, my hand brought those changes
Though I did not guide them but instead inadvertently forced them
I truly hope I chipped a little here and there, too - made things smoother
Or clearer, or more shiny
But maybe I'll never know that for sure.
And now, now, you're gone.
Or mostly gone.
You certainly are not over my shoulder
Wanting to help shape that sculpture, guide that chisel.
I look at the chunk of granite that is my life
And these years have taught me that
This chisel in my hand is really mine to guide
But without you here to show me who I am
Remind me that I can do this
I don't know how.
A free spirt full of energy and vigor, ready to live
I'd carved a little life out for myself
chipped it out of a hard slab of granite.
It was roughly hewn and I wasn't entirely
Satisfied with how it had turned out
But the granite was so hard
I had assumed that what I'd chipped and shaped
Was the way that it would always be
Yes there would be a pebble that crumbled off occasionally
A change in direction, a slight bend in the road
But that life I'd sculpted
It would never be substantially different
From that chipped slab of granite.
You came into my life like an explosion
A stick of dynamite that did far more
Than chip that life I'd carved
Within moments, that scultputre was dramatically
Reshaped
I was unable to stand back early on and examine
How the shape had morphed into something
Similar, but yet decidedly better, yet less clear.
It would take time before the excitement and chaos
Of your explosion into my life
Revealed itself to my heart and soul - and my mind.
It's been many years since your initial stumble, tumble
Screeching run into this staid and solid life
I had chiseled out for myself
Since you took that benign sculpture
And guided my hand to make it quirky, softer
More complete
It was only after the proverbial dust settled
After I acclimated myself to you being there in some form
Leading me to approach life ever so slightly differently
Look at it from a unique angle
And picture it not around me, but for me, as a part of me
That I realized the impact you had had, and would always have
How much you changed that simple little sculpture
Into a piece that so much more accurately reflected me.
Now as suddenly as you burst into my life
And changed and chipped that rock hard granite
You've changed your own sculpture
In the end, my hand brought those changes
Though I did not guide them but instead inadvertently forced them
I truly hope I chipped a little here and there, too - made things smoother
Or clearer, or more shiny
But maybe I'll never know that for sure.
And now, now, you're gone.
Or mostly gone.
You certainly are not over my shoulder
Wanting to help shape that sculpture, guide that chisel.
I look at the chunk of granite that is my life
And these years have taught me that
This chisel in my hand is really mine to guide
But without you here to show me who I am
Remind me that I can do this
I don't know how.
I haven't blogged enough lately...
...and I miss it. I can feel myself getting more and more disjointed and easily frustrated. I need to make time to clear my head more regularly. I feel a little like I have so much nervous energy that I am teetering on the edge of being more creative than usual. Weird, huh?
Check out the 2 shots I snapped at Hubby's cousin's son's (follow that?) wedding on Sunday. These are not at all posed - I had put down my wine and taken my shoes off and had my toes in the sand, trying to collect myself (since I have major anxiety over weddings) and enjoy the peace of the beach. I saw the way the shoes and glass were accidentally laid out and just had to capture it. I love them...
Check out the 2 shots I snapped at Hubby's cousin's son's (follow that?) wedding on Sunday. These are not at all posed - I had put down my wine and taken my shoes off and had my toes in the sand, trying to collect myself (since I have major anxiety over weddings) and enjoy the peace of the beach. I saw the way the shoes and glass were accidentally laid out and just had to capture it. I love them...
Sunday, April 10, 2011
my foot's asleep
Literally, at this moment in time, my foot is asleep. The asleep feeling is migrating up my leg too. I hate that pins and needles feeling, and it drives me batty how long it lingers.
The irony, of course, is that this is the least of my problems, and all of my body parts to go numb, I would prefer it was my heart over anything else right now.
I've written about the concept of a mid-life crisis before, and how I can understand how they happen. I think I've written that as some justification to the way I've been feeling for the last several months. I feel itchy and twitchy and restless and confused. My relationships seem to be unstable and teetering and ready to tumble - my friendships and in some ways my marriage too. I love my job and yet I feel like I'm spinning my wheels unable to crash through the glass ceiling above me. I'm disappointed that my boss "forgot" I hit the maximum in my salary grade until AFTER she'd asked for promotions and raise money, thereby leaving me with no raise this year and no plan on how I'm going to get promoted this year (which I have to do to get a raise) given that I'm working 60 hours a week on a project that doesn't challenge me in any way that is promotion-worthy. I'm overwhelmed by trying to be a good parent, especially because I'm trying to insulate my child from this low point in our marriage.
*** Sidebar. Do not get me wrong. The lack of raise pissed me off, especially given how dedicated I am and how hard I work. But I'm not stupid. I consider myself extremely lucky to be employed. I don't want to sound ungrateful by bitching about my lack of money given how well-employed and well-compensated I am. But it still stung.
So I feel disoriented and confused and completely inadequate. And I don't like it.
I hopefully have a lot of life left to live, and I want to live it happily and fulfilled - and I'm not sure I've positioned myself to do that.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and lately that seems to either get me basically screwed over because I'm "too nice" or when I guard myself, it leads me to being accused of being cold.
I don't feel like I want anything too crazy - just to be loved and cared for and appreciated not for what I do, but who I am - the person I am and can be.
I'm just frustrated and I need to change things - not sure how the hell to do that though.
So for now I'm fixating on my foot - which is finally not asleep - and wondering if I'm making my heart numb in an effort to just insulate myself from life. UGH.
The irony, of course, is that this is the least of my problems, and all of my body parts to go numb, I would prefer it was my heart over anything else right now.
I've written about the concept of a mid-life crisis before, and how I can understand how they happen. I think I've written that as some justification to the way I've been feeling for the last several months. I feel itchy and twitchy and restless and confused. My relationships seem to be unstable and teetering and ready to tumble - my friendships and in some ways my marriage too. I love my job and yet I feel like I'm spinning my wheels unable to crash through the glass ceiling above me. I'm disappointed that my boss "forgot" I hit the maximum in my salary grade until AFTER she'd asked for promotions and raise money, thereby leaving me with no raise this year and no plan on how I'm going to get promoted this year (which I have to do to get a raise) given that I'm working 60 hours a week on a project that doesn't challenge me in any way that is promotion-worthy. I'm overwhelmed by trying to be a good parent, especially because I'm trying to insulate my child from this low point in our marriage.
*** Sidebar. Do not get me wrong. The lack of raise pissed me off, especially given how dedicated I am and how hard I work. But I'm not stupid. I consider myself extremely lucky to be employed. I don't want to sound ungrateful by bitching about my lack of money given how well-employed and well-compensated I am. But it still stung.
So I feel disoriented and confused and completely inadequate. And I don't like it.
I hopefully have a lot of life left to live, and I want to live it happily and fulfilled - and I'm not sure I've positioned myself to do that.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and lately that seems to either get me basically screwed over because I'm "too nice" or when I guard myself, it leads me to being accused of being cold.
I don't feel like I want anything too crazy - just to be loved and cared for and appreciated not for what I do, but who I am - the person I am and can be.
I'm just frustrated and I need to change things - not sure how the hell to do that though.
So for now I'm fixating on my foot - which is finally not asleep - and wondering if I'm making my heart numb in an effort to just insulate myself from life. UGH.
Monday, April 4, 2011
straight in the face
Reality hurts
Reality aches
Reality makes you face decisions and choices
Situations that are difficult, roads you can't bear
To follow.
Reality is real.
Fantasy is an escape, a pleasant trip
Down a road paved with gold
Where it never rains
No one ever cries
Hearts never break.
Find your reality
Choose what you need to be real
And make it real.
Life shouldn't ache all the time
Your mistakes become the fabric of
Who you are
But not the noose on which you must
Continue to hang
Not the whip
With which you must be beaten.
Your life has hit a dip
A low dark point
Tears are shed by many
Hearts ache, break, are crushed.
Yours included.
Do not forget that.
Your feelings are no less important
Than those of the people you
Care for, the people you may have hurt.
You can regret what you did
How you behaved
What you said.
But none of that negates
Your own broken heart.
Your reality is this
It's here
You have decisions to make
Paralysis gets you nowhere
Quickly.
Choose a direction and
Commit to it
Fully.
Remove the guilt
And remember this.
This life is all you have
At the end of your day
You will only have you
Who you are, what you've done
Who you've brought with you
In this journey.
Forgive yourself
The guilt is there and it will never leave
Until you ask for forgiveness
From those you hurt
And yourself.
But that guilt cannot be
The impetus for your future actions.
Look at the why.
Why you did what you did.
What you hoped for
What you wanted
What you yearned for.
Find it.
This is the only life you have.
Running down this road is lonely enough.
Do not purposely choose to keep it
A dark and isolating place
Simply because that feels "right" or "best".
Reality aches
Reality makes you face decisions and choices
Situations that are difficult, roads you can't bear
To follow.
Reality is real.
Fantasy is an escape, a pleasant trip
Down a road paved with gold
Where it never rains
No one ever cries
Hearts never break.
Find your reality
Choose what you need to be real
And make it real.
Life shouldn't ache all the time
Your mistakes become the fabric of
Who you are
But not the noose on which you must
Continue to hang
Not the whip
With which you must be beaten.
Your life has hit a dip
A low dark point
Tears are shed by many
Hearts ache, break, are crushed.
Yours included.
Do not forget that.
Your feelings are no less important
Than those of the people you
Care for, the people you may have hurt.
You can regret what you did
How you behaved
What you said.
But none of that negates
Your own broken heart.
Your reality is this
It's here
You have decisions to make
Paralysis gets you nowhere
Quickly.
Choose a direction and
Commit to it
Fully.
Remove the guilt
And remember this.
This life is all you have
At the end of your day
You will only have you
Who you are, what you've done
Who you've brought with you
In this journey.
Forgive yourself
The guilt is there and it will never leave
Until you ask for forgiveness
From those you hurt
And yourself.
But that guilt cannot be
The impetus for your future actions.
Look at the why.
Why you did what you did.
What you hoped for
What you wanted
What you yearned for.
Find it.
This is the only life you have.
Running down this road is lonely enough.
Do not purposely choose to keep it
A dark and isolating place
Simply because that feels "right" or "best".
along it marches
Today has been another one of those days that's reminded me just how quickly time marches on - and how that reality just sneaks up on you.
If I'm honest, the feeling actually started over the weekend. My sister T and my BIL M came to visit. T just hit 20 weeks pregnant and, while i've known she was expecting for a few months now, this was the first time she was visibly pregnant. It was so weird! We went and did (quite a lot of) baby shopping on Saturday and I was reminded that it was 9+ years ago now that I was doing something similar. 9+ years. 10 years in September, right after 9/11, I found out I was having G. Crazy. It seems like just yesterday but then I look at the strapping young man that is my son and it feels like a lifetime ago.
Sunday morning, G had a soccer game, his last indoor game on the combined U9/U10 team. They played in a mixed league and the team they were playing on Sunday was obviously mostly U11. I watched him bravely and tenaciously go up against boys who are 50+ lbs heavier and 6+ inches taller than him (and he isn't small)! He had 2 assists and 3 shots on goal and my normally spazzy kid played focused and hard.
The hits came coming today. G had his very first clarinet lesson tonight. His instructor mistook him for a 5th grader! Then I heard my little man, who's only picked up the clarinet once before tonight, play 2 different songs.
We came home and after dinner we were snuggling when I smelled it. It was light and subtle but I've never noticed it before. Body odor. Not mine (that I've unfortunately smelled plenty - yuck) - G's! My almost 9 year old smelled sweaty - and not that little baby sweaty or toddler sweaty. TWEEN sweaty.
The calendar tells me he's almost 9 and that that is a rapid approach intot he tween years. And I'm not sad that he's growing up. But it's WEIRD. It seems to have happened much much faster than I expected. Especially during those dark, colic, silent reflux baby days when I wasn't sure I'd make it to the next morning.
Friggin' time. When you're a little kid, you wish it away. When you're an adult, you're in a hurry for your next vacation, or the weekend, or a day off. But then things take your break away and make you realize just how quickly time is marching on - and how frightening that can be when you think about it, what it means, where you're marching to.
If I'm honest, the feeling actually started over the weekend. My sister T and my BIL M came to visit. T just hit 20 weeks pregnant and, while i've known she was expecting for a few months now, this was the first time she was visibly pregnant. It was so weird! We went and did (quite a lot of) baby shopping on Saturday and I was reminded that it was 9+ years ago now that I was doing something similar. 9+ years. 10 years in September, right after 9/11, I found out I was having G. Crazy. It seems like just yesterday but then I look at the strapping young man that is my son and it feels like a lifetime ago.
Sunday morning, G had a soccer game, his last indoor game on the combined U9/U10 team. They played in a mixed league and the team they were playing on Sunday was obviously mostly U11. I watched him bravely and tenaciously go up against boys who are 50+ lbs heavier and 6+ inches taller than him (and he isn't small)! He had 2 assists and 3 shots on goal and my normally spazzy kid played focused and hard.
The hits came coming today. G had his very first clarinet lesson tonight. His instructor mistook him for a 5th grader! Then I heard my little man, who's only picked up the clarinet once before tonight, play 2 different songs.
We came home and after dinner we were snuggling when I smelled it. It was light and subtle but I've never noticed it before. Body odor. Not mine (that I've unfortunately smelled plenty - yuck) - G's! My almost 9 year old smelled sweaty - and not that little baby sweaty or toddler sweaty. TWEEN sweaty.
The calendar tells me he's almost 9 and that that is a rapid approach intot he tween years. And I'm not sad that he's growing up. But it's WEIRD. It seems to have happened much much faster than I expected. Especially during those dark, colic, silent reflux baby days when I wasn't sure I'd make it to the next morning.
Friggin' time. When you're a little kid, you wish it away. When you're an adult, you're in a hurry for your next vacation, or the weekend, or a day off. But then things take your break away and make you realize just how quickly time is marching on - and how frightening that can be when you think about it, what it means, where you're marching to.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
blogger junior and a discombobulated spaz
About a week ago, my almost 9 year old approached me and said "Mom, I think I want to start keeping a journal. Can we get me a notebook to do that?" I asked him why and he said "I want to write down my thoughts - you know, like a diary?" I told him I understood - I told him that I have one (really two) online journal of my own, where I write down notes about my day, little (terrible) poems, music lyrics, etc. He thought that was cool and "It's pretty neat that I came up with my own idea to keep a journal - like you Mom!" It was cute.
So tonight he got out his journal to write and informed me that he is a "word accumulator" - "You know, Mom, I accumulate a lot of words that I then use frequently." I love hearing him talk like a little old man. ;-)
In other news...I'm having another rough go of it. The situation I had that I thought had evened out took a really - and I mean really - bad turn yesterday. This is "fun" to deal with...right.
Needless to say, I've been distracted and preoccupied. This leaves me ditzier (is that a word?) than usual. So first, yesterday, one of my co-workers in a way meant to be totally jokey messed with me. I missed it. Like it flew ENTIRELY over my head and lead me to do about 15 minutes of completely unnecessary work. COMPLETELY. He felt so bad he apologized to me for the rest of the day. It definitely wasn't his fault - it was actually pretty funny - but I knew that was a bad indication of me and my completely fried brain.
Then today, in addition to getting nabbed crying at my desk (over exhaustion, frustration, and some serious heartbreak), I was examining my new hot red platform shoes that I bought a couple of months ago that I finally wore today (peep toes) DESPITE the fact that we had snow.
hmm....why is this shoe a 9 - did I buy 9s?
look at other shoe
oh shit, this shoe is an 8.5.
I bought 2 different sized shoes.
That sealed it. I've complete and utterly lost my mind.
----
To add real insult to injury - late this afternoon, a thorn in the side of my life for the last 2 decades decided to rear her ugly head again. I won't get into it beyond saying this:
Emotional manipulation, blackmail, and entitlement are nasty character flaws.
So tonight he got out his journal to write and informed me that he is a "word accumulator" - "You know, Mom, I accumulate a lot of words that I then use frequently." I love hearing him talk like a little old man. ;-)
In other news...I'm having another rough go of it. The situation I had that I thought had evened out took a really - and I mean really - bad turn yesterday. This is "fun" to deal with...right.
Needless to say, I've been distracted and preoccupied. This leaves me ditzier (is that a word?) than usual. So first, yesterday, one of my co-workers in a way meant to be totally jokey messed with me. I missed it. Like it flew ENTIRELY over my head and lead me to do about 15 minutes of completely unnecessary work. COMPLETELY. He felt so bad he apologized to me for the rest of the day. It definitely wasn't his fault - it was actually pretty funny - but I knew that was a bad indication of me and my completely fried brain.
Then today, in addition to getting nabbed crying at my desk (over exhaustion, frustration, and some serious heartbreak), I was examining my new hot red platform shoes that I bought a couple of months ago that I finally wore today (peep toes) DESPITE the fact that we had snow.
hmm....why is this shoe a 9 - did I buy 9s?
look at other shoe
oh shit, this shoe is an 8.5.
I bought 2 different sized shoes.
That sealed it. I've complete and utterly lost my mind.
----
To add real insult to injury - late this afternoon, a thorn in the side of my life for the last 2 decades decided to rear her ugly head again. I won't get into it beyond saying this:
Emotional manipulation, blackmail, and entitlement are nasty character flaws.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
simply exhausted
I don't recall being as slammed by daylight savings time and the time change as badly in the past as I have been this year. Maybe it's old age. Maybe it's too much stress and confusion. Maybe I'm just lame. But I am having a hell of a time with it this year. I am so damn tired. I have turned off my alarms the last 2 days and fell back to sleep. This morning I woke up absolutely panicked, and rightly so - it was 6:30. Dear lord that is SO late.
I have been trying to be better about getting to the gym, thinking the exercise would help. That is a frustrating endeavor. Hubby has activities at least 1-2 nights per week. I have meetings until 5 a couple of nights a week. I went to the gym last night but unless I feel so inclined to go on Friday night (I don't), I think that's the only night I can go this week.
I am supposed to be helping G practice the mile run for school, so maybe we can do that this weekend. Tomorrow night is out due to Cub Scouts...ugh...it's always something. I ask again how the hell people with more than 1 child do this without losing their minds.
My life is relatively boring otherwise. I have been listening to Adele's new CD - "21" a lot lately. It is fabulous. I highly recommend it.
I have been trying to be better about getting to the gym, thinking the exercise would help. That is a frustrating endeavor. Hubby has activities at least 1-2 nights per week. I have meetings until 5 a couple of nights a week. I went to the gym last night but unless I feel so inclined to go on Friday night (I don't), I think that's the only night I can go this week.
I am supposed to be helping G practice the mile run for school, so maybe we can do that this weekend. Tomorrow night is out due to Cub Scouts...ugh...it's always something. I ask again how the hell people with more than 1 child do this without losing their minds.
My life is relatively boring otherwise. I have been listening to Adele's new CD - "21" a lot lately. It is fabulous. I highly recommend it.
Friday, March 11, 2011
again with the weird twists and turns of life
Tonight's blog may be a stream of consciousness type thing. Bear with me. I had 3 glasses of pinot noir out with friends tonight and, generally speaking, it's been one hell of a week.
So my "baby" - my soon to be 9 year old baby - had his first ever orthodontist appointment today. Next week he gets fitted for headgear and, soon after that, for braces on his front 4 teeth. Braces? BRACES?? It's rare that I have the "OH GOD MY BABY IS GROWING UP" moments but let me tell you, this has been one. He's growing up fast, and he's really getting hit with it hard. He suddenly started having trouble sleeping because he decided he was 'too big' to sleep with his babies. He loves school but he's fidgety (ADHD? we are trying to find out) and makes careless mistakes. He's gifted but doesn't test well. He'd rather read his own books about WW II than the 3rd grader readers they give him. He loves soccer and loves older kids. We bought him a "special occasion only phone". Yet I vividly remember that Saturday after September 11th when I swear the "+" sign appeared on that pregnancy test when I pulled it out of the wrapper.
Funny how life flies when you aren't paying attention.
---------
In an effort to rid myself of a lot of emotional and personal angst - angst I can't fix because the other(s) involved are unwilling to deal with me or address my feelings - I have been spending as much time as I can squeeze into my ridiculously overscheduled work days at the gym. I can't seem to bring myself to run, but I actually do enjoy spending time on the elliptical - so the elliptical it is. I see the same people at the gym most days, which leaves me a great opportunity to people-watch (and one of the weirdest twists of fate I have managed to make a friend there). I truly enjoy this.
There is this woman I see there every time I'm there. She's probably about 10 years older than me and her exercise routine mystifies me. She gets on the treadmill, cranks it up to 8 or 8.5 mph (WOAH) and then proceeds to grip the sides of the treadmill (handrails) HARD and "walk". I don't understand this. What purpose does it serve? How the hell do her shoulders not ache horribly given she does this for 45 min to an hour!?!?!
And then there's singlet dude. I love this guy because he's a predictable fixture in my extremely unpredictable life. Long, flowing black hair that he leaves loose during his work-outs. Tights. Singlet. And as I discovered unfortunately one day last week after 2+ years at the gym - tights are TOTALLY friggin' see-through. Holy mother. That is some ass I did not need to see.
I take comfort in the predictability of these two, plus the crazy 5K woman and the two pretty cousins from work who make their appearance there (especially now that the bitchy one seems to like me - eureka).
--------
I found out some juicy gossip about the bitch at work who's been harassing me for the last 2 years. Let's just say that as much as karma is biting me in the ass right now, it took her, bit her, and then beat the hell out of her. It couldn't happen to a nicer person. Of course this does not cause her to let up on me. I find it amusing that somehow she's decided it's ok to act pissed at me because my project manager on my #1 projects happens to be a man. God she needs to get a grip. But you know what, she made herself look like a complete ass so too bad.
----------
Today was a horrible tsunami in Japan. Absolutely horrible. G was captivated by the images and took it upon himself to research tsunamis, so by 7:15 this morning he had many tsunami facts to discuss with me. Pre-caffeine. I love that child but oh god. The images are just so sad and so scary - and it happened so fast. With all the drama in my life, it gives me pause to remember how lucky I am. No matter how hard my life hurts me right now.
---------
I'm watching someone I care deeply for implode. I am utterly powerless in this mess. I want to take control, be strong, help - but how can you help someone who rejects every effort you put forth? How do you care for someone who believes they deserve nothing?
'Oh how good is it to live, with nothing left to give, forget but not forgive, my love is all you see....' <-- thank you Coldplay for my anthem for the day.
---------
Weird night out drinking. 'nuff said. Maybe formed a new connection with someone who will understand me.
So my "baby" - my soon to be 9 year old baby - had his first ever orthodontist appointment today. Next week he gets fitted for headgear and, soon after that, for braces on his front 4 teeth. Braces? BRACES?? It's rare that I have the "OH GOD MY BABY IS GROWING UP" moments but let me tell you, this has been one. He's growing up fast, and he's really getting hit with it hard. He suddenly started having trouble sleeping because he decided he was 'too big' to sleep with his babies. He loves school but he's fidgety (ADHD? we are trying to find out) and makes careless mistakes. He's gifted but doesn't test well. He'd rather read his own books about WW II than the 3rd grader readers they give him. He loves soccer and loves older kids. We bought him a "special occasion only phone". Yet I vividly remember that Saturday after September 11th when I swear the "+" sign appeared on that pregnancy test when I pulled it out of the wrapper.
Funny how life flies when you aren't paying attention.
---------
In an effort to rid myself of a lot of emotional and personal angst - angst I can't fix because the other(s) involved are unwilling to deal with me or address my feelings - I have been spending as much time as I can squeeze into my ridiculously overscheduled work days at the gym. I can't seem to bring myself to run, but I actually do enjoy spending time on the elliptical - so the elliptical it is. I see the same people at the gym most days, which leaves me a great opportunity to people-watch (and one of the weirdest twists of fate I have managed to make a friend there). I truly enjoy this.
There is this woman I see there every time I'm there. She's probably about 10 years older than me and her exercise routine mystifies me. She gets on the treadmill, cranks it up to 8 or 8.5 mph (WOAH) and then proceeds to grip the sides of the treadmill (handrails) HARD and "walk". I don't understand this. What purpose does it serve? How the hell do her shoulders not ache horribly given she does this for 45 min to an hour!?!?!
And then there's singlet dude. I love this guy because he's a predictable fixture in my extremely unpredictable life. Long, flowing black hair that he leaves loose during his work-outs. Tights. Singlet. And as I discovered unfortunately one day last week after 2+ years at the gym - tights are TOTALLY friggin' see-through. Holy mother. That is some ass I did not need to see.
I take comfort in the predictability of these two, plus the crazy 5K woman and the two pretty cousins from work who make their appearance there (especially now that the bitchy one seems to like me - eureka).
--------
I found out some juicy gossip about the bitch at work who's been harassing me for the last 2 years. Let's just say that as much as karma is biting me in the ass right now, it took her, bit her, and then beat the hell out of her. It couldn't happen to a nicer person. Of course this does not cause her to let up on me. I find it amusing that somehow she's decided it's ok to act pissed at me because my project manager on my #1 projects happens to be a man. God she needs to get a grip. But you know what, she made herself look like a complete ass so too bad.
----------
Today was a horrible tsunami in Japan. Absolutely horrible. G was captivated by the images and took it upon himself to research tsunamis, so by 7:15 this morning he had many tsunami facts to discuss with me. Pre-caffeine. I love that child but oh god. The images are just so sad and so scary - and it happened so fast. With all the drama in my life, it gives me pause to remember how lucky I am. No matter how hard my life hurts me right now.
---------
I'm watching someone I care deeply for implode. I am utterly powerless in this mess. I want to take control, be strong, help - but how can you help someone who rejects every effort you put forth? How do you care for someone who believes they deserve nothing?
'Oh how good is it to live, with nothing left to give, forget but not forgive, my love is all you see....' <-- thank you Coldplay for my anthem for the day.
---------
Weird night out drinking. 'nuff said. Maybe formed a new connection with someone who will understand me.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
simple little scarf
My husband's aunt, J, has become a good friend over the (dear lord) nearly 12 years that Hubby and i have been married. She is also a great ally and confidante.
At Christmas (or maybe Hubby's mom's birthday party), she mentioned wanting a handmade second scarf. I'd made her a scarf a while ago (2 years maybe now) - simple hold 2 strand of Lion Brand thick yarn and K pattern - and she had been wearing it when we were having this conversation. I asked her for color choices and told her I'd make her another one.
I finally gave it to her today, at the bridal shower for Hubby's cousin's son's fiancee (holy crap say that 3 times fast). So I can post a pic of it now. It's a thin rib pattern - very easy. I think I found it on Lion Brand's website and then mutated it again. Excuse the crummy pic quality - cell phone in my darkish living room late at night.
At Christmas (or maybe Hubby's mom's birthday party), she mentioned wanting a handmade second scarf. I'd made her a scarf a while ago (2 years maybe now) - simple hold 2 strand of Lion Brand thick yarn and K pattern - and she had been wearing it when we were having this conversation. I asked her for color choices and told her I'd make her another one.
I finally gave it to her today, at the bridal shower for Hubby's cousin's son's fiancee (holy crap say that 3 times fast). So I can post a pic of it now. It's a thin rib pattern - very easy. I think I found it on Lion Brand's website and then mutated it again. Excuse the crummy pic quality - cell phone in my darkish living room late at night.
social networking fail
Over the last 18 months, the social networking site on which I have an account has been a bit of a mixed blessing.
In some ways, it's been great for reuniting me with people I haven't spoken to in a couple of decades. It allows me to connect with friends I've made online in a more "in real life" way. I can share pictures of my son and our vacations and such with family and friends who live far away. I like that idea, that I can share a little slice of my life with people important to me.
That is, until it backfires.
In the last 18 months, I've found out inadvertently / indirectly / accidentally that I am being, at least in a manner of speaking, stalked on said site. In both instances, it was very unexpected (is it really ever expected?!?!) and disconcerting.
In one instance, I found out almost entirely by accident and was pissed because the person was using my status updates to essentially ridicule me behind my back to a - at the time - mutual friend of ours. I felt totally violated by this person (and to an extent I was disappointed by my friend who should have told me much sooner than actually occurred) and immediately the person was defriended. by me. This person has since, because we have mutual friends, decided it would be fun to make snide comments to my comments on mutual friends' status updates. I have asked this person repeatedly to leave me alone, but I guess harassing someone she doesn't really know all that well makes her feel better about herself. Lucky me.
In the second instance, the situation is a bit more complex. I found out when I was essentially told directly what was on in a most matter of fact sort of way. While I have a major issue with the way this person is behaving (representing my material as theirs), the person who told me does not. My defriending this person would result in major drama in which I would become the bad guy. And in my current emotional state, I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to deal.
To add further insult to injury, I recently discovered that I have been defriended by people who I thought were friends, because of a misunderstanding. It's very hurtful especially because this occurred without any conversation with me. I know it shouldn't matter - but it does. I'm sensitive to a fault, and the people who did this know that. Or I thought they did. Maybe they just don't care.
My conclusion is that it may be time for me to go on hiatus from that site, at least for a while. I'm tempted to actually deactivate my account, but with my 20th high school reunion in the early planning phases, and me being one of the leaders of that project, deactivation is probably impractical.
But maybe I split the difference and just don't log on for a long while. I'm tired of feeling like a pariah or being ridiculed or misrepresented. I'm tired of feeling like when I open the door to share my life with people, they shove the door open, push me out of the way, and try to take my life on as their own - through the use of other people's accounts or in taking advantage of my relationship with other people.
The reality is, I have a lot of complicated crap going on in my life and I can't continue to feel like a punching bag anywhere.
And maybe - this is this control freak's way of grabbing control of a piece of her life that's very quickly spiriling into a giant mess.
In some ways, it's been great for reuniting me with people I haven't spoken to in a couple of decades. It allows me to connect with friends I've made online in a more "in real life" way. I can share pictures of my son and our vacations and such with family and friends who live far away. I like that idea, that I can share a little slice of my life with people important to me.
That is, until it backfires.
In the last 18 months, I've found out inadvertently / indirectly / accidentally that I am being, at least in a manner of speaking, stalked on said site. In both instances, it was very unexpected (is it really ever expected?!?!) and disconcerting.
In one instance, I found out almost entirely by accident and was pissed because the person was using my status updates to essentially ridicule me behind my back to a - at the time - mutual friend of ours. I felt totally violated by this person (and to an extent I was disappointed by my friend who should have told me much sooner than actually occurred) and immediately the person was defriended. by me. This person has since, because we have mutual friends, decided it would be fun to make snide comments to my comments on mutual friends' status updates. I have asked this person repeatedly to leave me alone, but I guess harassing someone she doesn't really know all that well makes her feel better about herself. Lucky me.
In the second instance, the situation is a bit more complex. I found out when I was essentially told directly what was on in a most matter of fact sort of way. While I have a major issue with the way this person is behaving (representing my material as theirs), the person who told me does not. My defriending this person would result in major drama in which I would become the bad guy. And in my current emotional state, I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to deal.
To add further insult to injury, I recently discovered that I have been defriended by people who I thought were friends, because of a misunderstanding. It's very hurtful especially because this occurred without any conversation with me. I know it shouldn't matter - but it does. I'm sensitive to a fault, and the people who did this know that. Or I thought they did. Maybe they just don't care.
My conclusion is that it may be time for me to go on hiatus from that site, at least for a while. I'm tempted to actually deactivate my account, but with my 20th high school reunion in the early planning phases, and me being one of the leaders of that project, deactivation is probably impractical.
But maybe I split the difference and just don't log on for a long while. I'm tired of feeling like a pariah or being ridiculed or misrepresented. I'm tired of feeling like when I open the door to share my life with people, they shove the door open, push me out of the way, and try to take my life on as their own - through the use of other people's accounts or in taking advantage of my relationship with other people.
The reality is, I have a lot of complicated crap going on in my life and I can't continue to feel like a punching bag anywhere.
And maybe - this is this control freak's way of grabbing control of a piece of her life that's very quickly spiriling into a giant mess.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
stuffyhead sneezy
I feel like crap - not horrible but just stuffy and congested and cranky. I'm PMS-y and this head cold sucks the life out of me. I don't have time to be stuffy - I need every drop of brain power to deal with work and, apparently, with my 3rd grader's homework tonight. Let me just say - when you give 8 year olds 25 of the most commonly misspelled words, and said 8 year old mother looks at them, isn't sure how to spell 2, and recognizes that the she saw the vast majority of the rest misspelled in work emails just today - that's some damn hard homework. The saving grace - they let the kids use dictionaries.
But while I'm on the subject of school and homework....
I love my kid. He's smart in a quirky and weird and very verbal way. People are (not bragging here) often telling me how smart he is in totally unsolicited ways. We've known he was different, "gifted', since he was 2. So we've been cautious with his school - he doesn't do boredom well, handles transitions even more poorly. He needs to be stimulated and challenged.
His teacher last year was great - gave him extra work, pushed him hard especially with reading (where he is stars and away light years beyond his peers), and kept him interested. She recognized his abilities.
This year he's in a different school. His teacher is nice and tries hard - she's also very traditional. She's good about setting boundaries with him and she's fine with academics - but just fine. I don't think she sees or understands kids who learn differently. He's doing great - all As and A+s so far - but I think she's losing him.
I've just started making this observation in the last few weeks. At our conference with her last week, she mentioned he's been sucking his finger (which he does when bored, among other things). I've noticed his in class papers are still good but he has weird lapses - he'll skip 1 section of the paper entirely, or miss 1 specific direction. Everything on the paper will be right except that. He also admitted to me tonight that he doesn't pay attention. He says he doesn't mean to not focus, but the stuff the class is doing isn't holding his interest. I am NOT ok with this and I told him so. One of his distractions is "Calvin and Hobbes" - he found one of our books and he fell in love. I flat out told him tonight that if he has another lapse, "Calvin and Hobbes" will temporarily become a weekend-only treasure.
Given all this, plus our meeting on Friday, I'm frustrated. You see, the child ACED and I mean ACED 2/3 of his CogAts. His 3rd section he was far above average, but not far "enough" for them to consider him gifted. "But of course, we don't have a gifted program here. We do have students that score higher than Giani - so they are categorized as gifted. He just barely missed the cut. However, because we don't have a gifted program, he would still likely be in the top level classes."
This frustrates me. I mean, a label is a label. I know my kid and I know he's amazingly talented. His scores on those 2 sections of that test (top 1-3%) tell you that. And the 3rd section. Well, the 3rd section was math. Guess what. He does math ONLY in his head. I had no idea until I watched him take practice CMTs. His average math score doing stuff in his head? 80%. His average math score doing the same tests but jotting down the 5, 6, 7 number sums? 100%.
Damn kid.
He said to me tongiht "Mom, I'm not used to having to try. This is new for me. I can do math in my head." I told him that, yes, he could - but he could do it written down better.
I worry. I worry about ADHD with him. He is HYPER focused with things that interest him. He just did a report for school on Amelia Earhart (on which he got an A instead of an A+ why? Not due to lack of research but because he wasn't 100% believeable 'acting' as her. WTF? How is that even the point???). He was ravenous. He read the assigned book. Then he Google'd her. Then he found an article in "Nat Geo" (National Geographic - NOT kids) about her. He went in to that presentatin knowing more about that woman than most people. He loved it.
But give him some homework and he'll spend 6 minutes on it, half-assing it, writing it sloppily, and making me insane.
So after MUCH MUCH debate, Hubby and I will be getting him in to see a child psych. It's probably already been too long. His time with his social worker at school is helping, but it's shared time and it's not directed at understanding how he learns and how we can help him. Plus, frankly, I find it abject bullshit that he's being considered "not gifted" by his school district based on 1 standardized test. Argh.
We'll see. At the end of the day, I am not so delusional as to think he's a genius. He's not. But he's a bright kid who thinks and learns very differently. I want to do right by him - I want to make it easier for him to learn, to get him with teachers that challenge him. And I want him to learn that the mundane to him is still necessary and that it doesn't have to be a necessary "evil".
We went through his homework tonight and I made a huge effort to be calm and make it interesting and fun. He loved using the giant dictionary, so maybe that's a step in the right direction.
Ok, my Puffs Plus are calling. Damn cold.
But while I'm on the subject of school and homework....
I love my kid. He's smart in a quirky and weird and very verbal way. People are (not bragging here) often telling me how smart he is in totally unsolicited ways. We've known he was different, "gifted', since he was 2. So we've been cautious with his school - he doesn't do boredom well, handles transitions even more poorly. He needs to be stimulated and challenged.
His teacher last year was great - gave him extra work, pushed him hard especially with reading (where he is stars and away light years beyond his peers), and kept him interested. She recognized his abilities.
This year he's in a different school. His teacher is nice and tries hard - she's also very traditional. She's good about setting boundaries with him and she's fine with academics - but just fine. I don't think she sees or understands kids who learn differently. He's doing great - all As and A+s so far - but I think she's losing him.
I've just started making this observation in the last few weeks. At our conference with her last week, she mentioned he's been sucking his finger (which he does when bored, among other things). I've noticed his in class papers are still good but he has weird lapses - he'll skip 1 section of the paper entirely, or miss 1 specific direction. Everything on the paper will be right except that. He also admitted to me tonight that he doesn't pay attention. He says he doesn't mean to not focus, but the stuff the class is doing isn't holding his interest. I am NOT ok with this and I told him so. One of his distractions is "Calvin and Hobbes" - he found one of our books and he fell in love. I flat out told him tonight that if he has another lapse, "Calvin and Hobbes" will temporarily become a weekend-only treasure.
Given all this, plus our meeting on Friday, I'm frustrated. You see, the child ACED and I mean ACED 2/3 of his CogAts. His 3rd section he was far above average, but not far "enough" for them to consider him gifted. "But of course, we don't have a gifted program here. We do have students that score higher than Giani - so they are categorized as gifted. He just barely missed the cut. However, because we don't have a gifted program, he would still likely be in the top level classes."
This frustrates me. I mean, a label is a label. I know my kid and I know he's amazingly talented. His scores on those 2 sections of that test (top 1-3%) tell you that. And the 3rd section. Well, the 3rd section was math. Guess what. He does math ONLY in his head. I had no idea until I watched him take practice CMTs. His average math score doing stuff in his head? 80%. His average math score doing the same tests but jotting down the 5, 6, 7 number sums? 100%.
Damn kid.
He said to me tongiht "Mom, I'm not used to having to try. This is new for me. I can do math in my head." I told him that, yes, he could - but he could do it written down better.
I worry. I worry about ADHD with him. He is HYPER focused with things that interest him. He just did a report for school on Amelia Earhart (on which he got an A instead of an A+ why? Not due to lack of research but because he wasn't 100% believeable 'acting' as her. WTF? How is that even the point???). He was ravenous. He read the assigned book. Then he Google'd her. Then he found an article in "Nat Geo" (National Geographic - NOT kids) about her. He went in to that presentatin knowing more about that woman than most people. He loved it.
But give him some homework and he'll spend 6 minutes on it, half-assing it, writing it sloppily, and making me insane.
So after MUCH MUCH debate, Hubby and I will be getting him in to see a child psych. It's probably already been too long. His time with his social worker at school is helping, but it's shared time and it's not directed at understanding how he learns and how we can help him. Plus, frankly, I find it abject bullshit that he's being considered "not gifted" by his school district based on 1 standardized test. Argh.
We'll see. At the end of the day, I am not so delusional as to think he's a genius. He's not. But he's a bright kid who thinks and learns very differently. I want to do right by him - I want to make it easier for him to learn, to get him with teachers that challenge him. And I want him to learn that the mundane to him is still necessary and that it doesn't have to be a necessary "evil".
We went through his homework tonight and I made a huge effort to be calm and make it interesting and fun. He loved using the giant dictionary, so maybe that's a step in the right direction.
Ok, my Puffs Plus are calling. Damn cold.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
"Mom - can we talk..."
"...I'm having bad, scary thoughts."
Said by my almost 9 year old at bedtime tonight.
I agreed to go in his room and lay with him before bed, something I don't do too often. He seemed stressed and worried. Now, Hubby and I had had a bit of an argument earlier in the evening, something G hates (and rightly so - we try to not do that - check that, I try not to do that, Hubby would never argue if he could avoid it...). But it had been a quick raised voice conversation that was over quickly, and G heard us apologize to each other. I assumed, however, that that was the issue.
Turns out it wasn't.
"Mom, I have been having bad thoughts all day. I started thinking about dying. And I've decided - I'm afraid of dying."
Aren't we all?
How the hell do I answer that concern?
I went with the "honesty is the best policy" concept.
"G - you know, I'm afraid of dying too. I think almost everyone is. When I was a kid, I used to scare myself by thinking about dying. It's one of those things that's scary and that you know will someday happen. My best advice to you is to try to believe that it won't happen for a very very long time - and in the meantime, don't think about it. If the idea does pop into your head, try to go to your happy place. It's hard and it's scary, but if you think about it too much, it's worse."
"Thanks Mom. I hope I don't die for a really really long time."
He then snuggled up in my armpit and laid there for about 10 minutes. He seemed very serene when he was done.
Let's hope I did my job as a parent, and did it the right way.
Said by my almost 9 year old at bedtime tonight.
I agreed to go in his room and lay with him before bed, something I don't do too often. He seemed stressed and worried. Now, Hubby and I had had a bit of an argument earlier in the evening, something G hates (and rightly so - we try to not do that - check that, I try not to do that, Hubby would never argue if he could avoid it...). But it had been a quick raised voice conversation that was over quickly, and G heard us apologize to each other. I assumed, however, that that was the issue.
Turns out it wasn't.
"Mom, I have been having bad thoughts all day. I started thinking about dying. And I've decided - I'm afraid of dying."
Aren't we all?
How the hell do I answer that concern?
I went with the "honesty is the best policy" concept.
"G - you know, I'm afraid of dying too. I think almost everyone is. When I was a kid, I used to scare myself by thinking about dying. It's one of those things that's scary and that you know will someday happen. My best advice to you is to try to believe that it won't happen for a very very long time - and in the meantime, don't think about it. If the idea does pop into your head, try to go to your happy place. It's hard and it's scary, but if you think about it too much, it's worse."
"Thanks Mom. I hope I don't die for a really really long time."
He then snuggled up in my armpit and laid there for about 10 minutes. He seemed very serene when he was done.
Let's hope I did my job as a parent, and did it the right way.
Friday, February 25, 2011
sometimes I just worry
I'm a worrier by nature.
Today was a worrying kind of a day.
I'm worried about my son - such a great, smart, sweet kid who's having a hard time because he's wise beyond his years and yet still not quite 9.
I'm worried about an insurance potential debaucle that is the result of me just trying to do the right damn thing.
I'm concerned about a friend who has been struggling for so so long and really seems to have hit a new, lost low.
I'm worried I'm not the best wife or mom or sister or (especially) daughter I can or should be.
I'm worried I don't work hard enough or do enough.
I'm just - scared.
Today was a worrying kind of a day.
I'm worried about my son - such a great, smart, sweet kid who's having a hard time because he's wise beyond his years and yet still not quite 9.
I'm worried about an insurance potential debaucle that is the result of me just trying to do the right damn thing.
I'm concerned about a friend who has been struggling for so so long and really seems to have hit a new, lost low.
I'm worried I'm not the best wife or mom or sister or (especially) daughter I can or should be.
I'm worried I don't work hard enough or do enough.
I'm just - scared.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
small town crap
I realize that there are parents out there that can readily arrange their work schedules to arrive at an extracurricular event for their child by 4pm on a Friday afternoon.
I get it.
I'm not one of those parents. For me to arrive at said event at 4pm "ready to work", I would need to leave my primary employment at 3pm, go home, change, pick up my child, and then arrive. I realize that I could have used my much-loved PTO time to leave work at 3pm, but with the number of people in my department on vacation this week, that means I would need to ask my counterparts to reschedule meetings (because there is no one to cover for me).
All this so I can SET UP for said extracurricular activity because, despite all the shit we have to sell for the damn thing, our awards event - which by the way, only involves my son helping - is not paid for. So I have to donate food AND set up AND leave work early?
Sorry - pick 2. You get my food and you get my help setting up - WHEN I GET THERE.
The stay at home moms and work from home people can get there at 4pm.
And when I'm courteous enough to tell you I cannot get there until 5pm, please do not return email me with a lecture about getting there as soon as I can.
It's my damn life. It's enough that this is my 2nd Friday in a row I'm sacrificing for this LAST MINUTE - I'll get there when I get there. You don't even want my kid there at 4pm - I guess I'm supposed to get a sitter, too?
Give me a friggin' break.
I get it.
I'm not one of those parents. For me to arrive at said event at 4pm "ready to work", I would need to leave my primary employment at 3pm, go home, change, pick up my child, and then arrive. I realize that I could have used my much-loved PTO time to leave work at 3pm, but with the number of people in my department on vacation this week, that means I would need to ask my counterparts to reschedule meetings (because there is no one to cover for me).
All this so I can SET UP for said extracurricular activity because, despite all the shit we have to sell for the damn thing, our awards event - which by the way, only involves my son helping - is not paid for. So I have to donate food AND set up AND leave work early?
Sorry - pick 2. You get my food and you get my help setting up - WHEN I GET THERE.
The stay at home moms and work from home people can get there at 4pm.
And when I'm courteous enough to tell you I cannot get there until 5pm, please do not return email me with a lecture about getting there as soon as I can.
It's my damn life. It's enough that this is my 2nd Friday in a row I'm sacrificing for this LAST MINUTE - I'll get there when I get there. You don't even want my kid there at 4pm - I guess I'm supposed to get a sitter, too?
Give me a friggin' break.
shell
I stand in the shadows
A quiet voice
A careful observer
A strong supporter
No matter the reaction
I've watched and waited
As you've become a shell.
Your strength has waivered
Your spirit has been broken
Yet somehow
You plod along
And think that this
Is somehow acceptable.
You deserve it.
You've done wrong
So kick you, kick you, kick you
Hurt you
Remind you of all your faults.
Are you so broken that this
Is how you view yourself?
How have you become this shell?
This hollow remainder
Of the vibrant person you once were?
I know that glow is hidden
Inside those shell walls.
You are amazing
You are special and talented
Smart, funny, and well-intentioned
You are important and valued
And you can be loved
And give that same in return.
Your heart yearns to love
And to be loved
To care
And do the right thing.
But instead
Because of your past
You sit still
And take your bitter medicine
To you, that's all there is
Or will be.
Your shell should be filled.
Look around you.
Check those halls
Those dark shadows off to the side.
The people who linger there
Are the people who value you most.
They will guide you
Shine a light into the darkness
That has enveloped you.
They will show you the way.
Save yourself
Embrace the person you truly are
Not the person you think you should be.
Your misguided sense of filling a role
And accomplishing something so important to you
Has driven you to lose
Who you are, what you truly want
And most importantly - who you could be.
Before those people in the shadows
Give up on loving you
Because it's been so long since you could see
Let their light shine upon you
Let their love set you free.
Embrace the reality that you are loved
That you can be loved
That you deserve love.
When that love comes
When you let it in.
You will be freed.
You will be you, finally, again.
The rest will fall into place
And all that angst, all that sadness
The self-loathing and pain
Will disappear.
A quiet voice
A careful observer
A strong supporter
No matter the reaction
I've watched and waited
As you've become a shell.
Your strength has waivered
Your spirit has been broken
Yet somehow
You plod along
And think that this
Is somehow acceptable.
You deserve it.
You've done wrong
So kick you, kick you, kick you
Hurt you
Remind you of all your faults.
Are you so broken that this
Is how you view yourself?
How have you become this shell?
This hollow remainder
Of the vibrant person you once were?
I know that glow is hidden
Inside those shell walls.
You are amazing
You are special and talented
Smart, funny, and well-intentioned
You are important and valued
And you can be loved
And give that same in return.
Your heart yearns to love
And to be loved
To care
And do the right thing.
But instead
Because of your past
You sit still
And take your bitter medicine
To you, that's all there is
Or will be.
Your shell should be filled.
Look around you.
Check those halls
Those dark shadows off to the side.
The people who linger there
Are the people who value you most.
They will guide you
Shine a light into the darkness
That has enveloped you.
They will show you the way.
Save yourself
Embrace the person you truly are
Not the person you think you should be.
Your misguided sense of filling a role
And accomplishing something so important to you
Has driven you to lose
Who you are, what you truly want
And most importantly - who you could be.
Before those people in the shadows
Give up on loving you
Because it's been so long since you could see
Let their light shine upon you
Let their love set you free.
Embrace the reality that you are loved
That you can be loved
That you deserve love.
When that love comes
When you let it in.
You will be freed.
You will be you, finally, again.
The rest will fall into place
And all that angst, all that sadness
The self-loathing and pain
Will disappear.
Monday, February 21, 2011
day off malaise
Thank you former presidents for letting me have today off. As it turns out, no thanks to the never ending stream of snow days we had in the last 6 weeks, I got to have the day off sans child (and sans Hubby). It was nice although largely unproductive less some online shopping for 2 bridal showers and some TV watching. I always feel some sense of regret at the end of a kidless day off that I didn't get enough done. Silly, right?
In other news, my good sleeper since he was 6 weeks old and then retrained at 11 months old child has been having a hell of a time settling down for the last couple of weeks. Again I blame the snow days. It doesn't happen every night, but 1-3 nights per week, he can't seem to fall asleep for nearly an hour after he goes to bed. I'd never know but he comes out of his room whining about said issue, often trying to convince me to lay with him (that's new). After 2 sessions of laying down with him = mom falling asleep and being crunched in small bed with very large child for hours - I've given that up.
Now, the problem is, he knows he's tired and knows he needs sleep, so he does that thing some of us adults do. He looks at the clock and gets stressed that he isn't asleep. Of course, in his always supportive way, Hubby blames me for this because (a) I worry a lot more about G's sleep than he does (probably because I have to get G up every morning and I get every "We need to talk to you about G's behavior" call) and (b) I sleep like complete crap almost every day.
I know it's a phase and I know it will pass, but I will say this - it's one of those firm reminders of why I have 1 child, why I can only have 1 child and why, no matter what my mother says, I am too old and too far removed from babyland to ever have another kid.
Phew.
In other news, my good sleeper since he was 6 weeks old and then retrained at 11 months old child has been having a hell of a time settling down for the last couple of weeks. Again I blame the snow days. It doesn't happen every night, but 1-3 nights per week, he can't seem to fall asleep for nearly an hour after he goes to bed. I'd never know but he comes out of his room whining about said issue, often trying to convince me to lay with him (that's new). After 2 sessions of laying down with him = mom falling asleep and being crunched in small bed with very large child for hours - I've given that up.
Now, the problem is, he knows he's tired and knows he needs sleep, so he does that thing some of us adults do. He looks at the clock and gets stressed that he isn't asleep. Of course, in his always supportive way, Hubby blames me for this because (a) I worry a lot more about G's sleep than he does (probably because I have to get G up every morning and I get every "We need to talk to you about G's behavior" call) and (b) I sleep like complete crap almost every day.
I know it's a phase and I know it will pass, but I will say this - it's one of those firm reminders of why I have 1 child, why I can only have 1 child and why, no matter what my mother says, I am too old and too far removed from babyland to ever have another kid.
Phew.
coupla new projects
I think I've been remiss in posting my latest projects - so here goes.
The first is sock 1 in a pair of socks for Little Man. The second will be knit eventually.
The second is a scarf for a guy friend at work. I always enjoy the opportunity to knit for friends. Something fun about giving someone a little something you made with your own two hands.
The first is sock 1 in a pair of socks for Little Man. The second will be knit eventually.
The second is a scarf for a guy friend at work. I always enjoy the opportunity to knit for friends. Something fun about giving someone a little something you made with your own two hands.
Monday, February 14, 2011
take those hearts and blow them out your...
Valentine's Day - the ultimate Hallmark holiday.
I just got through reading my day's worth of status updates on Facebook and found myself irritated by all those people and their stupid "Happy Valentine's Day" statuses. I mean, not for nothing, but do you really need the card manufacturers of the world to tell you when to love your loved one? Can't you just love them every day? I have to say that a beautiful bouquet of NOT RED NOT ROSES flowers on a random Wednesday would mean a hell of a lot more to me than some stupid cliche on Valentine's Day. Give me a friggin' break - not that I get either of those things (I don't) - but the latter would be more meaningful.
I realize I am bitter and cranky so pardon me. I needed to have my small paragraph of venting and now I"m done.
The last week has been, well, weird. I am not sure, at this point, whether I'm up or down. After weeks of confusion and chaos, something snapped late last week - sort of. Needless to say - I'm still confused. In some way, I'm MORE confused. I know now that some of the anger is gone but...well...I need to sort this all out. Time.
For now, screw you stupid Valentine's Day.
I just got through reading my day's worth of status updates on Facebook and found myself irritated by all those people and their stupid "Happy Valentine's Day" statuses. I mean, not for nothing, but do you really need the card manufacturers of the world to tell you when to love your loved one? Can't you just love them every day? I have to say that a beautiful bouquet of NOT RED NOT ROSES flowers on a random Wednesday would mean a hell of a lot more to me than some stupid cliche on Valentine's Day. Give me a friggin' break - not that I get either of those things (I don't) - but the latter would be more meaningful.
I realize I am bitter and cranky so pardon me. I needed to have my small paragraph of venting and now I"m done.
The last week has been, well, weird. I am not sure, at this point, whether I'm up or down. After weeks of confusion and chaos, something snapped late last week - sort of. Needless to say - I'm still confused. In some way, I'm MORE confused. I know now that some of the anger is gone but...well...I need to sort this all out. Time.
For now, screw you stupid Valentine's Day.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Wednesday and it's not snowing
It's hard to believe, but it's a Wednesday in 2011 in CT, and it isn't snowing. This may be the first one this year. lol. In all seriousness, this is the first week since the start of the year where it seems likely that we will have a full 5 day week - both work and school.
Of course, I feel like I'm falling apart. I burnt my tongue last Wednesday on very VERY hot tea and so now I have cat-like sandpaper tongue. It's very annoying. My hands hurt from chopping ice on Sunday. My skin is a mess and I am all hormonal.
Work is so crazy busy I can't think straight, let alone actually get anything done between my endless meetings. Everyone in my department is stressed and moody. It's review time and my review was fine - too boring vanilla generic same shit different year fine. And I got no raise due to a 'snafu' - bullshit but whatever. Supposedly 2011 will (finally) be the year that I get the long-promised upward movement...but I have to take a lot of ownership for that. I will probably spend my kid-free Saturday doing the first chunk of work I need to do with that. This is MY career, my life - I need to own it.
And on top of everything else...I'm just sad. Very sad.
And I'll leave it at that. I'm working through something, I'm being stubborn and pig-headed and emotional. I know I'll get through and I hope things will turn around but right now - I guess I'm wallowing.
Of course, I feel like I'm falling apart. I burnt my tongue last Wednesday on very VERY hot tea and so now I have cat-like sandpaper tongue. It's very annoying. My hands hurt from chopping ice on Sunday. My skin is a mess and I am all hormonal.
Work is so crazy busy I can't think straight, let alone actually get anything done between my endless meetings. Everyone in my department is stressed and moody. It's review time and my review was fine - too boring vanilla generic same shit different year fine. And I got no raise due to a 'snafu' - bullshit but whatever. Supposedly 2011 will (finally) be the year that I get the long-promised upward movement...but I have to take a lot of ownership for that. I will probably spend my kid-free Saturday doing the first chunk of work I need to do with that. This is MY career, my life - I need to own it.
And on top of everything else...I'm just sad. Very sad.
And I'll leave it at that. I'm working through something, I'm being stubborn and pig-headed and emotional. I know I'll get through and I hope things will turn around but right now - I guess I'm wallowing.
Monday, February 7, 2011
thank you...
...David Gray for often getting it just right. These lyrics are from "Lullaby" off of "Flesh", an album I apparently should listen to more often:
All these useless emotions
Churning round
As I search these bare walls for a clue
And all the time
The truth is flashing in my mind
That when a heart gets broken
There's nothing you can do
-------
Sometimes, you know exactly what's going on, exactly what's going to happen, and exactly how much it will hurt -- and even though you know, you don't or can't stop it, and until it slaps you in the face, you try to pretend it's not there.
Sucks.
All these useless emotions
Churning round
As I search these bare walls for a clue
And all the time
The truth is flashing in my mind
That when a heart gets broken
There's nothing you can do
-------
Sometimes, you know exactly what's going on, exactly what's going to happen, and exactly how much it will hurt -- and even though you know, you don't or can't stop it, and until it slaps you in the face, you try to pretend it's not there.
Sucks.
Friday, February 4, 2011
anger, frustration, and doing the right thing
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
An incredibly strong friend of mine, a person I've never met but have known since our boys were babies, posted this quote on Facebook the other night.
Then another friend of ours posted:
“Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten.” - Buddha
---------------------------
I love both of these quotes, and both fit quite well into my life right now.
I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it here, but I sometimes refer to my personality as the ultimate Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Right now, this bipolar act of myself is beating the hell out of itself.
One part of my personality has this drive to do the right thing, respect people's space and wishes, and follow rules. This part of my personality is the reason I was a good student (well, that plus some good genetics), considered a responsible child and young adult, and is likely a strong contributing factor in how I have turned out now that I am nearly middle-aged - why I married who I did, when I did, had a child when I did, all of it. There are moments in my life when I really like this part of my personality, because there's something empowering about being considered reponsible.
But sometimes I hate this part of me - like now. I hate it because I feel like it puts me in a situation where I'm a doormat. "Oh don't worry, Andrea won't rock the boat." "I have a problem, and Andrea will help." "Andrea will deal with the fact that I neglected to tell her that she max'd out in her current salary range until right now, when I was presenting her with her raise - which is $0." "Andrea will understand why I can't talk to her for a while."
ARGH.
The other part of my personality is very stubborn, with a bit of a bad girl streak. OH I am not "BAD" in the traditional sense of the word by any means (see the first personality trait), but sometimes I want to be. I don't like the idea that I can't do what I want or that I can't control my life or my destiny or my relationships.
So here I sit in this weird place in my life where I really need to do the right thing. I need to be patient and kind and think a lot less about myself and a lot more about the well-being of someone I care for deeply.
But while I know it's the right thing to do, and I (have to) believe that if I give this person space and time and love from afar, that things will turn out better between us and for this person...I do not want to do it. Because it hurts. Because it's scary. Because it makes me feel lonely and isolated and sad and very very afraid.
So what am I doing? I'm SUCKING at it. SO on top of everything else, I feel like a damn failure. I feel like I'm floundering and screwing up left and right. I'm trying to be a good supportive friend and I'm not doing it right because it doesn't feel right - which is so incredible selfish.
And I feel lost in the shuffle - because the reality is, I'm not sure my feelings matter - because I'm good old reliable Andrea - I'll do the right thing, I'll tough it out, I'll survive.
Great.
An incredibly strong friend of mine, a person I've never met but have known since our boys were babies, posted this quote on Facebook the other night.
Then another friend of ours posted:
“Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten.” - Buddha
---------------------------
I love both of these quotes, and both fit quite well into my life right now.
I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it here, but I sometimes refer to my personality as the ultimate Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Right now, this bipolar act of myself is beating the hell out of itself.
One part of my personality has this drive to do the right thing, respect people's space and wishes, and follow rules. This part of my personality is the reason I was a good student (well, that plus some good genetics), considered a responsible child and young adult, and is likely a strong contributing factor in how I have turned out now that I am nearly middle-aged - why I married who I did, when I did, had a child when I did, all of it. There are moments in my life when I really like this part of my personality, because there's something empowering about being considered reponsible.
But sometimes I hate this part of me - like now. I hate it because I feel like it puts me in a situation where I'm a doormat. "Oh don't worry, Andrea won't rock the boat." "I have a problem, and Andrea will help." "Andrea will deal with the fact that I neglected to tell her that she max'd out in her current salary range until right now, when I was presenting her with her raise - which is $0." "Andrea will understand why I can't talk to her for a while."
ARGH.
The other part of my personality is very stubborn, with a bit of a bad girl streak. OH I am not "BAD" in the traditional sense of the word by any means (see the first personality trait), but sometimes I want to be. I don't like the idea that I can't do what I want or that I can't control my life or my destiny or my relationships.
So here I sit in this weird place in my life where I really need to do the right thing. I need to be patient and kind and think a lot less about myself and a lot more about the well-being of someone I care for deeply.
But while I know it's the right thing to do, and I (have to) believe that if I give this person space and time and love from afar, that things will turn out better between us and for this person...I do not want to do it. Because it hurts. Because it's scary. Because it makes me feel lonely and isolated and sad and very very afraid.
So what am I doing? I'm SUCKING at it. SO on top of everything else, I feel like a damn failure. I feel like I'm floundering and screwing up left and right. I'm trying to be a good supportive friend and I'm not doing it right because it doesn't feel right - which is so incredible selfish.
And I feel lost in the shuffle - because the reality is, I'm not sure my feelings matter - because I'm good old reliable Andrea - I'll do the right thing, I'll tough it out, I'll survive.
Great.
mortar and bricks
That wall I've built
of mortar and bricks, thick cement
strong and tall.
It insulates me.
I won't feel hurt
if I don't let people in.
Standing behind that wall
is lonely and isolating
but it's incredibly safe.
It takes a strong person
to climb or crush that wall.
And it isn't a task for the weak of spirt or heart.
I'm apt to rebuild it
Stubbornly, easily, and repeatedly.
Exposing myself to anyone who might think to care
Opens me up to the hurt that I know
Will ultimately, eventually, inevitably
be inflicted upon me
Purposely, accidentally, without cause, with intent,
It doesn't matter.
That wall frustrates people who love me
And rightly so of course.
Who wants to love someone
Surrounded by a wall?
When I learn to love back
When my fear dissipates enough for me to breathe
Without thinking
I can pull the wall down
At least a little.
Sometimes you can only see over it
But stepping over it is a challenge.
It's an amazing and special person
A person who I trust and who fits into my life
Like one of those puzzle pieces
Once lost behind the couch or on the floor
Or in the bottom of the box
Who pulls that wall down.
I think those people I love so
Are a bit wounded by their time
Tearing down the wall.
I realize that now, only after the fact
Only after I've seen the damage
That long road of work has done
How it's taken its toll on them.
The irony doesn't fail me.
Here I am, and I've let into my own little space
My safe haven
The ones I love the most.
And by the time I let them in
The wounds I've inflicted may be irreparable.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my fear, my past hurts
Have unleashed this wall
And pushed you back for a while.
I know that means that by the time our love
Has built
It's already broken.
I know I've done wrong by being
So protective of myself
The ultimate act of selfishness.
Yet somehow, I prove myself correct
When I do just that.
Because often those same people I let in
Are so hurt by my walls
My unwillingness to truly share myself
That they leave.
For those I've let in, who have left.
I miss you.
I wanted you here.
And I'm sorry, sorry I realized
Too late
How lonely this space behind my wall is.
How the mortar and bricks
Can never replace the true, unfettered, unasked for love
A love I didn't tend to
Until it was too late.
of mortar and bricks, thick cement
strong and tall.
It insulates me.
I won't feel hurt
if I don't let people in.
Standing behind that wall
is lonely and isolating
but it's incredibly safe.
It takes a strong person
to climb or crush that wall.
And it isn't a task for the weak of spirt or heart.
I'm apt to rebuild it
Stubbornly, easily, and repeatedly.
Exposing myself to anyone who might think to care
Opens me up to the hurt that I know
Will ultimately, eventually, inevitably
be inflicted upon me
Purposely, accidentally, without cause, with intent,
It doesn't matter.
That wall frustrates people who love me
And rightly so of course.
Who wants to love someone
Surrounded by a wall?
When I learn to love back
When my fear dissipates enough for me to breathe
Without thinking
I can pull the wall down
At least a little.
Sometimes you can only see over it
But stepping over it is a challenge.
It's an amazing and special person
A person who I trust and who fits into my life
Like one of those puzzle pieces
Once lost behind the couch or on the floor
Or in the bottom of the box
Who pulls that wall down.
I think those people I love so
Are a bit wounded by their time
Tearing down the wall.
I realize that now, only after the fact
Only after I've seen the damage
That long road of work has done
How it's taken its toll on them.
The irony doesn't fail me.
Here I am, and I've let into my own little space
My safe haven
The ones I love the most.
And by the time I let them in
The wounds I've inflicted may be irreparable.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my fear, my past hurts
Have unleashed this wall
And pushed you back for a while.
I know that means that by the time our love
Has built
It's already broken.
I know I've done wrong by being
So protective of myself
The ultimate act of selfishness.
Yet somehow, I prove myself correct
When I do just that.
Because often those same people I let in
Are so hurt by my walls
My unwillingness to truly share myself
That they leave.
For those I've let in, who have left.
I miss you.
I wanted you here.
And I'm sorry, sorry I realized
Too late
How lonely this space behind my wall is.
How the mortar and bricks
Can never replace the true, unfettered, unasked for love
A love I didn't tend to
Until it was too late.
Friday, January 28, 2011
another Friday
It's late and I'm tired.
But I wanted to say that today - all day - and then tonight, I was blessed to be reminded how amazing it is to have friends in your life who care about you, who will hold you and up and give you hope when you have no strength left yourself.
I don't have a lot of friends and I think I may be one shorter than I was a few weeks ago, but the ones I have are absolutely incredible.
I was inspired to pull together a few quick quotes on friendship - these are for the people in my life who love me and support me, no matter what.
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you." - Elbert Hubard
"Too late we learn, a man must hold his friend
Unjudged, accepted, trusted to the end." - John Boyle O'Reilly
"The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?" - Henry David Thoreau
"I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me. I'd like to be the help that you've been always glad to be; I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day, as you have meant, old friend of mine, to me along the way." - Edgar A. Guest
"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." -Barbara DeAngelis
Someone to lean on when problems appear,
Someone on whom you’d depend,
Someone who’ll lift you when you’re down in the dumps,
That someone is truly a friend.
That’s how I feel about you my dear friend;
You’re so special just as you are.
Just to know that you’re there provides comfort to spare;
A friendship like yours sets the bar.
By Karl and Joanna Fuchs
But I wanted to say that today - all day - and then tonight, I was blessed to be reminded how amazing it is to have friends in your life who care about you, who will hold you and up and give you hope when you have no strength left yourself.
I don't have a lot of friends and I think I may be one shorter than I was a few weeks ago, but the ones I have are absolutely incredible.
I was inspired to pull together a few quick quotes on friendship - these are for the people in my life who love me and support me, no matter what.
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you." - Elbert Hubard
"Too late we learn, a man must hold his friend
Unjudged, accepted, trusted to the end." - John Boyle O'Reilly
"The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?" - Henry David Thoreau
"I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me. I'd like to be the help that you've been always glad to be; I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day, as you have meant, old friend of mine, to me along the way." - Edgar A. Guest
"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." -Barbara DeAngelis
Someone to lean on when problems appear,
Someone on whom you’d depend,
Someone who’ll lift you when you’re down in the dumps,
That someone is truly a friend.
That’s how I feel about you my dear friend;
You’re so special just as you are.
Just to know that you’re there provides comfort to spare;
A friendship like yours sets the bar.
By Karl and Joanna Fuchs
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
the fine line between anger and sadness
I ran across this quote tonight - I like it:
Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible. ~
Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible. ~
Monday, January 24, 2011
meltdown
My most recent craptastic poem was inspired by a minor - major? - meltdown I had this past weekend.
I've mentioned that I'm not exactly in a good place right now emotionally.
Work is absolutely kicking my ass. I'm not sure where I stand there, I feel very backed into a corner with my career path, and nothing ever slows down. I'm great at my job but it's no wonder, I've been doing the damn thing for years. If I'm as great as people insist I am, why is it that my peers both inside and out of the company seem to move along to bigger and better things, while I get my same crappy raises and my extra 50 million projects dumped in my lap because "Oh Andrea we know you'll get them done - you're awesome". Hey and a big fuck you to you too - I may be awesome but how about you show me some other way?!?!?!
I'm having friend problems. For now - that's enough on that topic only to say that they bring me to tears on a too-regular basis. This is nothing new in my life, but this most recent one is with someone unexpected and sucks.
I feel a lot of pressure about being the good girl in general - I feel like I'm disappointing people, myself included, left and right, and I hate it.
So on Saturday, I had a big old meltdown over it. And now I feel simultaneously bad - like I failed everyone for having a tantrum like a 3 year old - and good - because maybe, just maybe, I can be viewed as, perceived as - HUMAN rather than some prodigal golden girl.
I had a big long rant after this but stupid Blogger ate it - AGAIN. Fuckity fuck fuck I give up.
I've mentioned that I'm not exactly in a good place right now emotionally.
Work is absolutely kicking my ass. I'm not sure where I stand there, I feel very backed into a corner with my career path, and nothing ever slows down. I'm great at my job but it's no wonder, I've been doing the damn thing for years. If I'm as great as people insist I am, why is it that my peers both inside and out of the company seem to move along to bigger and better things, while I get my same crappy raises and my extra 50 million projects dumped in my lap because "Oh Andrea we know you'll get them done - you're awesome". Hey and a big fuck you to you too - I may be awesome but how about you show me some other way?!?!?!
I'm having friend problems. For now - that's enough on that topic only to say that they bring me to tears on a too-regular basis. This is nothing new in my life, but this most recent one is with someone unexpected and sucks.
I feel a lot of pressure about being the good girl in general - I feel like I'm disappointing people, myself included, left and right, and I hate it.
So on Saturday, I had a big old meltdown over it. And now I feel simultaneously bad - like I failed everyone for having a tantrum like a 3 year old - and good - because maybe, just maybe, I can be viewed as, perceived as - HUMAN rather than some prodigal golden girl.
I had a big long rant after this but stupid Blogger ate it - AGAIN. Fuckity fuck fuck I give up.
trying to be perfect
Golden hair, blue eyes, gap-toothed smile
Big sister, fair-haired girl, model student
Cries inside and sometimes out
Trying to be perfect, worrying she'd fail.
"You cry too much"
"Grow up, it's just a grade"
"What a loser - look at her sob"
Why's she crying?
Why's she scared and worried?
Trying to be perfect, she knows she's failing.
Gangly, awkward, uncomfortable
Braces, funny hair, too tall, too skinny
"You're the good example
Show them how to do this"
But inside still wondering
How to be perfect as her imperfect world
Crumbles down around her.
The path laid out for her
The order of things is just right
No broken curfews, no bad-boy boyfriends,
The leader of the team
The one left in charge
The good big sister
Is there actually another option?
No
Not when you're trying to be perfect.
A push here, a purposeful trip-up there
"I'm not always your good little girl"
See me for who I am
Not that expectation of the one
Who always makes the right choices
So I don't have to spend my life
Trying to be perfect, trying not to fail.
Off she goes, into her adult life
College first, get a job, meet a good boy
Get married, have a family, toe the line
Do the right thing.
Just enough rebellion in there
To satisfy that little streak
We all have in us, waiting to break free.
But just enough so that
Her goal for perfection is still attainable
So no one is disappointed
So she doesn't fail.
Life presents you with options
Choices, complications, messes
It is nearly impossible to keep that goal
Of being perfect every day
The guidebook doesn't map out
What to do in circumstances
That sit in front of you when you least expect
That tug at your heartstrings, your morals, your goals
That make you see your life
In an entirely different light
When you're just trying to be perfect.
There is that one moment, that one choice
That one pivotal event
It might be small in the broad scheme of life
But what it represents is so signficant
It catches your breath
And makes you realize once and for all
You will never be perfect.
So then what?
Do you change your life all over again?
Years and years of living for everyone else's
Undue expectations
And now your life is formed and shaped
In a way where you don't fit
You aren't perfect
You aren't even really happy
With that life.
Oh it isn't bad
It just isn't yours,
But instead formed out of a series
Of choices made for everyone else
But you
When you were trying to be perfect.
Big sister, fair-haired girl, model student
Cries inside and sometimes out
Trying to be perfect, worrying she'd fail.
"You cry too much"
"Grow up, it's just a grade"
"What a loser - look at her sob"
Why's she crying?
Why's she scared and worried?
Trying to be perfect, she knows she's failing.
Gangly, awkward, uncomfortable
Braces, funny hair, too tall, too skinny
"You're the good example
Show them how to do this"
But inside still wondering
How to be perfect as her imperfect world
Crumbles down around her.
The path laid out for her
The order of things is just right
No broken curfews, no bad-boy boyfriends,
The leader of the team
The one left in charge
The good big sister
Is there actually another option?
No
Not when you're trying to be perfect.
A push here, a purposeful trip-up there
"I'm not always your good little girl"
See me for who I am
Not that expectation of the one
Who always makes the right choices
So I don't have to spend my life
Trying to be perfect, trying not to fail.
Off she goes, into her adult life
College first, get a job, meet a good boy
Get married, have a family, toe the line
Do the right thing.
Just enough rebellion in there
To satisfy that little streak
We all have in us, waiting to break free.
But just enough so that
Her goal for perfection is still attainable
So no one is disappointed
So she doesn't fail.
Life presents you with options
Choices, complications, messes
It is nearly impossible to keep that goal
Of being perfect every day
The guidebook doesn't map out
What to do in circumstances
That sit in front of you when you least expect
That tug at your heartstrings, your morals, your goals
That make you see your life
In an entirely different light
When you're just trying to be perfect.
There is that one moment, that one choice
That one pivotal event
It might be small in the broad scheme of life
But what it represents is so signficant
It catches your breath
And makes you realize once and for all
You will never be perfect.
So then what?
Do you change your life all over again?
Years and years of living for everyone else's
Undue expectations
And now your life is formed and shaped
In a way where you don't fit
You aren't perfect
You aren't even really happy
With that life.
Oh it isn't bad
It just isn't yours,
But instead formed out of a series
Of choices made for everyone else
But you
When you were trying to be perfect.
Friday, January 21, 2011
nearly full moon
It's Friday. I'm exhausted. There's something about these storm-filled, snow-day laden weeks that is a lot more taxing than your regular run-of-the-mill 5 day weeks. Unfortunately, it's New England in winter, and the promise of another storm looms for Tuesday/Wednesday.
G had soccer practice tonight, and then Hubby had a coaches' game (a good excuse for a bunch of grown men to relive their glory days of high school sports and get hurt - LOL), so I ran up after the practice to pick him up. The indoor soccer facility near us is hopping busy pretty much all the time, in part because it's really the only one nearby - the only other one is actually right near where I work. As is typically, it was packed when I got there tonight. Anyway, this resulted in me having to park pretty far from the entrance - and the nasty super-cold weather has begun its march into CT...so it was cold. Really cold.
Luckily, Mother Nature provided me with some solace - shelter from the cold but, more importantly, a sight that gave me a little bit of a warm fuzzy feeling in my currently somewhat sore, twisted, and a little broken heart.
The moon.
It was a full moon - the "wolf" moon - a couple of nights ago. The moon is still pretty round and so bright - tonight is cold and very clear. There are just a few clouds and, as I was walking in to soccer, one was passing by the moon. It was beautiful.
I have this thing with the moon.
Whenever I am in a mood like this, when I'm feeling isolated and a little sad and missing people important to me, if I see the moon, I think that maybe other people are looking at it too - "alongside" me so to speak. People I know and care about, people I don't know who are stressed or sad or lonely like me.
There's something comforting about that - it somehow makes me feel slightly less alone.
I know, a pragmatist like me feeling something that romantic?
Plus, I find something magical in the moon - the cycles of the moon and the nature of it all.
It just made me feel warm - and I hope that there are other people out there who saw it, or see this picture below, and feel the same - a little less alone, a little more love, a little more like there are glimmers of hope in their lives.
G had soccer practice tonight, and then Hubby had a coaches' game (a good excuse for a bunch of grown men to relive their glory days of high school sports and get hurt - LOL), so I ran up after the practice to pick him up. The indoor soccer facility near us is hopping busy pretty much all the time, in part because it's really the only one nearby - the only other one is actually right near where I work. As is typically, it was packed when I got there tonight. Anyway, this resulted in me having to park pretty far from the entrance - and the nasty super-cold weather has begun its march into CT...so it was cold. Really cold.
Luckily, Mother Nature provided me with some solace - shelter from the cold but, more importantly, a sight that gave me a little bit of a warm fuzzy feeling in my currently somewhat sore, twisted, and a little broken heart.
The moon.
It was a full moon - the "wolf" moon - a couple of nights ago. The moon is still pretty round and so bright - tonight is cold and very clear. There are just a few clouds and, as I was walking in to soccer, one was passing by the moon. It was beautiful.
I have this thing with the moon.
Whenever I am in a mood like this, when I'm feeling isolated and a little sad and missing people important to me, if I see the moon, I think that maybe other people are looking at it too - "alongside" me so to speak. People I know and care about, people I don't know who are stressed or sad or lonely like me.
There's something comforting about that - it somehow makes me feel slightly less alone.
I know, a pragmatist like me feeling something that romantic?
Plus, I find something magical in the moon - the cycles of the moon and the nature of it all.
It just made me feel warm - and I hope that there are other people out there who saw it, or see this picture below, and feel the same - a little less alone, a little more love, a little more like there are glimmers of hope in their lives.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
purple platforms
I live with an impulsive, mood-driven shopper. Hubby. When we were first living together, this was actually a huge point of contention between us, as it got him into some debt with me, and since I'm super-OCD about money (read: cheap), it pissed me off. He's definitely made some strides in getting better about this over the years, although he definitely still has his moments. Giving him his own mad money account has helped matters quite a lot.
That said, I am not one to shop impulsively, or because I'm having a bad day/week/month/year/life. Or not ordinarily.
I made an impulse buy yesterday and, while I'm happy about the end result, I feel a little guilty about it and a little weird.
I bought this kick-ass, 4 inch platform heels. They're purple. Lord knows how the hell I'm going to find an outfit to wear them with - but I will. And I will absolutely time the wearing of said shoes in a strategic manner.
But the thing is - I BOUGHT THEM - and I bought them because I was (am) sad and feeling sorry for myself. This is NOT ordinary Andrea behavior. I'm a little stunned by it, really, and wondering if I should take this as a bad sign, or just a sign that I'm struggling right now and needed something - and was grasping at straws.
I know I'm having a hard time right now, and I know it's a problem that I really need to deal with on my own. I know it's impacting my mood in a way that's obvious to most people close to me, unfortunately, G included. He rubbed my back tonight and told me he was sorry I was sad which, of course, broke my heart because I do try to insulate him from these things. I'm not exactly a happy-go-lucky kind of a person on a good day, so the fact that he's noticing - that's a problem, and I need to turn this inward a bit.
I'm getting sick of listening to myself whine, and that combined with the easily noticed mood makes me think that maybe buying the shoes was a good thing. Maybe my quest now to find an outfit to match said shoes will be a good distraction.
The reality is, I am hurt and sad and I feel about 1/2 an inch tall right now because I screwed up. And it all came out of nowhere so it slapped me upside the head without warning. So I guess maybe this is my processing phase.
So yeah, these purple shoes - I'm glad I bought them and I want to wear them soon. But damn, they might always be a symbol of this time. Maybe I'll get to a point where I can look at them and think "I bought those because crap happens and it happened to me - and I survived and came out the other side better, things got better, I was able to mend things and overcome the path I walked on."
I can only hope. And I haven't felt hopeful in a while - so maybe, just maybe, that's a good thing.
That said, I am not one to shop impulsively, or because I'm having a bad day/week/month/year/life. Or not ordinarily.
I made an impulse buy yesterday and, while I'm happy about the end result, I feel a little guilty about it and a little weird.
I bought this kick-ass, 4 inch platform heels. They're purple. Lord knows how the hell I'm going to find an outfit to wear them with - but I will. And I will absolutely time the wearing of said shoes in a strategic manner.
But the thing is - I BOUGHT THEM - and I bought them because I was (am) sad and feeling sorry for myself. This is NOT ordinary Andrea behavior. I'm a little stunned by it, really, and wondering if I should take this as a bad sign, or just a sign that I'm struggling right now and needed something - and was grasping at straws.
I know I'm having a hard time right now, and I know it's a problem that I really need to deal with on my own. I know it's impacting my mood in a way that's obvious to most people close to me, unfortunately, G included. He rubbed my back tonight and told me he was sorry I was sad which, of course, broke my heart because I do try to insulate him from these things. I'm not exactly a happy-go-lucky kind of a person on a good day, so the fact that he's noticing - that's a problem, and I need to turn this inward a bit.
I'm getting sick of listening to myself whine, and that combined with the easily noticed mood makes me think that maybe buying the shoes was a good thing. Maybe my quest now to find an outfit to match said shoes will be a good distraction.
The reality is, I am hurt and sad and I feel about 1/2 an inch tall right now because I screwed up. And it all came out of nowhere so it slapped me upside the head without warning. So I guess maybe this is my processing phase.
So yeah, these purple shoes - I'm glad I bought them and I want to wear them soon. But damn, they might always be a symbol of this time. Maybe I'll get to a point where I can look at them and think "I bought those because crap happens and it happened to me - and I survived and came out the other side better, things got better, I was able to mend things and overcome the path I walked on."
I can only hope. And I haven't felt hopeful in a while - so maybe, just maybe, that's a good thing.
here I am
You asked me
What I wanted
What I felt
Who I was
And where that fit.
At first
I didn't think I could
go down that road
open up
share myself.
My head screamed
CAREFUL
Steer clear
Shelter yourself
It's just too dangerous
There's too much potential
for pain
and confusion.
Good girl
Good choices
Straight line
Right path
Not this time
Now here I am
And there you are
And in between
An abyss of hurt
and sadness
of regret
and wishes
and taunting dreams.
Here I am.
The person I was
yesterday
Is the person who sits here
Waiting
Wondering
Uncertain.
Here I am.
I'm still me.
That doesn't stop
Nor does anything else
just because
of one small moment in time.
Here I am.
Find me.
I'm not gone
And maybe
I'm not that bad.
Maybe, just maybe
All those things you asked
All those things you thought
All those things
Are really who I am.
What I wanted
What I felt
Who I was
And where that fit.
At first
I didn't think I could
go down that road
open up
share myself.
My head screamed
CAREFUL
Steer clear
Shelter yourself
It's just too dangerous
There's too much potential
for pain
and confusion.
Good girl
Good choices
Straight line
Right path
Not this time
Now here I am
And there you are
And in between
An abyss of hurt
and sadness
of regret
and wishes
and taunting dreams.
Here I am.
The person I was
yesterday
Is the person who sits here
Waiting
Wondering
Uncertain.
Here I am.
I'm still me.
That doesn't stop
Nor does anything else
just because
of one small moment in time.
Here I am.
Find me.
I'm not gone
And maybe
I'm not that bad.
Maybe, just maybe
All those things you asked
All those things you thought
All those things
Are really who I am.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
mood song
Many thanks to my friend Susan for once again having such similar taste in music to me and, apparently, finding herself in a similar mood as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERvPmR4Q4OE
Our Hearts Are Wrong
Hate has brought me up the stairs
Until you I'll not let hate be the one
To make me make it for you
My self esteem is heating up the room
You're intimidating as hell
But I ain't scare of you
Chorus
I know how you work
I am just like you
No matter what you say
Our hearts are wrong
Our hearts are wrong
Love has brought me down
My gloves have been over due
I tried to deny with all my heart
That I am in love with you
I don't real care
You knew is what I take
The only time I miss you
Is every single day
Chorus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERvPmR4Q4OE
Our Hearts Are Wrong
Hate has brought me up the stairs
Until you I'll not let hate be the one
To make me make it for you
My self esteem is heating up the room
You're intimidating as hell
But I ain't scare of you
Chorus
I know how you work
I am just like you
No matter what you say
Our hearts are wrong
Our hearts are wrong
Love has brought me down
My gloves have been over due
I tried to deny with all my heart
That I am in love with you
I don't real care
You knew is what I take
The only time I miss you
Is every single day
Chorus
icy rainbow
No...not a double rainbow. I was driving to work today - there was a LOT of ice all over the trees and there was sort of a small bit of sun peeking behind the clouds. As I drove over the bride over the Connecticut River on my way work, out popped a very faint rainbow. It wasn't bright but it was definitely visible. It was beautiful. I had had this dream last night that was full of hope, too, so the combination of the two started my day off pretty well - I thought they were signs it was going to be a good day.
Or not.
Not much I can do except swallow my pride, take some deep breaths (which was actually harder than it sounds earlier today), and move along, hoping today is at least no worse, right?
In any event, in the midst of my day and drive home, I was thinking about people and friendships and relationships, and in true Andrea fashion, I was being a bit hard on myself and wondering if I go about these things all wrong.
I'm frustrated.
I'm tired of being the prodigal daughter, or feeling like one. I feel like that sets me up for failure. I have these small little missteps, shit my parents would totally let go if it weren't me doing them, and because it's me, they poke me with a damn stick over them.
I'm tired of being the good girl, the nice friend, the one who always does the right thing (supposedly). I love that people can count on me and rely on me. I think that's a double-edged sword, though. Somehow, whenever someone is having a difficult time or is in any way upset with me, they can count on me just being understanding. And I am.
But I still have feelings. And sometimes, being that steady person, the one who will understand and try to do right by the people she cares about - I feel like my feelings get forgotten.
Just because I recognize that you're hurt or sad or upset or scared or angry doesn't mean I'm not having similar feelings.
Or not.
Not much I can do except swallow my pride, take some deep breaths (which was actually harder than it sounds earlier today), and move along, hoping today is at least no worse, right?
In any event, in the midst of my day and drive home, I was thinking about people and friendships and relationships, and in true Andrea fashion, I was being a bit hard on myself and wondering if I go about these things all wrong.
I'm frustrated.
I'm tired of being the prodigal daughter, or feeling like one. I feel like that sets me up for failure. I have these small little missteps, shit my parents would totally let go if it weren't me doing them, and because it's me, they poke me with a damn stick over them.
I'm tired of being the good girl, the nice friend, the one who always does the right thing (supposedly). I love that people can count on me and rely on me. I think that's a double-edged sword, though. Somehow, whenever someone is having a difficult time or is in any way upset with me, they can count on me just being understanding. And I am.
But I still have feelings. And sometimes, being that steady person, the one who will understand and try to do right by the people she cares about - I feel like my feelings get forgotten.
Just because I recognize that you're hurt or sad or upset or scared or angry doesn't mean I'm not having similar feelings.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
adventures in ice and working from home
New England weather, frankly, is kicking our ass these last 2 weeks. First, last week, it was 30 - no that's not a typo, it says thirty - inches of snow. Now starting in the wee hours of this morning, snow that changed to sleet by 6am or so...resulting in 2.5 inches of solid ice/slush by 4pm.
Needless to say, the powers that be in our school district - and pretty much every single one across the state - closed school. Again. The kids were out 2 days last week (one of which we were closed as a company - not that that meant anything for me, I spent 7 hours on the phone). Now they were out today. And in light of the heavy ice on the trees outside and the plummeting temps, they may be out again tomorrow.
Today, I was not feeling motivated to brave the treacherous roads, especially when Hubby called me before 6am (he goes in to the gym early) to tell me they were "really really bad". So G and I stayed home. Of course, nothing is that simple. I am in training - again - this week. It started today - 10-2. Ah...4 solid hours of training on the phone with a bored, oversugared, too-long-in-the-house almost 9 year old.
Nothing says "shitty mom" better than what I did, which was ploy him with letting him watch his favorite movie ("Zoom Academy") in my bed, snacks in hand. That covered the first 2 hours of training. The second two, to his credit, he read and played in his room and watched a bit of "Tom and Jerry".
But when I was done, he said "Mom, let's do something together." Hello - broken heart. Now I know my son and I know he knows I wasn't neglecting him on purpose. He knew I had to work and he knew that meant limited Mom/G time.
I still feel - felt? - bad. Horrible. I suck.
I only had an hour after my last class before my next meeting (yes I have a punishing schedule) so we spent in hanging out, wrestling, and working on the extra credit part of his project due next week.
Nothing about motherhood is simple. On days like this, in moments like this, I want to take those women who say that motherhood "comes naturally" to them or "isn't that hard" and slap them.
Hard.
They are not the only people currently waiting for my rage and frustration, but they may be at the top of the list.
In other "fun", apparently while on my training call, I missed one hell of a staff meeting. In classic form for our department, our boss didn't exactly take control - instead, the bossy senior member of the team did, barking orders and criticisms at everyone. She's a real peach sometimes - I do get her perspective, we're floundering as a team and sorely lacking in attention/organization/staff, but COME ON. She needs to get bent sometimes. So...yeah...she needs some slapping, too.
I'll try to keep the rest of my ire to myself. I am quite frustrated and a little sad and bewildered right now - lost perhaps. Who the hell said adulthood was easy? Who said that once you had friends, they'd be there - that life would be free and easy and unfettered.
Adult life is complicated and confusing and tattered and angst-filled at times.
Like now.
Geez, what the hell?
Needless to say, the powers that be in our school district - and pretty much every single one across the state - closed school. Again. The kids were out 2 days last week (one of which we were closed as a company - not that that meant anything for me, I spent 7 hours on the phone). Now they were out today. And in light of the heavy ice on the trees outside and the plummeting temps, they may be out again tomorrow.
Today, I was not feeling motivated to brave the treacherous roads, especially when Hubby called me before 6am (he goes in to the gym early) to tell me they were "really really bad". So G and I stayed home. Of course, nothing is that simple. I am in training - again - this week. It started today - 10-2. Ah...4 solid hours of training on the phone with a bored, oversugared, too-long-in-the-house almost 9 year old.
Nothing says "shitty mom" better than what I did, which was ploy him with letting him watch his favorite movie ("Zoom Academy") in my bed, snacks in hand. That covered the first 2 hours of training. The second two, to his credit, he read and played in his room and watched a bit of "Tom and Jerry".
But when I was done, he said "Mom, let's do something together." Hello - broken heart. Now I know my son and I know he knows I wasn't neglecting him on purpose. He knew I had to work and he knew that meant limited Mom/G time.
I still feel - felt? - bad. Horrible. I suck.
I only had an hour after my last class before my next meeting (yes I have a punishing schedule) so we spent in hanging out, wrestling, and working on the extra credit part of his project due next week.
Nothing about motherhood is simple. On days like this, in moments like this, I want to take those women who say that motherhood "comes naturally" to them or "isn't that hard" and slap them.
Hard.
They are not the only people currently waiting for my rage and frustration, but they may be at the top of the list.
In other "fun", apparently while on my training call, I missed one hell of a staff meeting. In classic form for our department, our boss didn't exactly take control - instead, the bossy senior member of the team did, barking orders and criticisms at everyone. She's a real peach sometimes - I do get her perspective, we're floundering as a team and sorely lacking in attention/organization/staff, but COME ON. She needs to get bent sometimes. So...yeah...she needs some slapping, too.
I'll try to keep the rest of my ire to myself. I am quite frustrated and a little sad and bewildered right now - lost perhaps. Who the hell said adulthood was easy? Who said that once you had friends, they'd be there - that life would be free and easy and unfettered.
Adult life is complicated and confusing and tattered and angst-filled at times.
Like now.
Geez, what the hell?
Monday, January 17, 2011
uninspired
It's too cold out.
It's going to be snowy and icy tomorrow, which means that, undoubtedly, I'll be up at 5, waiting to see what our school district decided to do, and then spending the next 2 hours fretting over the logistical nightmare that is dealing with winter weather. To further complicate things, I have a training class, on line, from 10-2 tomorrow. Where's the written training material that I need for the class? On my desk. At work. Arght.
G and I had a nice very low-key day relaxing today, as Hubby was at work, and let still I am feeling like I didn't do enough with him. I put so much pressure on myself to be this ideal mother and, no matter what I do, I have a tendency to view myself as falling short. I don't know why - G proudly told his father "we did pretty much nothing today!" and didn't seem unhappy about it, but I still feel like I let him down.
The fact that I'm feeling lazy because really, I'm sad (very sad) and probably depressed - and I just didn't want to do much. I know this - hence the guilt.
So yeah, I'm not exactly inspired to write anything awe-inspiring, because right now, I think I'm having a hard time even being mediocre.
It's going to be snowy and icy tomorrow, which means that, undoubtedly, I'll be up at 5, waiting to see what our school district decided to do, and then spending the next 2 hours fretting over the logistical nightmare that is dealing with winter weather. To further complicate things, I have a training class, on line, from 10-2 tomorrow. Where's the written training material that I need for the class? On my desk. At work. Arght.
G and I had a nice very low-key day relaxing today, as Hubby was at work, and let still I am feeling like I didn't do enough with him. I put so much pressure on myself to be this ideal mother and, no matter what I do, I have a tendency to view myself as falling short. I don't know why - G proudly told his father "we did pretty much nothing today!" and didn't seem unhappy about it, but I still feel like I let him down.
The fact that I'm feeling lazy because really, I'm sad (very sad) and probably depressed - and I just didn't want to do much. I know this - hence the guilt.
So yeah, I'm not exactly inspired to write anything awe-inspiring, because right now, I think I'm having a hard time even being mediocre.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
and some more lyrics
One of my friends and I were talking this evening about this and that and the new "Country Singer" movie (is that what it's called) came up? So she sent me this song...then apologized because, sometimes, things hit a little too close to home. Anyway, there was no need for her to apologize, I love these lyrics. Check them out - I mean, who can't relate to this sense of regret, sadness, what if...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paZVJBg1O9s
Words I Couldn't Say
In a book in a box in the closet
In a line in a song I once heard
In a moment on a front porch late one June
In a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon
There it was at the tip of my fingers
There it was on the tip of my tongue
There you were and I had never been that far
There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms
And I let it all slip away
What do I do now that you're gone
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say
There's a rain that'll never stop falling
There's a wall that I've tried to take down
What I should've said just wouldn't pass my lips
So I held back and now we've come to this
And it's too late now
What do I do now that you're gone
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say
Are the words I couldn't say
I should have found a way to tell you how I felt
Now the only one I'm tellin' is myself
What do I do now that you're gone
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say
What do I do, what do I say
And no else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paZVJBg1O9s
Words I Couldn't Say
In a book in a box in the closet
In a line in a song I once heard
In a moment on a front porch late one June
In a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon
There it was at the tip of my fingers
There it was on the tip of my tongue
There you were and I had never been that far
There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms
And I let it all slip away
What do I do now that you're gone
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say
There's a rain that'll never stop falling
There's a wall that I've tried to take down
What I should've said just wouldn't pass my lips
So I held back and now we've come to this
And it's too late now
What do I do now that you're gone
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say
Are the words I couldn't say
I should have found a way to tell you how I felt
Now the only one I'm tellin' is myself
What do I do now that you're gone
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say
What do I do, what do I say
And no else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say
newer stuff
I've been pretty busy with my crafting over the last couple of months and, I have to admit, it's been fun and really, really rewarding. I am to the point now where I'm wishing I had more time for it and, furthermore, I'd love to find a way to do it as a side business. But alas, I'm still pretty slow and I don't know where to start - although I may try. We'll see.
These are warm, cozy socks knitted on big needles. I made the first one about a year ago and my goal was to make the match this year (well, err...2010). I did it. My friend Jen liked the first one so much that I made them for her. Of course, they were for like a size 6 feet originally - hence the red toes!
This is a cute hat with a cabled band. I have been afraid of cables since I started knitting, but I had a pretty basic pattern in one of my magazines - so I thought I'd try it. The pattern was for a headband and, let's face it, I"m not a headband kind of a girl. So I made the headband and then knitted up to make the hat.
Mittens! In that same magazine (you'll note a pattern), they had basic mitten patterns. I gave it a whirl - love them. G is enjoying them (or at least enjoying modeling them - no clue where the heck they are now).
This is a modified version of the Burlington hat, which I made for my cousin Laura. She saw a pic of the original that I made for myself on Facebook and requested her own. This is so much fun - one of G's friend's moms wants one too - maybe next?
PILLOWS!!! We got a cheap couch for our finished basement a couple of years ago. It came with 4 hideously ugly ass pillows - so I set out to cover them. Two are quilted and two are knitting. I think I'm going to do the same for the pillows in our family room - they aren't ugly,, but they are nearly 10 years old and looking it.
A friend of mine from high school posted a message on Facebook back in late November, looking for recommendations for an Etsy site where the person could make long-cuffed mittens for a toddler. I told her I didn't know of a site but that I'd make them for her. At the time, she was 8+ months pregnant with her 2nd son and, around the time I finished the mittens, he was born - so I made him the hat. Infant hats are fun (and very gratifying - super quick)!
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